Gray eyes and blue eyes
by Thecricketsarecalling
Summary: Ryan and Pam begin to see how hard life really is.
1. Chapter 1

Pam never thought in her entire life that this would happen to her. Sitting in the waiting room, she sat there, legs together and ankles crossed. Dressed in a wool skirt and sweater. Nervously digging her nails into the leather of her purse her eyes looked up and round the room.

Their appointment had been made for eight-thirty in the morning. Pam had decided to call out sick for the rest of the week. Ryan had her covered and told Michael and Dwight that he would investigate on her and check up at her apartment. Both were happy enough to give the work to him, as he knew when he came in later this afternoon after claiming his school called needing him to come in for the morning to collect his records and files now that he gradated. Michael didn't give him a hard time at all for planning on missing the morning. He asked little questions and seemed happy enough that he would come in after lunch and work until six. Ryan knew missing this morning would cost him. Michael most likely would have him clean out his car tomorrow morning as a special "favor". But none of that really seemed to matter in his mind. Instead he sat beside Pam with his long black pea coat on. Pam's jacket was laid across her lap along with her purse as they waited. Ryan sat there completely blank. He stared ahead at what Pam was looking at.

There was a middle aged woman sitting across from them reading a paperback book. Across from her was a collage aged girl dressed in sweats. Her eyes looked as if she had been crying. For a brief second Pam's gaze caught hers as she felt embarrassed and looked down at the carpet.

Ryan swallowed hard and just sat there. These past five minutes seemed to be lasting forever. He knew they had come early. Looking over at her, he saw how pale her face was. Her eyes looked completely terrified as she stared down at the carpet.

Ryan sat there, really letting reality set in. He was scared to death and knew for a million reasons why this was the right thing to do. But his heart felt different. There was an empty weight deep in his stomach as he sat there. He was twenty-seven years old. He was finished with school and was awaiting any day now for that promotion in New York. Things had suddenly began to change so fast he felt with a cold hearted truth that he was in fact growing up.

Now here he was.

Looking at Pam, he felt terrible.

This wasn't what he wanted.

Slowly his hand slipped into hers, he brought it over to his leg and placed it there. He held her hand tight before she looked over at him. His eyes met hers and he so badly wanted to tell her to just go.

But before he could…

The nurse called her name.

"Pamela Beesly?"

Pam nearly jumped as Ryan's grip on her hand tightened. For a brief moment she looked down at their two hands laced together. She remembered seeing this before but she couldn't remember when. Their hands were so different, his hand seemed to swallow hers up. The shocking terror of what was really happening seemed to be dumped at her like cold buckets of water. She sat there for a moment, not knowing if she was able to move.

Then, she gathered her things and took her hand out of his. She stood up and walked towards the open door that the nurse had opened. Ryan sat there for another moment before following her. The nurse seemed to glance at him for a moment, her eyes filled with fake pity.

They began walking down the hallway before the nurse lead them into a small room. There was a table with stirrups and different machines. Charts covered the walls, the window had the shade down blocking out any winter sun. Somehow the room felt ten degrees colder. The nurse held out the paper gown and told Pam to undress and to sit on the table. Pam slightly nodded before the nurse told her now to lay on the table before telling her the doctor would be in shortly. Pam softly thanked her before the door was closed.

They stood there alone.

Ryan had his hands in his coat pockets, he felt on the verge of a complete panic attack. Pam clutched onto her purse and jacket before walking over to an empty plastic chair and putting her things down. Her eyes wouldn't meet him before he got the hint and turned around. Facing the door he took deep breaths listening to her undress. A few moments later he heard her getting on the table. Turning he saw her in the paper hospital gown.

Pam looked a little shaken as she sat on the table and tried to sit forward. Her legs so tightly together she looked as if she was on the edge of passing out. Ryan watched her as she nervously pushed some of her fallen hair back into her ponytail.

Ryan moved closer, clearing his throat.

"Pam…"

His voice is broken, she sees tears in his eyes.

"Don't. We both know this is the only thing to do."

"But…"

Pam shakes her head.

"We couldn't…"

Before Ryan could say another word the door opened and the doctor along side with a nurse walked in. Right away Pam and Ryan locked eyes. Ryan looked as if he was breaking down. Stepping aside the doctor moved forward introducing himself.

Fifteen minutes later everything was prepped. They had asked Ryan if he wanted to wait outside. That's when Pam reached out grabbing his hand. Her terrified eyes looked up at him and said what he knew.

"Don't leave me"

He stood to the side as the doctor helped Pam slide nearly all the way on the edge of the table. Wheeling over with a stool, the doctor was dressed in scrubs and fixed his light on. The nurse wheeled over a machine and gave it to the doctor before walking over to Pam and clicking something on her finger. Right away a heartbeat filled the room. Pam laid there, trying to control her breathing. Ryan stood there squeezing her hand before the nurse got the oxygen ready.

The doctor went between her two spread legs at the end of the table.

"All right…"

The doctor produced a long rubber tube and was in the process of trying to begin when Pam stiffened and held onto Ryan's arm so tight he saw her nails digging into his wrist. The doctor froze looking up before the nurse gave a comforting smile trying to place the oxygen mask on her.

"Don't worry honey, it will be easy…"

"No!"

Pam cried before suddenly sitting up. The doctor sat back suspired before Pam slid herself off the table and backed up against the wall. She quickly shook her head, almost crying.

"No, no…I changed my mind."

The doctor and nurse eyed each other as Ryan simply stood there, in shock.

"We'll give you a minute…"

They quickly left the room closing the door behind them. Silence washed over the room before Pam covered her mouth with her hand and began to cry. Ryan quickly went to her.

"I'm sorry!"

She cried shaking her head. Right away Ryan put his hands on each side of her face and brought her in for a kiss. Pam was suspired and caught off guard as Ryan gently opened and closed his mouth of hers. Slowly Pam opened her eyes before looking at him, his eyes serious.

"Don't do this…"

Pam stared at him.

"Are you sure?"

Ryan right away grabbed her clothes which were folded neatly on top of her jacket.

A few minutes later Pam walked beside Ryan as they left the office. The doctor had tried talking to them but they left as quickly as possible. The nurse didn't seem that stunned, Pam thought maybe there were a few times women did in fact do this.

It was freezing out and the early morning sky looked overcast and gray. It looked as if it was about to snow. Ryan lead her out to his car and quickly unlocked the doors. Both got in as he started the engine and began driving back to his place.

For nearly ten minutes straight they didn't talk. There wasn't much traffic other then the early morning Christmas shoppers. Pam sat in the passenger seat sunken in her coat. A million worries and thoughts crossed her mind as she stared out the window and remembered when Christmas time used to be fun. Glancing over at Ryan she watched his drive, his face serious and tried looking.

They reached his place a little after nine. Both walked together into his condo. Pam had only been here twice before. Going up the stairs he got his keys out and lead her in. Walking inside, Pam looked around and saw how empty it was. There was a black leather sofa, a pretty nice TV with all the equipment, a coffee table, then near the window a few gym bags and sports equipment. His kitchen was just as bare. Ryan was a simple guy with simple tastes. Pam then saw there were no decorations, no Christmas tree.

She took her coat off and sat on his couch. He hung his coat up and asked if she wanted anything. She shook her head. Finally he sat down beside her as she curled herself up into a ball and began biting at her nails. Finally he cleared his throat and looked over at her.

"I'm sorry…"

Pam just looked at him.

"Sorry for what?"

Ryan seemed to have a hard time saying this.

"For…all of this."

Pam shook her head.

"This wasn't you're fault Ryan…"

"Yeah I know…it takes two people, but still…I'm the reason…well…you know…"

"For the condom breaking?"

Ryan looked up, his eyes seemed embarrassed.

Pam sat there before sighing.

"Ryan…what's done is done. Now we really have to come out with the truth."

"What truth?"

"About what we're going to do. It's pretty much clear we don't want to get an abortion…that least what's for me."

Ryan slowly nodded.

"No, you're right…when it finally came down to us in that room and me watching you lay on that table…I knew I couldn't live with myself for you to go though that."

Pam nodded before looking away for a second. Dark circles were under each eye. The last few years had been tough. Now everything was crashing down around her.

"So…I'm going ahead with this pregnancy?"

Ryan simply stared at her before she slowly rubbed her face and deeply sighed. She felt on the verge of completely breaking down. Ryan simply sat there not saying a word. Finally she looked up at him.

"You know…I never thought this would happen to me. I mean a one night stand…just once and bang? I'm thirty…and I'm still working at the office, I've been scared out of flowing any dreams of mine. Everything with Roy and Jim…I just don't know…it's such a mistake."

Ryan stared down at the coffee table. His voice flat.

"Yeah…I really screwed up. But hey then again that's me right?"

Pam looked at him, she felt bad.

"Listen, it was both our faults…we did something stupid and now we're paying for it."

Ryan looked at her, his deep blue eyes focused on her, almost in pain.

"Yeah but did you ever expect it to happen this way? I mean don't you still feel so young…I mean this sounds like something that would happen to somebody else. I mean it's just hitting me but here it is…you're pregnant. I got you pregnant…I understand you've had a tough couple of years, most of all with Roy and then Jim leaving. You're smart Pam…I've always liked you. You don't belong in this stupid town. I don't want to be the reason you become trapped."

Pam swallowed hard.

"I was…well thinking about putting it up for adoption."

Ryan just looked at her, almost hurt. Pam brushed some of her bags away. Her hands were shaking again. She suddenly remembered last week, how after feeling non-stop nausea each morning, and the fact she was late made her finally go to the store to buy a pregnancy test. Calling in sick, she told Michael she had the flu and hoped he wouldn't send anyone down to spy on her. Right now she needed time to collect herself and think. She remembered going into the bathroom after she called in and began to use all five tests she had bought. Reading how to do each one and waited, checking her watch and pacing.

She then thought of her dream.

After becoming a famous artist in New York, she wanted to marry her sole mate and start a family by the time she was thirty-five, Two boys and a girl. She dreamed of living in a big house and feeling content and worry free.

Now all of that was gone.

She remembered checking three of the five tests and feeling her stomach drop. All tests were positive. Quickly grabbing the boxes, she read them over before looking over all three plastic sticks. She was in shock. She then looked up at her reflection.

Right away a sudden terror hit her that she nearly fell to the floor.

She thought…and knew right away.

Ryan…the Halloween party.

She had been drunk, after getting a call from Jim. Things were now over between the two of them and he had left. Pam was going through a deep depression when Ryan came back from the city for another internship for the season. He had changed looks wise and seemed more handsome then ever.

She remembered Kelly and him getting into a huge fight, and then seeing him in the parking-lot as everyone got drunk upstairs at the party. Michael was singing loudly and a few people were making out on the couch. Pam felt disgusted and decided to leave. Earlier she had gotten the call from Jim. They had fought and he hung up on her. Pam cried in the bathroom shortly before work ended and everyone started getting up for the party. She mostly kept to herself, drinking before eyeing Ryan fighting with Kelly in the kitchen. She stormed out, grabbing her coat and leaving.

He left a few minutes later.

Pam decided to leave, and saw him in the parking-lot. A full moon was out. Ryan stood watching Kelly's car speed out of the parking-lot. He sighed and seemed just as depressed. Pam started walking to her car when he turned and spotted her.

She tried to smile before he walked over.

He asked her if she wanted to leave, maybe go to a bar together…talk.

Pam was usually kind of standoffish to Ryan, mostly right before he left. But she did remember seeing him as the young cute temp who had started at their work what seemed like a century ago. So many things had changed.

They went to a bar together, it was nearly midnight but they kept to themselves and sat in one of the back booths talking and drinking. Both decided to finally be open with each other and talk about how much the past year sucked. Ryan confessed he really wasn't happening being away and finally told Kelly the truth. He would never get back together with her again. He felt depressed that he came back here…almost like he was staring back at square one. Pam told him about how she was still bothered by what happened between Roy and Jim. How she felt stuck…almost trapped under ice.

They kept drinking…

More, and more, and more.

The rest of that night of a blur, Pam was sure that would come back to her. She remembered tiny details, such as stumbling back to his condo in the dark. It was nearly three in the morning. They nearly fell down and started cracking up before going to his place.

Then she remembered the lights going out. She remember sitting with him, and how both told each other straight out how unhappy they were. That's when he kissed her…

She remembered feeling good for once.

She remembered being in his bed, looking up at his ceiling.

She remembered being so drunk, the room seemed to spin. She remembered certain flashes, of his face and them undressing. Then sharp movement, his eyes…then…

The rest was blank.

Other then that sound and the look of his face. How she stared up at him, dizzy and drunker then she had ever been. She remembered finally stopping for what seemed like forever and a look of panic of his face.

Then she felt something and thought something was wrong.

She felt him come.

When they finished she saw him snap off his condom, she saw that it had broke. He mumbled and swore underneath his breath before throwing it in the wastepaper basket. Then them laying together before she drifted to sleep.

She woke at six in the morning. She almost screamed when she woke up and saw where she was. Silently she pulled herself from under him and dressed quickly before slipping out. She saw him that Monday and felt knots in her stomach. He smiled and tried to get her alone to say something but she kept avoiding him.

He had asked her what was wrong and she snapped at him, not meaning to. She told him she was busy. He just looked at her, almost hurt before nodding.

"Oh…right. I understand."

He walked away. She felt terrible and noticed Kelly watching them.

They barely talked the rest of the month. She avoided him, he ad voided her. She sat as far away as possible during meeting and tried to race out at the end of the day without bumping into her. She noticed a few time him looking at her.

That's when she started feeling sick, and saw she was late.

Now here she was standing in her bathroom on a Thursday morning.

"Shit…"

She said, scared out of her mind. She blinked and looked at the tests. It couldn't be…

Just then there was a knock. Pam jumped before walking down her hallway and to the door, unaware the three tests were in her hands.

"Hello?"

She froze.

It was Ryan.

"Ryan?"

She stared at the door.

"Yeah…I wanted to talk to you, are you okay?"

Pam shoved the three tests into her pocket of her sweat pants and walked over. With shaken hands she answered the door. He stood there in his coat and a can of soup in one hand.

"Hey…"

She gave a nervous smile, standing in her doorway.

"Michael send me over to spy…see if you were really sick, so I decided to bring you something."

Pam let him in.

"That's sweet of you…"

She had no idea what to do.

Ryan then turned towards her, playing with the can between his two hands. He looked at her, struggling for the right words.

"Also…I wanted to talk. Listen…Halloween…the way you left the next morning, I mean…did I do something wrong?"

Pam crossed her arms before looking at him.

"No…"

"Then what is it? Just a fling…something to make you forget about Jim?"

"Ryan no…"

"I know you don't like me, you've turned me down before. Now you're trying to forget about what happened…I mean…we were drunk…"

"Ryan…right now isn't the best time…"

Without thinking she nervously tried to shove her hands in his pockets before two of the plastic tests wiggled out and fell to the hard wooden floor. Right away Pam stood there in slow motion and watched Ryan's eyes drift down to the floor.

Quickly she tried to bend down but he shot down faster and snatched one out of her hand before looking at it. His eyes fixed on the positive sign.

Pam just kneeled there, scared by him not saying anything. Finally his intense eyes looked over at her. She felt ashamed and scared by what he was going to say. She choked on her words.

"Ryan…I'm not sure…"

Ryan then picked up the other test and looked at her, his bangs had fallen into his eyes.

"Is it…well, is it…me?"

Pam dropped her eyes before he deeply sighed, he looked somewhat stunned.

"How…how many of these did you buy?"

"Five…I made a doctor's appointment tomorrow to confirm this. They work like 99 percent."

"Did you…well just take them?"

She nods.

"How long did you know?"

"Couple of days…been feeling sick and I'm never late."

Ryan looked embarrassed before Pam sniffled in. Ryan stared across at her.

"Why are you crying?"

Pam looked at him as tears began to blur her vision.

"Why not?!"

He then put his arms around her as she began to cry.

A half an hour later she remembered her taking the final test and him standing behind her. His jacket off and his tie loosened. Ryan walked up behind her and looked at the test. Pam shut her eyes wanting to cry.

"You…you better go back to work before Michael sends Dwight over…"

"Pam…I…"

"I'll call you tomorrow…"

"Pam…"

"I'll call you on my cell, it's after work."

"Maybe I should go with you…"

Pam turned towards him.

"No…I need to be by myself, I'll call you tomorrow night and then we'll talk."

Ryan just stared at her.

"Go…please don't say anything."

Ryan felt his jaw almost drop before Pam held onto her stomach and looked sick.

"Go Ryan please…"

Ryan felt in shock as he left her apartment. He nearly got into three accidents driving back to work. He covered for the two of them back at the office, but was unable to get any work done that entire day.

He was also unable to sleep that night, tossing and turning thinking of what Pam had said.

The next night, Ryan waited by the phone. The entire day he couldn't get his mind off it. Sitting there behind his desk he remembered when he first got the job here a few years ago. He remembered when she wouldn't even of looked at him.

Halloween night was also in a blur, he remembered he hadn't drank so much since his first year of collage. All he remembered was bringing Pam back to his condo. Both had been talking about how depressed they had been and somehow along with the liquor, it just seemed right. He remembered laying on top of her in his bed, he remembered the condom breaking, and he remembered how fast he had fallen asleep…his arms around her.

That night, somehow was the only thing that stood out to him in all this panic. He remembered how hurt he had been after she hadn't of called or attempted to talk to him. Just when he thought he was trying to change after Kelly…

She called and told him about her going to the doctor's. They had ran tests and she was in fact pregnant. She told Ryan over the phone in a flat voice that he's the only guy she's slept with in the last six months."

Ryan just sat there completely stunned.

She told him about needing to talk. Her voice seemed shaken. Ryan slowly got his mind into gear and told her to come over. Within a half an hour she was there. Nervous and pacing. Finally they sat down, awkward and strange. She kept her distance on the couch. She blamed herself…mostly for not being on the pill. Ryan meanwhile just sat there.

Finally she looked up before clearing her throat.

"So…I guess you'll have to pay for half of the abortion then."

Ryan looked up suddenly.

"Wait…what?"

"Well…I'm pregnant and will all know that can't happen…"

"Have you had one before?"

Pam just stared ahead before slowly shaking her head. Ryan seemed stunned.

"It's the only thing we can do Ryan."

Ryan just stared off to the side before nodding.

"Yeah…you're right."

"So…I'll make an appointment next week. If you wanna come I'll call you're cell phone…and we just…well won't talk about it."

"That's all."

Pam looked nervous before slightly nodding.

"What else is there?"

Ryan rubbed his neck which stubble was starting to grow. He felt suddenly sick and exhausted. He deeply sighed before rubbing his temples.

"Okay…Okay…I'll pay for the entire thing…"

"Ryan you don't…"

"No…I got you into this mess…"

Both just sat there in silence for awhile before she stood up..

"It's getting late…I better get going…"

He tried to talk to her but she quickly left. Seconds later he watched her car pull away from the window. Feeling his chest ache, he tried the next few days to talk to her. But there were too many people around. She acted normal, but pretended he wasn't there. Kelly still acted as if she could bother him, while Michael did his usual thing fooling around the office. Ryan's desk was too far away, he couldn't see her.

Finally he got the call that she was going that morning.

And now here they were.

Now here they were that morning, sitting across from each other.

"Adoption?"

"Well…since we're not aborting it, then yes."

"So…you wanna give it up?'

Pam looked uncomfortable.

"Listen Ryan, I didn't plan this. I'm in no way…nor do I want to be in this position. I was finally getting over the last couple of years and thinking about going back to school…"

"So why didn't you?"

She just stared at him, nervous.

"Do you remember one of the first times we ever talked to each other was you're first or second day working in the office?"

Ryan didn't seem to remember clearly, yet simply nodded. Pam laced her hands together, talking slowly and with care.

"Well we were sitting together in the lunch room eating and we were talking about how we never wanted this to be our career. How depressing it would be and we started talking about all the things we wanted to do. Well Ryan…I still want to do all those things?"

"Then why haven't you yet?"

Pam struggled with her words.

"Ryan…I'm too young…"

Ryan rolled his eyes and let out what sounded like a humorless laugh as she went on.

"I'm not ready to be a mother…I mean do you have any idea how much a baby changes people's life's. One night stand shouldn't ruin the rest of our life's and crumple any further we wanted."

"What together?"

Pam looked stunned by this.

"No…moving on with our life's. We would just regret each other and the baby…I believe we shouldn't take it out on it…we should do the right thing and make sure it goes to a family. People who would do anything to have one of their own. It deserves people who will love it."

"An you're saying we're not?"

Pam sighed, she felt like crying.

"I heard you myself. You've worked too hard to get trapped like this!"

"Yeah…but you heard what they were saying, I might get that promotion by the end of the year, I would be transferred to the city again…we're talking six to seven figures if I get in the right place…"

Pam shook her head.

"But you're still a young guy. You're single…you should enjoy you're and not have anyone to worry about. Anyways…I'm happy here."

"What?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"I do plan on leaving soon to go back to school, but I'm comfortable here…"

"So you're going to go through a whole nine to eight month pregnancy and have everyone know in there what you're planning on doing?"

Pam looked at him and sapped.

"I don't care what they think! Their not me and their nowhere near perfect. I don't care!"

But the truth was…she did.

Ryan took a deep breath before reaching over and taking one of her hands.

"Listen…we've known each other for a while now…I would like to think we're friends right?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"And…well after that party…well…what I'm trying to say is I've always liked you Pam. I don't know if you feel the same way…most of all after everything with Jim and Roy. But I really mean it…maybe, well…maybe this was meant to be."

Pam rolled her eyes taking her hand out of his.

"A condom breaking isn't fate, it's just bad luck. I'm trying to think this out…we can't be stupid, you know that Ryan."

"Then why not?"

"Because it's a mistake. We really don't connect or ever will. It was a one time thing which just happened to lead to this. Listen…I wish it didn't happen. I mean this is my body…do you have any idea what my parents are going to say? My family…I've always been the normal one, and after I called off the wedding things had started falling apart. My life is a complete mess now and then I have to go through all these months, being uncomfortable and in pain to just wake up every day and remember that this was a mistake. That after I give birth I'll have to give it away like it meant nothing. Having my co-workers talk and gossip before I just have to run away…"

She was taking a mile in minute, Ryan just silently listened.

Pam then put her hands to her face before shaking her head.

"I can't have a baby…I mean…there's no way."

"Why?"

Pam shot a look at him.

"Um, not being in a stable relationship. Second the money…"

Ryan shook his head.

"Hey, there's a million reasons why you shouldn't But I saw that look in you're eyes today at the doctor's…I don't think you'll be able to give it up."

"Well you're not me Ryan…"

"No, you're right…I'm not. But I still know that's we're on a pretty bad mess, and as much as we should do the right thing…maybe it happened for a reason."

Pam shook her head.

"It would never work…I mean our careers will be ruined. But then again you're lucky…nobody has to know you're the father."

"Yeah…everyone will probably think it's Jim's."

Pam looked at him.

"Take it back."

Her voice was flat and her eyes on the verge of tears. Ryan looked up nervously before slowly nodding.

"Sorry…"

Pam shook her head.

"It was both our faults…"

"When are you going to let people know?"

Pam shrugged.

"I would like to hold off with that for awhile…maybe in a couple of weeks I can talk with my parents, then I'll find someplace good…maybe start the adoption process and start looking at couples…"

"Then work?"

"I really don't know yet. I mean…I have a lot of thinking to do."

Ryan stared at the coffee table before sighing.

"I never thought this would happen to me…"

"Yeah, you're not kidding."

Ryan then glanced over at her.

"Really…why didn't you go through with it?"

Pam looked down at her hands.

"Because…it isn't the baby's fault we screwed up…what about you. I saw you wanted to get out of there quicker then me…"

"Nervous I guess…scared for you."

"Yeah…"

"So…"

Their silence was awkward before Pam looked at him.

"So we just won't say anything…maybe it's best if we keep things normal back at work, keep a distance."

Ryan didn't say anything was Pam went on.

"After I talk with my parents we'll talk, okay?"

Ryan nodded before Pam laid back

Shutting her eyes for a moment, she knew she would have to call a taxi and just spend the rest of the afternoon thinking. Opening her eyes, she glanced over at Ryan who laid back as well. He looked tried…more then ever in fact.

She laid there beside him before he looked over.

"You…you can stay here the rest of the afternoon. Dwight won't be looking for you here…"

"I thought you were supposed to be my spy?"

"Well, you know how those guys are."

Pam weakly smiled before nodding. She did want to be alone in fact, and maybe running into Dwight would finally make this day on the breaking point. She decided to would stay here, Ryan wouldn't get out of work until six. She would have the entire day to think…then take a taxi ride home.

That's what she needed…time.

The terrible thought of her almost getting an abortion now struck her. If she had in fact went ahead with it she would have been in this exact spot, but recovering.

She couldn't even think of what that would be like. Looking at Ryan she sighed. He seemed so much younger then her…even those there was only a small age difference between them. Ryan was cute, in fact his eyes were gorgeous. Pam had liked him, yet had a certain feeling on unease whenever she was around. She knew he was a good guy who just happened to get caught up in all the office drama.

Now here they were…and pregnant.

"Mind if I stay?"

"I can leave me car…or when I get back I can take you home…maybe you might want to talk some more?"

Pam shook her head.

"I'll just stay here for awhile…I'll take a cab later."

"You sure?"

Pam nodded.

"Just got some thinking to do…"

"Yeah…we'll talk right?"

Pam nodded.

"Before I even talk to my parents…okay?"

Ryan nodded before looking at the clock. It was still early.

Pam yawned under hand as Ryan looked at her.

"You want to take a nap?"

Pam felt guilty, but she knew she was exhausted. She really hadn't slept much this entire week. Now it was over…or was it? She knew she had a lot of hard choices and decisions coming up with her. She was keeping the baby…but adoption? She felt chills, she knew she would have to be more open with Ryan about this. He seemed very sweet, and just as scared as she was.

But she knew he was right.

She was in fact terrified that she would get out.

What if somehow it went back to Roy…or Jim?

Her stomach tossed before she nodded. Around four she planned on taking a cab back to her place and just sleeping away the weekend, her cell phone off.

Yet she felt such a strange comfort with Ryan, almost relaxing now.

"Come on…"

He took her hand and got her to stand. Leaving her coat behind she followed him down the hallway and into his bedroom. Right away a few memories came flooding back at once. The smell...cologne, his. The same faint scent she smelled whenever he was around her at work. It was a clean cut smell. The carpet also had a very clean soap like smell towards it as she walked in behind him.

His bedroom was small. Two mattresses with dark navy blue and black bedding. He had a small night stand with his clock radio on it and Ipod. His desk was across his room with his laptop and stacks upon stacks of books.

He lead her over to the bed, the sun slowly drifted in from the window. Pam glanced out.

"Looks like snow…"

Ryan fixed the pillows before letting her sit down. At first she sat on the edge, holding her purse and looking around. The bed was soft, and somehow so familiar. She remembered having sex on his bed…but everything was so blurred. Ryan then walked over to her, a sport's jersey in his hands.

"Here…so you can sleep in it."

Pam slowly took it and saw that it was some New England sport's jersey from where he had grown up. She read the team's name in her head before feeling the net like fabric of it. Ryan stood there, hands in his pockets.

"It's big on me…so…I thought you might want to be comfortable."

Pam blushed before thanking him.

Ryan then went to the door.

"Well I got a few hours before heading back, I'm going to catch a few on the couch…if you need anything…"

"Why don't you stay here?"

Ryan just looked at her before nervously clearing his throat.

"Huh?"

"You can sleep here to…just set you're alarm."

Ryan looked down at the carpet, he was having a hard time.

"You…sure?"

Pam nodded before standing up and walking past him. She went to the bathroom to change. Moments later she returned with the jersey all the way down to her knees. Her clothes were folded with her purse on his desk. She never felt so tried before in her entire life. Going to the bed, she saw Ryan sitting on the other side looking nervous. He was in the middle of taking his shoes off.

Pam threw back the covers and snuggled down underneath them. She remembered laying in this bed…

Her thoughts were cut off as Ryan took his tie off and started to unbutton his shirt. Seconds later she saw a simple white T-shirt underneath. He put his clothes so they wouldn't wrinkle down on a chair of his and slipped be beside her.

Right away they felt uncomfortable and seemed a mile apart from each other in a small double bed. Pam thought of putting her back to him. Turning, she heard him set the alarm before there was silence.

She heard him breathing.

Thinking she wouldn't be able to sleep…she somehow began to slowly drift off. He nodded off shortly after.

A few hours past and they simple slept side by side. A deep worried sleep.

Then the alarm went off. It was almost twelve-thirty. Pam snapped awake by the beeping noise before blinking away the sleep and letting herself focus on where she was. She was in Ryan's bedroom…again. A tiny prick of panic went through her before she remembered this morning, turning slightly she still felt tried. Her eyelids were like tiny weights. She saw him laying beside her, he reached out with his left hand and stopped the alarm.

She then noticed how close he was. His right arm was wrapped around her tightly. Right away the two noticed and Ryan pulled away. Both stared at each other for a brief second before Pam tried to look away. She smiles, his hair was sticking up.

Sitting there for a second, Ryan yawned before looking out the window and softly smiling.

"Hey Pam…"

He gently shook her arm before she rolled over and looked at him, half awake.

"Yeah?"

"It's snowing…"

Pam opened her eyes and looked out. He was right, it was in fact snowing. Pam suddenly felt such an overwhelming feeling of comfort. She watched as Ryan silently dress and even whistle in amazement looking out the window at the falling snow.

"Man…it's really coming down."

"Be careful…"

Pam said without even thinking, a terrible image of Ryan crashed on the side of the road as snow fell filled her mind. Trying to push it away, she didn't know why she was having these thoughts. Ryan simply smiled before putting his message bag over him and got his coat.

He stood there for a second looking at her as she laid there.

"You okay?"

She slowly nodded before he walked over, he stared down at her.

"Everything is going to be okay…you know that right?"

Pam tried to smile, but couldn't.

"I know…"

Before she could even do anything he leaned down and gently kissed her cheek, brushing away some of her hair. Then…he was gone.

She heard the door close and just laid there.

Then…she began to softly cry.

Walking outside to the parking-lot, Ryan couldn't believe how hard it was snowing outside. Pushing against the hard wind he finally reached his car and got in. It was freezing. Putting the head on as he sat parked for a few minutes, he glanced up at the building and thought of Pam. For no reason at all, he felt tears begin to build his eyes.

With that he sniffled them away and began driving back to work.


	2. Chapter 2

Pam was left alone in Ryan's condo that afternoon as the snow began to really build up in the grayish skies. All ready she could hear snow plows. Getting up a little after one to use the bathroom, she felt how chilly it was and turned up the heat. Usually she wouldn't find herself so comfortable in someone else's home, but with Ryan gone she felt at ease and somewhat curious. Even though they both had known each other for all these years, they were still in many ways strangers. Having only been to his apartment a few times before the last month or so as everything began to happen, she wished so badly she could of remembered Halloween night.

She went to his living room and looked out the window as snow kept falling.

She had made her choice, she wouldn't have an abortion. Then she began to think about what Ryan and her had talked about it. If she did very plan on giving the baby up for adoption…what would happen?

She would have to let her parents know, disappointment them. Then everyone would work know, she knew she would spare Ryan from it all and maybe decide to never tell anyone who the father was. But something inside her made her think…maybe, just maybe Ryan would still want everyone to know even if Pam was intending on giving the baby up after it was born.

Didn't he know what would happen? The gossip, how cruel people could be, how everyone would talk behind their backs. Pam knew it would be a complete nightmare during the pregnancy and after it was gone. How everyone would treat them. She knew it would ruin any career Ryan had planned on having. She knew things would be strange and awful until one of them quit.

Did she really plan on going through a while almost nine months of pregnancy…with or without Ryan's help. She was scared out of her mind and knew how she wasn't read for this. A million terrible fears entered her mind thinking of the months ahead of her.

Would she really be able to give it up right after having it.

Thinking of childbirth scared her to death as she crossed her arms and looked out.

Just give her baby up after all that and have some other people raise it in the end?

She knew adoption was the best thing. Maybe she would have to leave work…maybe that would be better. She could talk to her parents and maybe stay with them. Maybe after the baby was born try to go back to school…and forget.

She then remembered the terrible hurtful look in Ryan's eyes.

What did he think of all of this?

She knew he didn't want the adoption…but what now? He couldn't be serious. They couldn't do this…most of all together. Thinking of their life's getting ruined and living on the streets she thought of Jim and her heart slightly ached.

She missed him more then anything.

An hour later as she listened to the weather reports she dressed and left Ryan's jersey on his bed after she made it. Walking past his dresser she spotted a framed photo of Ryan, taken a few years ago at a bar with a few other younger guys, maybe friends from school. They all were laughing at the camera. Looking down at the photograph she sighed before grabbing her coat and calling a cab.

When she got home the roads had been icy and bad. She flicked on all of her lights and checked her messages. Falling into bed, she heard the phone ring a few times around eight. When the machine got it Pam heard Ryan's nervous uneven voice telling her he made it home all right, but how bad the roads were and how the entire weekend was expected to get nearly ten inches. He paused on the message before asking her to call him before hanging up.

Pam shuffled into the kitchen around ten and decided to fix herself a huge bowl of sugar filled cereal. She had gotten hungry. Making her bowl she sat down at the table holding her cell phone.

It also had a message. Listening to her voicemail she got Ryan again, repeating the same message. Sighing, Pam flipped the phone closed. As much as she wanted to talk to him she knew they needed their space.

The weekend past quickly and Pam returned to work the following Monday. All of the co-workers at the office seemed outraged that they had to come out in the terrible weather. Pam sat behind her desk and buried herself away in her work. She had been feeling a little sick to her stomach before coming in.

Ryan came in about ten minutes after her with what looked like a cup of coffee. Pam tried to avoid eye contact before he walked over and set the large styrofoam cup down.

"Hey Pam, thought you might of wanted a hot chocolate…"

Pam looked up as he dropped his eyes, almost embarrassed before quickly going back to his desk in the back. Pam noticed Dwight was staring. Going back down to her work, it took her a few minutes to take the hot chocolate. Sipping it as she worked it tasted wonderful and her stomach started to slowly settle down.

The entire day they stayed away from each other.

At the end of the day he caught her while she walked to her car.

"Hey Pam wait up!"

Pam was bundled up in her winter jacket before stopping and turning. He came over quickly with his pea coat buttoned up. Tiny snowflakes fell onto his dark hair. He looked at her.

"Listen, did you get my messages…"

Pam nodded.

"I think, thanks again for letting me stay at you're place…"

"Hey, do you want to come over again for dinner…I could drive you home with the roads being so bad…"

"Ryan, don't."

He froze and looked at her. It was killing her to say this. Her breath came out in tiny clouds from the cold freezing air.

"I…told you we should keep our space until I talk with my parents, okay?"

Ryan looked hurt but slowly nodded, right away she knew she hurt his feelings.

"It's just I'm scared somebody might notice something is wrong…"

Just then Pam saw Angela walking to her car, she hoped she wasn't looking.

"Ryan, I'm sorry…it's just…"

"No…it's okay I understand. Drive safe…"

He mumbled under his breath before heading to his car. Pam watched helplessly before getting into her own car. That night she was so worried, she nearly cried herself to sleep.

The next two following weeks ran very smoothly. It was almost Christmas and the entire office was decorated. Pam meanwhile who usually loved Christmas time was more worried about other things and seemed almost in a shocked daze. Ryan kept away from her. In those two weeks they had three meetings with Michael. Pam noticed he would sit across the room from her not even looking in that direction. She also noticed Kelly trying to sit next to him or talk. Pam tried to ignore it, this was what she wanted. She pretended everything was okay and went about those next fourteen days as if nothing was wrong at all.

But Ryan had noticed her race to the bathroom twice during that time, or looking beyond exhausted. She claimed it was the flu to other co-workers who noticed.

They didn't speak.

Pam spent a lot of time alone. She knew she was in the worst depression of her life. A million upon a million worries began to spin in her mind.

She couldn't do this…she knew it.

Two weeks before Christmas, Friday finally came and Pam planned on visiting her parents on Sunday and telling them about what happened and her plans. She hoped they wouldn't in angry with her…in fact that thought terrified her.

It had snowed again the night before, yet work wasn't canceled. Everyone was in a terrible mood and then a freezing rain came in right before dark.

Pam was feeling sick again, in fact she had all morning. She knew after she spoke with her parents could would have to make a doctor's appointment. Looking down at herself she was still so stunned by what had happened. She was pregnant. Something she never expected to happen. When she was with Roy she never even paid any further thought of them one day having children. Back when things were going on with Jim, she had thought maybe in another six years…maybe having kids would be fun. She used to day dream of living in the nicest house in a perfect neighborhood and being a stay at home mom. She would dream of how special she would feel if she was pregnant and how much her husband would love her and treat her like a princess.

But all of that was shattered.

But still, she was pregnant. Growing inside her perfectly still flat stomach…was the baby.

Just then Michael came flying out of his office, he nearly crashed into the desk. Just then Ryan was walking by. Dressed in black slacks and a button up blue shirt. Pan felt a strange toss in her stomach looking at him. In fact he was the nicest thing to look at after these last two terrible weeks.

Looking at him she felt awful.

She hadn't been fair to him, she knew they would need to talk right away. He looked as if he hadn't been sleeping that well either.

Just then Michael grabbed at his shoulder.

"Ryan I need you…"

He sounded out of breath and he leaned in closer to Ryan.

"I need you to get this folder out to the UPS truck that's pulling out of the parking-lot right now. I forgot about this and it's very important. It needs to be send out now!"

Shoving the folder into Ryan's hands, he roughly pushed him towards the door.

"GO!"

Ryan seemed a little caught off guard yet ran out. Pam hated the way Michael sometimes ordered people around whenever he didn't want to do something. She hoped maybe when Ryan came back she could get him alone to talk.

Sitting there, she tried to type on the computer.

At that exact moment Ryan flew down the stairwell. He was running as fast as he could to catch the UPS driver. He hated whenever Michael made him do stupid stuff like this, he knew the truck was most likely gone by then.

Running, a few thoughts jumped in his mind.

These last two weeks were terrible, he was scared out of his mind and somehow knew Pam wanted nothing to do with this baby or with him. He had wrecked everything.

Just then he pushed open the door and ran out, seeing the truck just starting to pull out. It was freezing outside and snowing.

"Hey wait!"

Ryan ran before slipping on a huge thing of black ice on the pavement. His body went up and crashed down hard, blood came from his lip from biting it so hard.

Meredith who was standing outside on her cigarette break froze.

Ryan just laid there, just then the UPS truck stopped. The driver seeing what happened in his rearview mirror. Putting it in park, exhaust flooded out into the cold night air. Right away Meredith and him ran over.

"Oh my God!"

Both kneeled down as the driver shook his head.

"Jesus he hit hard!"

Meredith leaned over and saw the blood on Ryan's lips. She felt for a pulse and got one. He laid there unconscious.

"Go inside…upstairs! Tell them to call an ambulance!"

The driver quickly nodded before running inside. Meredith didn't move him, she simply kneeled down beside him worried out of her mind.

Just then upstairs the driver almost blew the door off as it flew open. Standing there out of breath he gasped for air as everyone stared at him.

"There's been an accident…some guy fell in the parking-lot…I think he's dead!"

Pam just sat there in complete shock. There were a few gasps before Dwight and Michael raced out. Creed told everyone he would call an ambulance as Pam stood up, knocking down her chair and rushing out after them. Kelly watched before running out as well. Angela and Kevin followed. The others simply sat there stunned.

Pam rushed out right when Michael and Dwight dashed out before them. Freezing from the cold and shock, she stared down at Ryan laying unconscious on the icy ground. Meredith was kneeling beside him with the truck driver. Right away Michael and Dwight nearly knocked them over to get to him.

"I'm a trained deputy!"

Dwight yelled, claming he knew what to do. Meredith in a worried voice told him maybe he could wait for a paramedics. Michael meanwhile kneeled down beside Ryan and began gently slapping his face.

"Ryan! Ryan wake up!"

Pam was outraged, she screamed at the top of her lungs. Kelly and Kevin who had just walked out froze.

"Leave him alone!"

Pam's eyes filled with tears as she went down beside him. She saw he was still breathing. The blood from his mouth made her feel sick. Gently her fingertips touched his thick hair and she felt swelling on the back of his skull. She knew people could die from this…the driver was right, he had fallen hard.

"Maybe it's a concussion?"

Angela softly said walking out, her arms crossed from the cold.

Pam kneeled down beside Ryan in the freezing cold and thought…what if he had cracked his skull.

What if he died?

For no reason at all she bursts into tears and held onto his hand. Kelly watched with hawk eyes as Meredith comforted her. Minutes later the ambulance came. The paramedics loaded him up and began pumping oxygen over his mouth.

Pam thought she heard one of them saying internal bleeding.

She almost screamed.

Meredith stood next to her holding her hand and sniffling herself as Ryan was taken away. Michael ordered to ride along with him. Oscar came out with everyone's coats as they watched the ambulance pull away. The sirens screaming.

Dwight looked down at his shoes before sayings something about following behind. Pam then nodded and walked over to him.

"I'll go with you."

"What?"

Kelly snapped, Pam looked over, a little uneasy.

"Dwight and I will go, it's just another hour till close…"

"Yeah I'll watch the calls."

Oscar said. Kelly looked outraged and began to say something when Pam turned, taking Dwight by suspire.

"Come on let's go…"

"But I have a history with him! I should go! He might need me!"

"There's all ready enough people Kelly, right now this isn't about you."

Angela said. Pam couldn't help but feel a small feeling of respect for her as Kelly shot back a shocked look. Dwight then hurried her to his car and began speeding to the hospital.

Dwight the entire time talked about head injuries and the worst possible things that could happen to Ryan. Pam meanwhile sat beside him as they drove and held back from crying. She prayed he was okay.

She needed to talk to him.

They arrived a few minutes later. Rushing across the freezing parking-lot they went into the ER and asked at the front desk.

The nurse had no information and told them to wait. Dwight kept attempting to sneak in behind her but finally gave up after the third try. The two of them sat beside by side in the waiting room. Christmas music playing in the background.

Pam just sat there worried.

Dwight grabbed a magazine and annoyed her by humming. Pam meanwhile just sat there and kept thinking about him.

Around nine, Michael walked out. A terrible look on his face. Pam nearly died, right away she knew something was wrong. Dwight and Pam shot up as Michael dropped his eyes and simply shook his head. Pam's eyes filled with tears before she spoke out in a broken voice.

"What…is it?"

Michael kept shaking his head.

"It's terrible…oh God it's awful…"

"Michael!"

He kept looking down.

"Guys…I don't know how to say this…but Ryan is dead."

Pam gasped out loud making a few people look. She slapped her hand over her shocked face as she just started at him. A terrible helpless cry croaked from her throat. Michael then looked up, slightly uncomfortable before giving a nervous laugh.

"April fools!"

Pam just stood there stunned before Michael tried to laugh, Pam saw Dwight was smiling.

"It's a joke…he's fine. He bumped his head pretty bad and he's staying over night…he's fine."

Michael still tried to laugh before Pam angrily shoved past him and started for the nurse's desk to ask what room number he was in. Moments later she went down the hallway, checking the room numbers before finding his. On one side of the curtain an older man about sixty slept. Moving to the other side, in which a huge bay window looked up at the highway, Pam felt her heart skip a beat.

He laid there in the hospital bed, pale and tired. She saw he was sitting up somewhat and had an IV hooked up to his arm. As she walked in, he looked up at her and faintly smiled.

"Hey…"

Pam couldn't control herself, she held back tears before standing beside his bed.

"You okay?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Just blacked out…I feel a little groggy that's all."

Pam took a deep sigh of relief.

"You scared the hell out of me."

Ryan just kept looking up at her before clearing his throat.

"Anyways, my mom is coming by later tonight…just wants to check in on me."

"Oh…well I rode with Dwight so I better get going…"

Her words trailed off before Ryan reached out and held her hand.

"You okay?"

Pam slowly nodded before giving a nervous laugh.

"I really thought something had happened…"

Pam looked down at her shoes before struggling with the right words.

"Ryan…I need to know how you truly feel about all of this, no more lies okay?"

Ryan laid there for a second before looking up.

"It was a mistake…yeah, it was a one night stand…yeah…but as soon as we came out of the clinic, I knew there was a reason."

"So you want me to have it?"

Ryan looked uncomfortable before biting down on his lip gently. Pam saw there were two tiny stitches in them. He looked sore and tired.

"Hey…this isn't what I wanted. I'm scared to death and I don't even think I would be a good parent…and I know that you don't want a relationship with me…I just think adoption isn't the answer."

"Then what is Ryan? Keeping it? Raising it? We're not a couple!"

"Yeah but we would be parents…"

"It would never work, we both have dreams like I said, plans on getting out of here. We're too young and we don't have enough money, this would be for all the wrong reasons, it would ruin us!"

Ryan looked at her.

"I've messed up my life a lot lately…but I think this baby might be a chance to start over. Trust me I know everything is going against us…but I think we could really try."

"Ryan it's a baby…not something you can return once it gets hard. I can't do it alone."

"You'll have me."

Pam shook her head.

"We slept together once. Things will get confusing…messed up. It would never work…"

"How can you say that without knowing?"

"You'll want that promotion, you're single…you'll meet other women…"

"Pam I love you."

Pam just stood there as he stared at her. After a few moments of silence she fought back the tears and spoke in a broken voice.

"Don't you dare say that…"

"But it's the truth…I think you might have feelings for me to."

"Oh really?"

The entire time I blacked out all I remember was hearing you're voice…you were scared.

"I thought you were dead."

Ryan reached out trying to hold her hand but she wouldn't let him.

"Please Pam…I could work hard and give you a better life."

"I like my life."

"Do you?"

She said nothing before finally he took her hand at once and squeezed it.

"Come on Pam…please."

Pam didn't say anything, instead she simply pulled away trying to control her tears and met Dwight and Michael in the lobby. That entire night she kept thinking of what Ryan had said.

She laid there, thinking of him laying like that on the ice. Not moving.

Touching her stomach, she laid there in the darkness. She had no idea what she was doing. But one thing was clear for once for her. Turning on her side she looked down at her stomach and thought of him.

She loved him.

Holding herself, she tried to sleep but couldn't.

The next morning she woke early and dressed. It was snowing again.

She went straight to the hospital.

Checking with the desk, she was informed that Ryan would be discharged in a few hours. Praying she wouldn't run into his family, she slowly went to the room and walked inside. This time the roommate was missing.

Ryan sat in a T-shirt and jeans on the bed, His hair was getting longer now and pushes back. He sat on the bed as the early morning sun drifted in through the window and watched some basketball game on TV. Pam stood there, unable to speak.

Finally he looked over and saw her.

"Pam?"

Pam walked forward before going to the edge of her bed. She reached out without saying a word and took his hand. Moments later she took a seat beside him and gently pressed his hand against the side of her face. Ryan watched her as she touched his hand lovingly before looking at him.

"Are you sure…that's what I need to know."

Ryan slowly nodded.

"I'm sure."

Ryan really didn't know didn't know if he should of kissed her or just stayed the way they were. Sitting there, he watched her hold his hand and gently press it up against her face. Ryan tried to smile before holding her hand.

"So what now?"

Pam sat there, trying to think.

"Well Sunday I'm seeing my parents and telling them about the baby…would you like to home, if you can?"

"I'm fine now…yeah of course I want to go…ummm…"

Pam knew he was nervous about something before he looked up at her.

"Their going to hate me aren't they?"

"If it's anyone their going to hate…it's me."

"What a way to make an impression…"

"I'm sorry Ryan, it's just if we're really going to sit down together and talk…well about this entire thing…well we'll need my parent's help whatever way you wanna be involved?"

"Involved?"

Pam looked down for a second before Ryan's grip on her hand tighten, she looked up.

"Pam, I'm scared to death…but we're giving it a chance."

"I just all ready know we're being stupid, we barley know each other…"

Before she could finish another word he leaned over and kissed her right on the lips. Pam seemed suspired before nearly tilting back in her chair. Looking at him, she couldn't believe it. Ryan then reached out with his own hand and cupped the side of her face gently.

"So we're doing this together…promise me?"

Pam struggled with her words.

"Well…as long as you promise me this is want you really want."

Ryan nodded before trying to kiss her again. Pam pulled away.

"We need to think about the baby now, not ourselves…understand?"

Ryan nodded before Pam looked at the clock.

"So…when do you get out of here?"

About ten minutes later Pam and Ryan walked out of the hospital together. Pam held onto Ryan's arm and helped him to his car. It was still snowing out.

"Easy…"

She said letting him in. His gaze met hers for a second and she couldn't help but smile. A feeling that seemed to overcome all of the worry. It was a nice feeling…almost of comfort. Getting in and starting the car they began to drive.

Ryan asked to use her cell and called his other brother who was supposed to pick him up later. He told him a friend of his from work had gotten him.

At that comment both glanced at each other as he drove on.

He hung up finally and thanked Pam before looking ahead. Pam turned the head on.

"My family got my car from work…they want me to spent the weekend with them but I'm fine."

"Could of fooled me…"

Ryan glanced at her before she pulled up the street that lead to her apartment building.

"So you're parents live in town?"

"Just outside, few miles."

"What time do you wanna head down there?"

"Before ten if you don't mind."

"Do you have any idea whatsoever on how we're going to explain this."

"Well…we need to figure that out first Ryan."

Then they pulled up to the sidewalk.

Going inside the apartment, she fixed them a pot of coffee. Ryan took his coat off and sat in her living room, looking at her sketches when she came in with two steaming hot mugs.

He looked up at her, his bangs fallen in his face.

"This is really good…"

Pam seemed embarrassed before setting the mugs down.

"Oh…it's nothing really."

She sat beside him and tried to take a deep breath. That's when they began to talk.

They decided to be very straight forward and save the bullshit. The two of them sat together drinking coffee and talking about the huge life changing decision they would make.

If they didn't plan on putting the baby up for adoption, then they planned on raising it together. Pam brought up almost all the cons, but deep down inside the idea of now knowing the baby that grew inside her was all hers, not waiting to be someone else's child.

They wrote down salary's , regular paychecks, insurance, and their so called "five year plan" both had to laugh at it all. Two office workers going about such a serious thing like this. Pam was very blunt when she told him she knew he was up for that promotion and really couldn't handle a newborn and work at the same time. She wanted to be independent, and not rely on him. Ryan on the other hand wanted to take care of Pam and show her he was working hard for her and the baby.

She explained that job was in New York and she really didn't want to move right after having a baby in a big city she didn't know. She hoped her parents would be supportive and she didn't want to move that far away from them.

Ryan explained he would talk to his parent's Sunday night. His mother had remarried after his father died when he was younger. He had a brother, and a sister who lived in Los Angeles with her husband and family. He told Pam he would talk to them first and then invite her over. He knew they would like her, but would he shocked from the news. He wanted to smooth things over ahead of time.

The thought of this made Pam feel sick.

They talked about telling Pam's parents and the awkward way of breaking the news to them. Both talked things over while still drinking coffee.

Ryan explained that the promotion wasn't until next year and until then he would stay here and intern. He told her that the money was so good he could really take care of the baby the best way he could. Pam meanwhile felt awful, it seemed as though he still had so many dreams and was trying to figure just how he would sort this out.

He told her he would figure out someway. He would be gone less then three months. Maybe he could take the train in every weekend. Then after he got in, maybe he could pull some strings to relocate closer to her.

"But that's not what you wanted…"

Pam softly said.

Ryan reached out and slid his arm around her, he looked scared.

"No…it sounds like it won't work, but it will."

Pam just looked down before they began talking about living arrangements. Telling work, juggling appointments and how much Ryan really did want to be part of this pregnancy. Money, and then how they would handle raising their child together. They would have to work out something.

It all seemed like too much, and so far away.

But Pam knew within the end of the year she would be a mother and everything would change.

Ryan meanwhile kept trying to lift her spirits and kept talking about how good it would be and how they would face things together. He kept telling her not to worry and that things were really turning around for the two of them. He kept trying to touch her hands as he locked eyes with her and went on and on, comforting her.

He seemed so sweet, and was trying really hard as scared as he was.

It was finally decided.

They were going to try and do this together.

It seemed terrifying.

By the end of it they sat together side by side. They now had a small idea as in what they were planning on doing. Pam kept looking at Ryan is disbelief.

The temp.

She thought amused.

That's when his hand slipped into hers.

They were going to face this together.


	3. Chapter 3

Pam found herself sitting at Ryan's apartment on Christmas eve two weeks later. Sitting there alone with him, the two sat on his sofa with the dim lights of a few candles that sat on the coffee table in front of them. Faintly on his stereo some beautiful Christmas songs were playing. It wasn't the Christmas Pam envisioned for herself this year, but sitting there with him she felt happy enough.

The past two weeks had gone by in a complete blur.

They had both talked to both of their families. Ryan rode up with Pam that Sunday as promised and stuck by her side. He sat with Pam explaining themselves and what they planned on doing. At first the reactions they got were pure shock, finally once everything set in they began to talk.

Pam cried, and even went into the kitchen to talk with her mother for almost a straight hour. There Pam's father simply asked Ryan serious questions on what he planned on doing for his daughter and how serious he was about taking care of a child. Ryan was uncomfortable yet smoothly got through it answering questions honesty. He told him about finishing up school, his degree and masters. The promotion and the somewhat serious plans he had for the future after he had screwed up so badly before. He briefly went over a few past failed relationships and how serious he was about being by Pam's side. Pam's father was understanding enough and comforted his daughter after telling them that if they needed any help whatsoever even money wise they would be more then happy to help their daughter and their grandchild. Pam's mother kept hugging her daughter telling her how wonderful the news was. Pam kept saying how sorry she was but her parents made sure that if Pam ever needed anyone…they were there.

Feeling somewhat comforted a huge weight lifted off her chest. The reality was really starting to set in that she was pregnant.

Nearly a week later they broke the news to Ryan's small family. Their reactions were the same, stunned and shocked. Ryan's brother seemed happy enough and so didn't his stepfather. They hadn't ever met Pam before but were very friendly and congratulated her. They ruffled Ryan's hair telling him how great the news was and how they couldn't believe it. Ryan's mother meanwhile had a different outlook. She was snappy and felt lashing out at Pam. She asked if they had been dating, or if it was a one night stand. She asked Pam flat out if she was on birth control or planning it. At one point Pam was nearly on the verge of tears as Ryan screamed at her. Taking her upstairs Pam heard them arguing. That's when Ryan's stepfather placed his hand on her shoulder and told Pam not to worry. It didn't matter if his wife liked it or not…but this was something special.

When Ryan finally came downstairs he quickly got Pam and told his brother to tell his mother to go straight to hell if she didn't like it. With that he rushed Pam out the door. On the ride back Pam bursts into tears, she blamed herself and told Ryan that his mother hated her. Ryan shook his head telling her if didn't care what his mother thought, she had been controlling his life for far to long. He was finished, she wasn't going to take the only happiness he had left in his life. With that he pulled the car over on the side of the road and put it in park. Killing the engine he stared at her. Pam still had tears rolling down her face. Ryan stared at her before taking one of her hands.

"We're going to make this work Pam, I promise…"

Before she could say anything he was kissing her.

Now here they were two weeks later.

They both had done a lot of talking in these two weeks, mostly after work or on the weekends. Slowly more and more both were learning more about each other. They also talked seriously on what was really going to happen here with a baby coming.

Ryan was up for a promotion next year in New York, which meant he would be leaving. The city had bad memories for Ryan but he knew this was a job offer of a lifetime. He explained to Pam that if he did indeed take it they would be set for life. He told her their baby's collage fund would be safely in the bank all ready saved in their bank by the time their kid turned three. He told her about all the wonderful perks of his job and how much he could take care of them.

But Pam didn't want to leave.

This was her home. Her friends and family were here, she had spent her entire life here. But then again she knew her words all to well, these were the same words she was repeating. It seemed all her life everything was holding her back, even her art. She was to comfortable in this lifestyle. The same thing over and over, no risks…nothing scary.

But how could she even think of that now.

She was in the early months of her pregnancy and the truth was just starting to settle in. Her parents had been down twice to see her so far. They had a long talk with Pam about her options and were very happy to see that she wanted to try and raise it. They were proud that Pam was sure of that one thing…as much as she didn't think she was ready to be a mother, she knew she would have to be. They told her about how they thought she should move back with them, they would help her raise it.

Her mother had also taken her aside alone.

"Were you two sleeping together."

"God no…Ryan has just worked in the office all this time, I mean we're sort of friends but we're not that close."

"Know much about him?"

Pam shrugged.

"Enough, he's had his case of problems but hey…who hasn't? He's smart…I mean he's serious about really taking care of me I guess…I just never thought…"

"Are you attractive to him?"

Pam was caught off guard, it took her a few seconds.

"Ummm, well I don't know I really haven't thought about it…"

"Just once?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"Halloween…I was drinking…"

Pam put her head down, slightly ashamed before her mother waved her hand.

"So you two were just co-workers and friends…sort of?"

Pam nodded.

"Was he close with Jim?"

Pam blinked.

"What?"

"Never mind…what's important is how serious he is about being a father."

Pam took a deep breath before her mother placed her hand of her cheek and smiled.

"My little baby…"

Pam tried to feel comforted but her entire world was spinning out of control.

It still felt so funny to think that Pam was really pregnant. She had called up and was due at the doctor's right after New Year's. She had some morning sickness, but seemed to be able to hide everything at work. Ryan acted as though everything was normal and both pretended to act as if nothing had happed. Pam felt nervous about telling everyone at work, but Ryan simply shrugged. He told her if he got that promotion they wouldn't even have to worry about telling anyone at all.

"But their my friends."

Pam said flatly, with that Ryan looked down and seemed hurt.

At the Christmas party Pam felt as though Meredith was on to her when she noticed she wasn't drinking. She called Ryan afterwards telling him and he told her not to panic. This was between them and nobody had to know, most of all this early.

Pam understood both had a lot to figure out. The question her mother asked her kept repeating over and over again in her mind.

"Are you attractive to him?"

Pam always thought Ryan was cute, but her mind had always been focused on the day dream with Jim. In fact most of the time Ryan was just background noise. One thing she had always found very striking about him was his eyes.

Now here she was pregnant with his child and anytime they were around each other she found herself studying him. This was going to be the father of her child.

They called each other every night during those two weeks, Pam began to find it comforting right before bed whenever she began to worry. His voice was smoothing to her and he often made her laugh or feel better. He had a great outlook on things.

It still felt weird whenever they talked about "The baby"

Ryan agreed and both joked about how they always liked kids and someday planned on having them, yet never thought it would be now or with one of them. Ryan acted the same at work, but whenever he dropped by with dinner for her, or helped shovel out the walkway from her apartment, he seemed to mean well and Pam had developed them somewhat oddly getting closer. The holidays were coming but it didn't seem like that.

It seemed so strange that in less then seven months there would be a baby.

It terrified them.

Ryan had invited her over on Christmas eve for dinner. Earlier that day he had stopped by with some ginger ale and crackers. Both had talked briefly and before he left Pam kissed him on the cheek goodbye. He paused for a moment and then smiled. Afterwards Pam wanted to slap herself. What had she been thinking? She was embarrassed she had been so forward. Mumbling away she blamed her hormones.

Now here they were sitting together.

He stares at her before she smiled, somehow it didn't seem awkward at all. The two have just finished dinner and are enjoying sitting together in the dim candle light.

"I got something for you."

Ryan reached behind some pillows on the couch.

"Ryan you didn't have to…"

She feels strange saying this, now he's the one being forward. Before they didn't even exchange Christmas cards, now their trading gifts because he knocked her up? The thought crossed Pam's mind and she almost giggled before Ryan smiled.

"It's okay…here."

Pam warmly smiles before seeing a small wrapped box. Pam smiles taking it, her eyes meet his.

"Open it."

Pam quickly tore the paper away before looking at a plain velvet box, something you might see a necklace kept in. Pam paused for a second before opening it.

Right away she gasped, Ryan gave a nervous unsure smile.

"Do you like it?"

Pam's slim flingers lifted up a beautiful silver rattle. Looking at it she almost could of cried. It wasn't until now that she found this pregnancy really something to be happy about instead of a problem or something that's wrecked her life. Looking at it and then at Ryan she knew it really meant it.

"Oh Ryan…"

She was speechless.

That's when Ryan's hand slipped into hers, his eyes serious.

"It's for the baby…"

Pam stared down at it, glittering in the dim light of the living room. Finally her eyes went down to their hands laced together and she felt terrified. Jim hadn't been gone that long, things had ended so badly between the two of them, and then calling off the wedding with Roy…

Ryan leaned in to kiss her but Pam pulled away, shaking her head.

"Ryan no…"

Ryan looked at her hurt before his hand squeezed hers.

"Pam…"

"No…I'm sorry Ryan, but between calling the wedding off with Roy, and then things with Jim…"

Her words broke off, she remembered vaguely telling Ryan Halloween night about what had happened between Jim and her before he left. She remembered crying her heart out and telling him how confused she was. Now Jim was gone, working far away…and she was still here.

Right away she began thinking of what everyone in the office would think, she couldn't even begin to think of the horrible things Michael and Dwight would say. She could see the disproving looks from Angela and how awful Kelly would treat her. News always traveled fast…Roy would find out and then Jim…somehow.

Thinking of what they would say she felt her stomach toss, she thought she had to throw up. Ryan's concerned eyes studied her before his hand broke away from hers and gently touched the side of her face.

"You look sick…what's wrong?"

Pam shrugged still looking down at the rattle. She could see he had brought it at Tiffany's. Sitting on the couch, she then took a deep breath trying her hardest to hold back tears.

"What are we going to tell everyone?"

Ryan shrugged back.

"What we told our families that's all."

"And what's that?"

"That this was unexpected…but we're doing it together, it's something we decided on."

"I know that…it's just how your family feels, and then Michael and Dwight…and oh God Kelly…"

Ryan shook his head.

"None of that matters, I broke things off with Kelly long ago…she had to finally see we're not meant for each other and that I'm serious about you…"

"You mean the baby?"

Pam moved slightly away feeling nervous, Ryan shook his head.

"I mean both of you…Pam nobody else matters…"

"I know but you know how they are…and how much we're going to have to put up with…"

Ryan shook his head.

"Listen, I'll be up for that promotion…none of this matters Pam…"

Pam dropped her eyes again looking at the rattle, somehow things just didn't seem right.

"You're thinking about Roy and Jim?"

Pam was caught off guard by this comment, it felt as though Ryan could almost read her mind.

"Huh?"

"Roy and Jim…worried about them?"

Pam sighed, she really felt like crying now.

"It's just…I never thought my life would be so messed up at thirty…"

"Please Pam…take a chance on me…I promise I'll do everything for you and the baby…"

"Why the change of heart? You never struck me as a man who wanted to be a father…not somebody who has so much ahead for them in the future…"

Ryan's eyes looked embarrassed before he took a deep breath and tried to smile.

"I guess I've always had feeling for you Pam, never really got the nerve or the chance to say anything…"

Pam didn't see that coming at all, she watched Ryan's eyes drop and really saw he meant it. Biting on her bottom lip she thought of how much her life was really going to change. Scared to death of everything and what people would think…she looked at him and felt this strange sense of comfort. She knew he was just as scared and knew if there was anyone who really knew how terrified she was…it was Ryan.

Thinking about how long she had known him it really didn't add up. He had been working here for only a few years and had started off as just a temp. Now here they were…two co-workers.

Pushing away any thoughts of Jim, the man this past summer she truly believed would come back and save her. The man she had dreamed about really marrying or having children with.

Now all those dreams were shattered.

She was pregnant, but it was with Ryan.

What a horrible, awful mistake. She thought deeply inside her. Finally she took a deep breath and choked away the tears. Smiling she thanked him for the rattle. Before she could say another thing he looked at her with serious eyes.

"I understand a lot is happening fast and that we should only focus on the baby…but…I think I might be falling in love with you Pam."

Pam was stunned, yet remembered when he fell on the ice how scared she had been. She remembered telling herself that she was the father of her unborn child. That somehow this weird feeling had overwhelmed her…something she thought should have been love.

But was it?

Leaning in close she kissed him, his hands went around her gently and then one dropped to her flat stomach. His hand rested there as their mouths opened and closed. All the meanwhile Pam pretended it was Jim she was kissing…and that it was his baby inside her instead of Ryan's.


	4. Chapter 4

_May_

"_Dunder Mifflin this is Pam."_

_It was a typical boring day at the office. Michael was usual wasn't doing any work and catching himself a quick cat nap before taking a business meeting in his office. Dwight was being extra annoying chewing gum and blowing huge bubbles with it, and Meredith silently sipped from her 711 cup in the background. _

_Ryan meanwhile sat at his desk which used to be Jim's. Sitting there had it's advantages and disadvantages. There was Dwight, always being extra loud and always blowing pencil shavings on Ryan's desk while referring him still as "Temp" Then…there was Michael. Somehow having his back to him made Ryan even more creped out. Often Michael would sneak out of his office and try to scare him, or like last week when he suddenly out of nowhere began to rub Ryan's shoulders as he tried to make a sales call. Ryan tried his hardest to put up with it through…_

_Because there was only one advantage._

_Pam._

_The two were only a few feet away and Ryan liked it this way. The two had started living together shortly after Valentine's day, right around the time they broke the news to the entire office. Ryan remembered the night before and how nervous Pam got as she paced back and forth in his condo._

"_I think we should just get new jobs, that might be easier."_

_Ryan grinned watching her, somehow over the last couple of months everything she did seemed to cute to him. He didn't know if it was him growing up, but before Pam wasn't his type at all. Now he found himself falling in love with her._

"_It will be fine, don't worry…if I can survive starting a fire, we can survive this."_

_The next day they went straight to Toby and broke the news. Toby seemed completely stunned._

"_You…and Pam?"_

_He stared at the two in disbelief. Ryan squeezed Pam's hand as they sat beside each other. Before they could say another word Kelly peeked over the divider and screamed, scaring them._

"_Oh my God!"_

_She raced out through the kitchen before they could say another word. Ryan and Pam looked at each other before Toby sighed and got up from his chair._

"_Let me handle this…"_

_He followed her._

_Both sat in silence for a few minutes before they faintly heard Michael scream. _

"_Should we just start digging a tunnel outside or commit suicide?"_

_Ryan took her hand and brought her through the kitchen. Once they came out everyone went still and didn't say a word. Kelly was by Phyllis's desk crying. Michael and Dwight stood together by Toby at the copy machine and turned and stared at the two of them. Nobody said anything, just stunned faced staring at them. Ryan felt Pam squeeze his hand back before Michael finally walked towards them._

_Ryan didn't know if he was going to scream or cry. Walking up to them he stared at the two of them for a very uncomfortable few minutes before wrapping his arms around the two of them and bringing them in for a big hug. _

"_My Ryan and my Pam! I'm so proud!"_

_Pam and Ryan seemed shocked as Michael hugged them tight, letting go a bit he looked at them and grinned._

"_Who would of thought you two were screwing around?"_

_Pam's face went red as she looked away, Toby cleared his throat and stepped forward._

"_Michael…"_

_But Michael went on._

"_Wow…I always thought you had the hots for Jim…"_

_A few of the others nodded in agreement before Michael smiled again._

"_Well Ryan, this is certainly a shock to us all…a good shock though, you knocking Pam up."_

"_Michael…"_

_Toby started again. Ryan held Pam's hand tighter. _

"_I just can't wait to be godfather to the hottest couple in the office!"_

_Ryan and Pam just stared at him before Angela stood up with her arms crossed._

"_You two are getting married right? You don't want this child to be a bastard?"_

_Before they could say anything Creed walked in from a very late lunch and a box of pizza._

"_Hey guys, anyone want pizza?"_

_Everyone turned his way._

_Now all this time later, after all the awkward talks in the office and Kevin's giggles and Angela's disapproving glanced and Kelly's outburst they had finally found a level of normal. At least as normal as they could get. _

_Michael never seemed happier before in his life and became sort of annoying when he began to pry in their personal life. It finally came to the point that Ryan went to Toby on the side and told him it was upsetting Pam. After a very long talk with Toby Michael tried his hardest to hold back…which wasn't a lot._

_Dwight and Angela made rude comments and seemed to join Kelly in the group that thought the two of them having a baby together was disgusting. But none of that seemed to brother them. They had some support from their parents and each other. Both made it perfectly clear they were going to do this together. _

_Ryan watched Pam, as he often did and smiled._

_They became engaged just last month. Ryan got down on one knee while Pam and him were cooking dinner together in the kitchen and showed her the ring. Pam nearly dropped the plate she was holding when her eyes became wide and she squealed. _

"_I know this is fast Pam, and I don't want you to think I'm doing this just because of the baby…I'm doing this because as scary and as fast as these last few months have been…I've never been happier. Will you marry me?"_

_Pam stared down at the sparking ring and thought of Jim. Instead of telling him all the reasons why they shouldn't, that it would be better just to be friends raising this baby together, she nodded her head quickly while fighting back tears of joy. Ryan's eyes lit up as he stood up and the two began kissing against the counter._

_Just then…_

_The baby kicked._

_Both Pam and Ryan smiled at each other as Ryan touched her stomach. _

_Since then, in Ryan's eyes everything seemed perfect._

_Pam's pregnancy hadn't been easy. She had gained a lot of weight for her small frame and began having a hard time moving around. At the last doctor's visit the doctor told her in just a few weeks she would have to take time off from work until the baby was born. He ordered lots of time off her feet and bed rest. _

_Living together had been easier._

_They adjusted to each other slowly and the strangeness seemed to wash away after the first time they finally slept together sober. Pam remembered at first feeling shy and out of place before he gently began kissing her down her neck. Closing her eyes she fought back from screaming out another man's name._

_There was a different side to Ryan, a caring cute side. _

_They began looking forward to the baby, and soon that was all they could think about. Just a few weeks before hand Ryan was turning his spare room into a nursery._

_In a few more days would be Pam's baby shower. Angela as much as she disapproved of their relationship seemed to warm up once the office heard of their engagement. Offering to throw it, the shower would be after work in which everyone was invited._

_Kelly made a rude comment and said she was going to the gym that night._

_They soon began acting like a regular couple. They would take their lunch breaks together, have small inside jokes, kiss each other, and share many romantic nights in at Ryan's condo. Every other weekend they would go and visit Pam's parents. Ryan's mother made it clear she wanted nothing to do with this. But that didn't seem to bother them._

_They were in their own little world._

_Watching her answer the phones, Ryan smiled._

_He really was in love with her._

_He loved to spoil her. He often took her out on the weekends shopping for the baby and then taking her out for lunch. They shared each other's interest and soon couldn't seen to keep their hands off each other. Ryan told her that on their baby's first birthday they would have the wedding. Smiling before kissing him on the forehead Pam told him that was a wonderful idea. _

_Smiling, Ryan went back to his computer. Pam and him were in the middle of trying to choose names. She was in charge of boys, he was in charge of girls. Scrolling down on the different websites he saw one that had caught his eye the last couple of names._

_Ginger._

_He thought that would be sweet if they had a little girl, most of all because of Pam's hair. Just then he thought about it. What if Pam was going to have a girl?_

_The two had decided during their doctor visits that they didn't want to know the baby's sex. During each sonogram the baby seemed big and healthy. But both thought it would be a better suspire when it was born. Ryan at first thought having a son would be better. He could teach him sports and do everything he wished his dad had done with him. But as Pam's stomach slowly grew and each time Ryan's fingertips would gently dance across it, he felt tiny kicks and felt his heart flutter._

_It was crazy, but he couldn't wait to be a father._

_Thinking of having a little girl, a daughter that looked just like Pam seemed wonderful. Ryan knew if he did have a daughter he would spoil her rotten. Smiling he decided he would ask Pam about the name Ginger on their break._

_Just then the door opened._

_Jim appeared._

_Jim hadn't been back since Halloween…in fact Pam hadn't spoken with him since the night Ryan had gotten her pregnant. He had no contact with this branch at all…until now._

_Nobody had heard nor talked with him. Kevin mentioned that Jim emailed him a few months back with sports scores and said he had a new girlfriend…her name was Karen._

_Kevin told Ryan he didn't say anything about the two of them._

_Ryan knew how Pam felt towards Jim…but out of sight out of mind. He didn't see him as a threat until now._

_Jim looked almost exactly the same other then a shorter haircut. Walking in almost everyone froze. He had a few boxes of files in his hands. Pam almost dropped the phone. Her mouth opened but no words escaped. Jim walked over smiling._

"_Hey Pam…"_

"_Jim?"_

_Jim set down the boxes._

"_I was supposed to hand deliver these while I was taking a meeting over in Westfield. Thought I might see how everyone is doing."_

_Pam just stared at him, right away they locked eyes._

"_Wow…you look…great."_

_Jim said staring at her. Pam looked up, her eyes in a daze._

_That's when Ryan felt himself begin getting worked up. That was his girlfriend…the one he was going to marry. The one who was going to have his baby. Not Jim. Getting up, nearly knocking over his chair he walked over. Everyone watched in silence. _

_Jim snapped out of his trance on Pam before looking over at him. Pam looked as well, embarrassed and caught off guard. Ryan walked over, leaning against her desk._

"_Hey Jim, long time no see."_

"_Hi Ryan…what's going on?"_

_Ryan glanced down at Pam, their eyes locked._

_Ryan wanted to scream. For the last seven months it had been just the two of them. They were living together and engaged. Ryan was in love with her and counting down the days until she had their baby. Their entire life's had changed simply on a promise because of this unborn child._

"_Jim…ummm…"_

_Ryan glanced down at her before Pam backed her seat up enough for Jim to see her pregnant stomach. Her hand gently rubbed the huge bump that was under her sweater. Jim stared down for a second before blinking. _

"_Yeah…you've missed a lot Jim. Pam and I are engaged…"_

_Jim blinked again completely speechless. Pam watched helplessly wanting so badly to just get him alone so she could explain herself. _

_Jim made a nervous laugh before shaking his head._

"_Wow…oh wow and you're…"_

"_Pregnant…yeah she's due on my birthday this July."_

_Jim just stared down at Pam before Michael burst through his door, slamming it open._

"_JIM! PAM AND RYAN ARE HAVING A BABY TOGETHER!"_

_Nobody said anything._

_A few hours later both Ryan and Pam stood in the empty hallway outside. Pam had her coat on as Ryan looked at her with angry eyes._

"_You wanna do what?"_

"_Talk with him, I mean that was a lot to take in."_

"_Pam you have nothing to explain. You two haven't seen each other in almost a year. He moved on and left!"_

"_I know! He…was just my best friend before and I wanna let him know what's happening in my life. I want him to know how happy I am."_

"_Are you?"_

_Pam blinked._

"_What's that supposed to mean?"_

_Ryan shook his head._

"_Nothing, listen I'm sorry…I just don't want you getting upset."_

"_Ryan…I love you. You know that right?"_

_Ryan just stared at her before Pam leaned up and kissed his cheek._

"_Ryan…we're going to have a baby…we're going to get married…I'm in love with you."_

_Ryan looked uncertain yet sighed before rubbing the back of his head._

"_Listen, I'm going to get some coffee down the street, I'll be back in a half an hour and I'll pick you up. If you bothers you just call me and I'll be back right away."_

_Pam tried to smile._

"_Thanks Ryan…"_

_Kissing him, his hand slid against her stomach. The baby kicked. _

"_Half an hour?"_

_Pam nodded before watching him go. All the meanwhile her heart raced in her chest. Turning back inside the empty office, everyone had left all ready. She knew everyone would be talking behind their backs on Monday. Hating being the center of attention, she wished none of this had happened. Walking in she took a deep breath._

_Jim was sitting at his old desk…Ryan's desk._

_He was looking at the framed photographs._

_One was of Ryan and her a few months ago, smiling with their arms around each other. The other one was them at the condo with Ryan's dog. The third was a framed photo of the sonogram. Pam had one taped behind her desk as well._

_Standing there, she felt her legs shake. Jim looked up, his eyes sad._

"_Wow…so you and Ryan."_

"_Jim…"_

"_There's no need to explain. I guess I'll admit I'm in shock…anyone would be."_

"_Jim I know this is a lot…"_

"_No, it's okay Pam. I left…what was I supposed to think? You would wait forever for me?"_

_Pam sighed looking at him, fighting back tears._

"_Jim…I…"_

"_Do you love him?"_

"_What?"_

"_Do you love him?"_

"_Of course I do. What kind of question is that?"_

_Jim shrugged._

"_And your having his baby…I take this wasn't planned."_

"_That's none of your business."_

_Jim shook his head._

"_Your right. We both moved on that's all…I have a life and so don't you."_

"_I love Ryan Jim…I really do."_

_Jim stared at her before Pam thought she would scream._

_Then…_

_A terrible cramp washed over her._

"_Ah!"_

_Pam's knees buckled. Jim's eyes right away widened before he jumped up._

"_What's wrong?!"_

_Pam clutched herself as she fell down to her knees, the pain was terrible._

"_Oh my God…"_

_Pam snapped her eyes shut before Jim rushed over to her, right away he looked down and was speechless._

"_Oh Jesus…"_

_Pam opened her eyes as the pain became worse, looking down she saw blood._

"_No…the baby…"_


	5. Chapter 5

In just a matter of seconds the last seven months seemed to flash before Pam's eyes.

Finally that fateful Halloween night became clear.

Pam remembered grabbing onto Ryan as the two of them quickly, almost in a frenzy undressed each other. Pam's hands snapped Ryan's button down shirt open and began working on his belt. Ryan meanwhile covered her mouth with his and was moaning as he grabbed onto her and the two slammed into the hallway wall together. Laughing through the kiss they stumbled to the bedroom. Pam remembered every detail then, every kiss, every passionate cry…never before in her life had she made love like this. She could see flashes in her mind as Ryan's big blue eyes stared down at her, how direct and serious they were as she threw her head back.

Then she saw herself standing at the sink with the pregnancy test, never feeling so scared and alone before in her entire life.

Ryan's eyes when he found out, the horrible sickening feeling that overcame her when she thought of really being pregnant. She remembered running out of the abortion clinic, Ryan chasing after her. She remembered their parent's reactions and how she cried in his car. She remembered that snowy freezing night when he slipped in the parking-lot.

Suddenly she saw herself, her boring dull life begin to spin into something different. Something scary yet exciting. She no longer saw herself trapped in this office and answering phones for the rest of her life. She didn't see herself engaged to Roy and secretly always thinking of Jim before she drifted off to sleep. She was no longer regretting her choices she made this past year.

She saw herself with Ryan.

How this pregnancy changed them. How they decided to face this together and how each time Pam felt overwhelmed or scared he was somehow always beside her. She saw him kissing her that Christmas eve, telling her that they could do this. She saw him proposing in the kitchen grinning nervously waiting for an answer.

She saw him in jeans and a T-shirt helping her move into his condo. She saw how concerned he was whenever she got a cramp or had bad morning sickness. She saw their nights together talking, watching television and laughing about nothing. She saw them making love while she daydreamed it was with Jim.

She looked back at all their dinners, all his little suspires for her…the flowers, the notes, the kisses while they walked in through the parking-lot. She saw him once getting angry with Dwight when he tried to start a snowball fight in the parking-lot and hit her while they were walking in.

"Attack the woman!"

Dwight screamed, his stupid earmuffs on his head. She remembered him quickly standing in front of her almost as a shield.

"Whoa! Easy Dwight!"

Dwight rolled his eyes mumbling that Ryan should take a chill pill and shuffled inside. Pam remembered giggling before he turned towards her and asked if she was okay.

She remembered how worried and cute he got. How he would rub her feet whenever they were relaxing at the condo. How they enjoyed their weekends together and often talked about the baby. She remembered just last week when Ryan began painting the spare room for a nursery.

She remembered their last doctor's visit and how he squeezed her hand when they stared at the tiny screen at their baby. She remembered seeing the wonder and excitement as he looked at it.

How each time she stared down at her sparking ring she often thought if she was making the right choice. How she would lay awake at night staring at the ceiling as Ryan slept beside her, one arm draped over her. How she would listen to his breathing and wonder if she was really going to be able to do this.

Have this baby, pretend everything was okay?

The thought of being a mother terrified her. She tried talking about this with her mother but she knew how stupid she was being. Her chance with Jim was over…Ryan was here now. This was Ryan's baby growing inside of her.

Ryan was the one who loved her.

Crying out, Jim held onto her with panic filled eyes.

"I'm calling an ambulance!"

"No…Ryan…I want Ryan!"

Pam cried, she felt warmth going down her legs. Opening her eyes for a second she saw blood and thought she would pass out. Just a few minutes ago she felt it kicking…now nothing.

Jim sprang up not listening to her and grabbed the phone on Ryan's desk. He dialed 911.

"Hello? Yes this is a emergency…"

The rest of his words became a blur. Pam tried to breath before another cramp washed over her and she fainted.

Nearly ten minutes later Ryan began driving back to the office. Sitting in the cup holders in styrofoam cups were his coffee and her tea. Ryan had tried listening to the radio to take his mind off things. Driving back he found his hands tightly gripping the steering wheel and his thoughts getting angrier and angrier. Why did Jim have to come and ruin things? Everything was going perfect before he came. Jim was finally out of Pam's life…he was in Stamford and doing his own thing. Pam was done with Roy and had made it perfectly clear to Ryan that she intended to keep this baby as unplanned as it was and raise it herself. As overwhelmed and as scared Ryan felt, he decided to do the responsible thing and step up. He liked Pam, in fact he always found her cute. Looking back he remembered his first day in the office and how Michael had played that prank on her about being fired for stealing. Ryan remembered how she began crying and how awful and guilty he felt watching her.

She wasn't the kind of woman he ever thought he would end up with, but once they decided they would go ahead with this pregnancy things started to feel more real. He was promoted to sales and working twice as hard. He wanted so badly to be promoted and finally became a success but it seemed as though this crazy office had him trapped.

All of that changed though when Pam got pregnant.

Now they were engaged, living together and counting down the weeks until their baby came. Ryan had no idea what kind of father he would be but somehow every time he felt the baby kick the most amazing feeling filled his heart.

He knew somehow he could do this and that he was in fact in love with Pam.

All of those thoughts seemed to shatter when he saw the ambulance with it's lights flashing in the parking-lot.

Speeding in, he prayed it was somebody from the other companies. That maybe there had been some stupid accident at the warehouse. Speeding in he nearly hit a paramedic as he threw the car in park and got out with the engine still running.

That's when he saw Pam on a stretcher being loaded in. Ryan's eyes widened and he ran towards her, everything a complete blur as he began to scream her name.

"PAM!"

"Hey hold on there!"

One of the paramedics tried to stop him but Ryan shoved past. Running towards her, he saw how pale and drained she looked, her eyes barley open.

"PAM!"

Just then he saw Jim following, his eyes worried. Pam glanced up as they loaded her in and saw Ryan fighting to get close.

"Ryan?"

Her voice was weak and full of pain.

Two paramedics held Ryan back as the others loaded Pam inside.

"What happened?! Is she okay?"

"Who are you?"

"I'm her fiancé!"

Jim stood back watching this whole mess play out. Somehow hearing Ryan yell that sounded weird.

"Don't worry buddy she's fine, we're bringing her to the hospital right away…"

"I wanna ride with her! Please let me see her!"

Ryan struggled before Jim walked over, his eyes looking down in shame. That's when Ryan's face crumpled up in rage.

"You bastard you did this!"

Ryan tried to lunge at the much taller man when the paramedics held him back.

"Take it easy!"

Jim took a few steps back.

"I'll fucking kill you!"

Ryan screamed before one of the paramedics held Ryan by the collar.

"Calm down! Listen you can ride with her but you need to calm down!"

Just then the back door opened slightly, one of the paramedics looked out at all the chaos.

"We gotta run man, she's bleeding bad."

Ryan thought he was going to pass out. Right away he froze at these words as the door was shut again and the other paramedic began to move. Ryan took one last look at Jim before they helped him in.

The ride to the hospital seemed as though it took forever. Ryan knew they were speeding and going through all the lights. The first two paramedics sat up front on the radio as the other two sat in the back with Pam and him.

Pam laid there, her eyes fluttering open and close. An IV had been hooked up to her and one of the guys were checking her blood pressure. Ryan sat on the edge, holding her hand tight feeling himself shake. Looking down at the blanket on Pam he saw some of the blood soaking through. His stomach turned as they keep speeding towards the hospital.

Ryan tried to be calm. He tried his hardest to comfort Pam and tell her everything was going to be okay. Her scared gray eyes stared up at him before they arrived.

Once they got to the main doors the orderlies came and rushed Pam inside. Reaching the lobby a doctor appeared and told Ryan he would have to wait outside.

"Ryan!"

Pam cried out as they wheeled her away. Ryan stood there feeling completely helpless. Taking a deep breath he just stood there before Pam disappeared.

It was nearly a half an hour later. Ryan had tried calling Pam's parents but they were away on vacation for the week. Taking a deep breath Ryan tried calling his mother but the second she heard his voice she hung up. Fighting back tears he sat down in one of the plastic seats and put his head down near his knees and waited.

A nurse came over with a glass of water, her eyes full of pity.

"Don't worry honey, I bet your wife is just fine."

Ryan waited.

That's when Jim walked in, his hands stuffed in his pockets and his eyes ashamed. Ryan looked up, at first he wanted to scream and attack him. Punch him as hard as he could and blame him for all of this happening. He wanted to hurt him as much as he hurt.

But before any of that emotion could take him over Jim walked over and Ryan burst into tears.

Ryan barley cried, in fact growing up he learned it wasn't the best thing to do in front of people. Instead Ryan simply kept to himself no matter how much things were bothering him. Crying in front of Jim was a defeat, simply because this entire time he had feared that Pam did in fact still have feeling for him.

Ryan lowered his head and cried as Jim silently walked over and took a seat beside him. Taking a second, Jim put his arm around him and let Ryan cry.

"I'm so sorry man…so sorry."

"If…"

Ryan cried through his words.

"If…she looses the baby…I'm…going to kill you!"

"Ryan don't say that, she's fine…"

Ryan kept crying before shrugging off his arm.

"Stay away from me! You had to come and ruin everything!"

"Hey man I'm sorry…I know I shouldn't have. It was just such a shock…I mean this entire time and then this…"

Jim tried to think of something else to say but no more words could grasp what he meant. Instead he just sat there as Ryan cried.

Five minutes later the doctor appeared.

Ryan sniffled in, feeling terrible that he had broke down like this. His eyes bloodshot he stood up suddenly and almost knocked his chair over.

"She miscarried didn't she?"

The doctor shook his head.

"She came close, and even began going into early labor but we were able to stop it."

"What?"

"Her muscles were contracting, we have her on medication that slows the process down until it stops. I would of done an emergency C-section but the baby's lungs aren't developed yet. She's resting down."

"She's…okay?"

Ryan blinked as the doctor nodded.

"She and the baby are fine."

Ryan thought he would collapse. Relief rushed through him so fast he felt sick.

"Can I see her?"

"Of course."

Ryan turned for a second and just looked at Jim. He had nothing to say to him. Following the doctor, Ryan left him. Jim watched before sighing. Rain began to slowly come down outside. Taking a deep breath he shook his head and walked out.

Ryan was right, there really wasn't any reason why he came here. What did he really expect to find? He was perfectly happy with his new life…why would he want to go down this road again.

Pam had moved on, she had a family now.

Not wanting to ever spoil that, Jim walked out as the rain began to pour.

The doctor explained Pam would need bed rest, and plenty of time off her feet until the deliver day. He told Ryan not to worry and lead him to her room.

Pam laid in bed, her face still pale and sad. Walking in, her eyes lit up and Ryan saw she had been crying.

The doctor left them.

"Hey…"

"Hey."

Ryan slowly walked over before going to her bedside.

"The baby is fine…"

Pam slowly rubbed her stomach.

Ryan said nothing before finally clearing his throat.

"I think he might still love you."

"What?"

"Jim…he waited with me."

Pam said nothing before Ryan sighed, he tried not to cry again…not in front of her.

"You still love him don't you?"

Pam laid there for a moment, silent tears running down her face before she shook her head.

"Not anymore."

Ryan said nothing.

"I thought I did for the longest time. I thought everything was happening so fast and that this might be a mistake because of the baby…but now I know for sure that I could never love him again."

"Why?"

"Because he's not you Ryan. When I thought I was loosing the baby I was terrified…"

She began crying harder now.

"Please forgive me Ryan, I'm so sorry…I want you. Just you."

Taking a deep breath, Ryan blinked away tears before sitting down on the edge of her bed. Putting his arms around her he let her cry against his chest as he kissed the top of her head, thanking God she was okay.

Just then the doctor came in, standing in the doorway he coughed to let them know he was back. Looking over, Pam tried to smile through her tears as Ryan held her.

"I take it everything is okay?"

Both Ryan and Pam smiled.

"Yes doctor."

"Well Pam I'll let you go tomorrow. I wanna keep a close eye on you for the night."

"Doctor?"

"Yes?"

Ryan glanced down at Pam.

"Do you know the sex of the baby?"

"Yes, we did another sonogram of it when Pam was taken in today."

Ryan and Pam glanced at each other before Ryan looked back up at the doctor.

"Do you mind telling us?"

The doctor smiled warmly.

"You're having a baby girl."

Pam's mouth opened in shock before looking up at Ryan. Tears slipped down his face as he stared at the doctor. Slowly…a smile appeared.


	6. Chapter 6

**One week later**

**Pam stood in the shower letting the warm beads of water begin to wash over her. Closing her eyes she tried to relax all her muscles and let all the stress of the last seven months slip away from her.**

**That's when the shower curtain was pulled aside and Ryan stood only in his dress slacks for work. A grin appeared on his face as he watched her. Slightly caught off guard Pam looked and on pure instinct crossed her arms over her breasts. Finding this funny, Pam laughed looking out at him. Even though they had slept together now as a couple for the last couple of months, and both had seen each other naked more on more occasion Pam still felt slightly awaked and embarrassed. Nervously laughing, she couldn't believe it. Here they were about to have a baby and she still really hadn't seen him naked up close. Their lovemaking was usually at night with the bedroom lights off. The more the months past in the pregnancy, the more Pam became more self-conscious about her body. Often she poked jokes at herself saying it looked as though there were a perfectly shaped basketball under her shirt and how huge she looked whenever she waddled into a room. Ryan as always as a gentlemen and told her she was beautiful. **

**Pam felt color fill her face as she smiled.**

"**Hi."**

**Ryan smiled back.**

"**Hey."**

**It had been a week since that horrible day after hours in the office. Pam stayed an extra day at the hospital and everything seemed fine. The doctor ordered bed rest and plenty of time off her feet. Ryan was there with her the whole time. When she was released they went back to the condo with a whole different outlook on this pregnancy. Now that they had come forward with their feelings Pam never felt so lucky before in her entire life. Somehow Ryan seemed different now. Jim was a faint image she was trying her hardest to push away. Ryan meanwhile was real. He was the person who loved her…and she slowly began to see how much she really loved him.**

**Also…they were going to have a little girl.**

**Ryan told Pam he knew they wanted to wait, but at that point in the hospital he just needed to know. Pam asked if that's what he wanted and Ryan told her the truth.**

"**Yes. At first I thought a boy would be easier but the more I thought about it…I wanted a daughter."**

**The day they left the hospital he proposed the name Ginger. **

**Pam loved it, and so this baby began to get into better focus in their minds. It was a girl, and it now had a name.**

**Ryan had returned to work three days before. By the time he arrived there were plenty of rumors that some of the warehouse workers had seen an ambulance and Pam being taken out. The second Ryan walked through the door he was overwhelmed by the millions of questions being asked and Michael asking straight up front if Pam had lost the baby. Ryan told them in a calm, yet somewhat annoyed voice that no Pam was perfectly fine and so wasn't the baby.**

"**Was it because of Jim…you know him visiting?"**

**Kevin asked in his slow paced voice. Ryan stared at him before shaking his head and lied.**

"**No…Jim had left before this happened. I ran to get us coffees when I came back she was having cramps and we called 911."**

**Kelly listened, her arms crossed.**

"**Oh my God you must have been so scared."**

**Ryan shrugged.**

"**The second we got to the hospital they said the baby was fine but they ordered her on bed rest."**

**Michael sighed with relief before patting Ryan's shoulder.**

"**Good, that's good. Also you tell little Ms. Pam that we'll all be looking forward to her baby shower…and that she better pop this kid out fast…Toby sucks at answering phones."**

**Toby looked up.**

"**What?"**

**Since then Pam had been just laying around the condo trying to find ways to pass the time. Yesterday her parents came back and right away rushed there to see if anything was wrong. They got Ryan's messages once they came home. Pam was happy to see them and explained the baby was fine. The rest of the afternoon she spent of the sofa talking and laughing with her parents before Ryan came home.**

**During dinner, Pam noticed how both of them left out the major detail of Jim being there when it happened. **

**Now Pam stood in the shower, certain that she had made the right choice. She loved Ryan, and she loved this baby they were having. Looking into his big blue eyes she smiled and was glad their baby was okay. Just then she knew…they would make amazing parents. **

"**Wanna come in?"**

**Ryan checked his watch.**

"**I guess I could always be a little late coming in…"**

**Pam laughed and felt this dancing feeling deep inside her. The baby began to kick as Ryan began undoing his slacks.**

**For a whole half an hour the two of them stood in the shower until the water became icy cold. For the first time ever, Pam felt herself letting go. This time it wasn't awkward and she didn't pretend it was someone else. Now as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders, watching his hair get matted down with the water, she saw him just as Ryan. The simple temp who had walked into their office one day and into her life.**

**He gentle nuzzled her neck as she kissed him.**

**Once they got out of the shower, both dried off and Ryan laughed looking at the time. **

"**I'm suspired Michael hasn't sent Dwight out looking for me."**

**Redressing, Ryan helped Pam into some comfy sweats and onto the sofa. Bringing her over a few things, he gave her magazines he had picked up for her, a few books, her cell phone, and a DS. Pam laughed.**

"**What the hell is this?"**

**Ryan smiled.**

"**Picked one up for you…thought you might want one while passing the time."**

**Pam hadn't played anything like this since they released the first game boys back in the early 1990's. Turning the box over in her hands she smiled at the fact he got her one in pink.**

"**You're sweet."**

**Ryan smiled leaning over before kissing her.**

"**Now I want you to stay off your feet…if you need anything and I mean anything call me. I'll be here right away."**

"**Okay, thanks Ryan."**

**Ryan smiled again before kissing her forehead. Just then the baby began kicking even harder. Taking his hand she slipped it on her stomach.**

"**I think she knows your leaving."**

**Ryan kissed her deeply this time, for a second Pam thought he might just call the office and take a sick day. Instead he smiled through the kiss and told her to relax, he would be home at five. Leaving, Pam felt for the first time a tiny bit of sadness seeing him go.**

**Was she really falling this fast?**

**Smiling she laid back before flicking on the TV. **

**Nearly two hours past in which Pam tried her hardest to stay put and keep busy with all the things Ryan had left her. First she watched morning television, mostly talk shows and soap operas she couldn't follow. Afterwards she made a quick call to her mother who was doing some gardening out back. The two chatted for nearly a half an hour and Pam made plans with her for lunch later this week. Her mother filled her in on all the usual stuff going on with her and Pam's father and as always asked how the baby was doing.**

**Pam said fine and that she was taking the doctor's orders and hardly getting up at all. **

"**What about the baby shower?"**

"**Well Ryan talked with Angela and their going to have it Sunday here."**

"**Really?"**

"**Yeah Ryan said he wanted to call you to fill you in, but he thought it might be better then bringing me all the way to the office."**

"**And that's why I'm glad he's going to be my son-in-law, he cares about you and your baby so much."**

**Smiling Pam laid back and filled her mom in on the rest of the details. It would be a small shower, thirty people at the most. Ryan was all ready clearing out space and everyone was pitching in to help. Pam felt guilty sitting back doing nothing but Ryan told her he wanted it like this. He wanted this day to be special for her. But Pam knew better…she knew Ryan still felt guilty and uneasy about what had happened. She remembered his yells and how scared he looked as they raced to the hospital. She honestly didn't know what he would of done if she had lost the baby.**

**They talked a little while longer. Pam's mother had been beyond thrilled with the idea that she was having a granddaughter. They talked about clothes and stuff for the nursery before they said their goodbyes and hung up. **

**The rest of the time Pam flipped through her forth baby book she had been reading up on before feeling a little nervous when she got to the birth chapter. Closing it she waddled into the kitchen and fixed herself a quick snack before trying to figure out the DS Ryan had bought her.**

**That's when the doorbell rang.**

**Going to the door, Pam felt her back ache. Answering it she felt her heart jump down into her stomach.**

**Jim stood there.**

"**Jim…"**

"**Hey…is Ryan here?"**

"**Ummm, no…he's at work."**

"**Can I come in?"**

"**Yeah….sure…"**

**Pam felt in another daze. Letting him in, he walked into the living room and stood there with his hands stuffed deep in his pockets. Walking in, Pam felt her heart rate begin to dance. She knew this wasn't good.**

"**Jim…how did you know…"**

"**I looked up Ryan's address. I thought it wouldn't be such a good idea going by the office again."**

"**Oh…"**

**Pam slowly walked over to the couch where she had been nesting. Taking a seat Jim sat beside her. The two sat in silence for a few moments before Pam finally spoke up.**

"**Jim…what are you doing here?"**

**Jim looked down at his hands and sighed.**

"**I didn't want…things to end like they did. I just wanted to explain myself."**

"**You don't need to."**

"**I do."**

**They sat there for a second before Jim looked over at her.**

"**It was a mistake…me stopping by last week. I had finally moved on and started a new life. I felt free. I mean…timing just wasn't right for us Pam. I really hadn't had much contact with you guys and once I found out things had really ended with Roy I thought maybe….just maybe…"**

**Pam felt herself shaking but listened as he went on.**

"**I have a girlfriend now…Karen. She's great…and I'm really happy. I have been for awhile now but I thought what harm would it do if I made some stupid mistake to make the drive out here and…well check up on things."**

"**On me?"**

"**Yeah."**

**They locked eyes.**

"**I have to admit, the last thing I expected was to see you seven months pregnant with Ryan's baby and engaged. I mean…it was a lot to take in."**

"**I know…"**

"**I never would of thought you two…but honestly I felt jealous. My first thought was it was just your way of getting back at me for leaving…trying to move on in your own way. Then it hit me…it wasn't about us or me. You had finally moved on for real. You had this whole different life and I saw you were happy and I hated it."**

**Pam tried to control her tears, she hated her hormones. **

"**Jim…"**

"**I love you Pam…I always will. But I now know for sure it wasn't just bad timing or bad luck that didn't have us get together. It was just life. I think it was supposed to happen this way…"**

"**Jim, I'm so sorry…I know how that must have been when you walked in."**

"**I never expected you and him, but I can see he really cares for you."**

"**Wanna know something?"**

"**Sure."**

"**This was unplanned…in fact it was a huge mistake and I came this close to getting an abortion."**

"**Really?"**

"**But something told me it wasn't right so I ran out and Ryan followed. He's been following me since then. I admit he wasn't in any way the sort of man I thought I would end up with. In fact I thought it would be you…"**

**Jim looked at her, his eyes filled with pain.**

"**But the second I saw that blood and thought I was loosing the thing that had thrown my life out of whack this entire time…I was terrified. I love Ryan Jim…I don't just love him because of the baby or because of how good he was to me. I love him because I know it's right. Like you said…it's almost like it was supposed to happen."**

"**Yeah."**

"**I'm glad you stopped by."**

**Jim tried to smile.**

"**I just wanted to tell you how happy I am for you…and that I think your going to make an amazing mother."**

**Pam blushed.**

"**You think so?"**

"**Yeah…"**

**Pam sniffled in.**

"**We're having a little girl."**

**Jim's eyes lit up.**

"**Really?"**

"**Yeah, we're naming her Ginger."**

**Jim smiled.**

"**That's nice. I'm sure she'll be beautiful just like you."**

"**Thanks Jim…"**

"**No…thank you."**

"**For what?"**

"**For being such a great friend."**

**Both smiled before hugging each other. Nearly a half an hour later she walked him to the door.**

"**I'm never going to see you again am I?"**

"**Never say never Pam."**

**Kissing her on the cheek, Jim winked and left. Pam stood in the doorway feeling shivers before turning around and going back inside. Relief spilling over her she shuffled back to the sofa and stared down at her ring.**

**She had made her choice.**

**And she was happy with it.**


	7. Chapter 7

Later that night Ryan was welcomed by a very affectionate Pam who was waiting for him the second he opened the door. Wrapping her arms tightly around him she pressed her lips against his and nearly knocked him down. Puzzled, yet smiling through the kiss Ryan looked at her trying to catch his breath.

"What's gotten over you?"

Pam smiled up at him.

"I guess I'm just happy your home."

She decided not to mention Jim's visit. Instead she spent the rest of the evening laying on the couch with Ryan. Laying against him as they watched TV. Their hands laced together and the most comforting and peaceful feeling settled inside her. She was truly happy.

That Sunday was the baby shower. Pam's parents had arrived early and helped move some of the furniture out of the way. Ryan's condo was very bare but after lugging in some folding chairs they pushed the small kitchen table in the center of the living room and covered it with a table cloth. Pam meanwhile, dressed in flowing pink shirt and white slacks watched amused as Ryan and her father tried lifting a heavy coffee table to the side.

Pam's mother brought in grocery bags and began going to work in the kitchen. Each time Pam offered to help everyone almost at once told her to sit down.

Angela was the first to arrive. Walking in, she had a few bags of her own. Pam was struck by this and lead her to the kitchen.

"Mom, this is Angela from work…she's been planning this for work."

"Oh, well it's very nice to meet you."

Angela have her a stuff handshake before setting the bags down on the counter.

"I mostly got yellow and green paper products. Cups, plates…this was before I knew you were having a girl."

"No that's fine Angela, I think it looks cute. Very spring time."

Angela just stared at her before nodding. Pam watched as her and her mother began going to work. Suspired as she was, she saw that Angela really was good at this kind of thing. Her mother seemed to work nicely beside her and once the two began setting up trays of food, Pam knew that as odd as it was…Angela was a really good friend.

In less then an hour everyone began to arrive.

A few of Pam's mother's friends came by. Mostly older women who did sewing class with her. They all gushed over how beautiful Pam looked and brought brightly wrapped gifts into the next room. Stanley and his wife were next, then Kevin who had brought a few mixed Cds of live performances of his band.

"Thought it would be nice background music. I would of done it live…but my band is busy this weekend."

"Oh…that's so sweet Kevin, thanks."

Handing the Cds to Ryan, the two exchanged looks before Ryan smiled and winked at her.

Toby was next who seemed a little awkward bringing in his gift. He was followed by Kelly, who stunned both Ryan and Pam in showing up.

Taking Pam aside for a moment she asked if she was scared when she thought she was loosing the baby. Pam was a little caught off guard by this and said she was a little. That's when Kelly crossed her arms and stared down at Pam's ring.

"He's a user Pam. I just wanna warn you before you bring this little girl into the world."

"Ummm, okay Kelly."

Kelly turned and went into the kitchen.

Next was Phyllis and Bob, then Meredith, and Oscar.

Creed came in with a baked pie and said he made it himself. Pam looked at it uneasy…pies weren't supposed to be bright orange and green.

Last to arrive were Dwight and Michael.

Ryan and Pam looked at each other before sighing.

This sure would be one interesting party.

The shower overall was a success. The men mostly went on the small back patio and drank beers. Pam meanwhile sat in the living room with the women drinking tea and opening gifts. Pam was touched by how much people had cared and all the thought that had been put into each gift. At one point Ryan came in and sat beside her as she finished up. Wrapping paper was everywhere and Angela kept cleaning up and making sure everything was in neat order.

When Pam got to the last two gifts she opened the biggest one and found a beautiful white wooden crib. Both Ryan and Pam were actually planning on going crib shopping later that week.

"Wow…this is great."

Right away Pam knew her parents had all ready given their gift. Looking around she saw Michael grinning from ear to ear.

"That was me!"

"Wow…thank you Michael. This is so nice…"

"There's more…"

Ryan bent down and small a smaller package attached to it. Unwrapping it he sat back a little confused.

"A video Ipod."

Michael began to clap. Meanwhile in the background Meredith took another beer as Kevin munched on the snacks laid out on the table.

The last gift was smaller. Just then Dwight walked in.

"That's from me."

"Oh, thanks Dwight…"

Pam unwrapped it as Ryan watched. Puzzled, she held up a glass pickle jar. Holding it in her hands, Pam looked confused.

"What's this?"

"So you can keep the afterbirth."

Right away groans of disgust went through the room.

Shortly before the party ended, Ryan and Pam thanked everyone as the guest slowly began to leave. Pam's mother and Angela were cleaning up as Pam's father had another beer with Michael and Toby out back. Walking into the kitchen, Pam thanked Angela was for everything. The two stared at each other for a moment before Angela cleared her throat, looking very uncomfortable.

"You're welcome Pam."

By midnight, they finally forced Michael out and Ryan and Pam stood together looking at everything.

"I guess I'll start moving stuff into the nursery…"

Ryan said going towards the pile of gifts. Pam rubbed the back of her neck before Ryan turned around holding up a smaller package.

"Looks like we missed one."

"Oh? From who?"

"Doesn't say?"

Ryan tossed it to her as she began to undo the paper. Moments later she looked down and smiled.

"What is it?"

Pam held up a framed photograph taken what seemed to be years ago of both Pam and Ryan. It was the day the office workers and the warehouse workers had played basketball. Michael was snapping photos of everyone and had made some joke about how he wanted one of the two hottest in the office. Making Ryan sit down next to Pam in-between the game, Michael snapped a quick photo before moving on to getting one of Roy and Darryl. Pam remembered Ryan sitting down beside Pam and how Michael made them lean into each other making very fake and awkward smiles. Pam really didn't know Ryan that well back then, in fact he had only been working for them for a few months.

She remembered when the photos were developed she saw Jim stealing the photo. She never really paid any further mind towards it, she just remembered him taking it. Back then Pam thought maybe because it had her in it and that Jim didn't have any photos of her. Back then Pam remembered smiling watching him slip it into his desk draw and thinking about how sweet that was.

Now here it was framed.

"What is it?"

Ryan asked walking over. Pam held it up smiling.

"It's us…someone framed it."

"Who do you think did that?"

Pam shrugged.

"Maybe Michael."

Ryan took the framed photograph staring at it before smiling.

"Wow…I remember this."

"The epic basketball game."

Ryan laughed.

"Wanna know something?"

"What?"

"I was trying to impress you that day."

"What?!"

Ryan nodded still smiling.

"I thought you were cute…"

"You did not!"

"No really…thought I might impress you a little bit."

Pam laughed.

"Well you did…wow look how different you look."

"I know…"

"You should grow your hair out like that again, looks cute."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah…"

Pam smiled leaning in close kissing him.

The rest of the night Pam sat on the carpet of the nursery eating leftovers and cake as Ryan put everything away and began to figure out how to set up the crib. Laughing while watching him, Pam sat back feeling like the luckiest woman in the world.


	8. Chapter 8

**July **

"**Let's get married."**

**Pam looked up suddenly from the chair she had been relaxing in on the back patio of the condo. It was a warm Friday evening and Ryan was able to slip out of work early. The two had spent the last couple of hours out back having ice tea and enjoying the peace. Every once in awhile Ryan would spray bug spray around Pam so she wouldn't get bit as she sat back reading the rest of her book and gently rubbing her stomach.**

**Her due date had all ready past. It had been a total of five days now and Pam was slowly beginning to feel uneasy. Ryan's birthday had past in which Michael decided to buy one of those big cardboard fake cakes and have himself jump out of it when Ryan came close. Coming home that day Ryan cracked open a beer and looked at Pam before shaking his head.**

"**I almost had a heart attack."**

**Pam held back giggles as she listened to him. Believe or not she missed some of the outbursts work had.**

"**Aren't those supposed to be the cakes strippers come out of?"**

**Ryan looked as though his lost color at her question and rolled his eyes. There Pam cracked up laughing before having a very romantic dinner with him. It seemed so strange now that any second now their baby would come. It seemed just like yesterday that Pam was reading the pregnancy tests at her bathroom sink in disbelief. **

**Pam broke out of her trance before looking up at him puzzled. **

"**What?"**

**Ryan stood in front of her, his T-shirt sleeves rolled up. A grin appeared on his face as the sun behind him slowly began to set and change color in the sky. **

"**Let's get married…tonight."**

**Pam smiled before closing her book, the baby shifted in yet another uncomfortable position. **

"**What?"**

**Ryan kneeled down beside her still smiling.**

"**Let's do it…right now, we'll get married before the baby comes."**

"**I thought you said you wanted to wait…I mean a few years at least after the baby…"**

"**I know…but…don't you want us to be married before the baby comes? I mean come on…I know you want to."**

**Pam smiled feeling very overwhelmed.**

"**Ryan the baby isn't going to be a bastard."**

**Ryan laughed with her before gripping her hand.**

"**Come on…marry me Pam."**

**Pam sat there feeling extremely uneasy before a terrible cramp filled her.**

"**Ah!"**

**Pam's eyes snapped shut before Ryan jumped back a bit, his eyes full of concern.**

"**Are you okay?!"**

**Pam took a second before shaking her head, the cramp slowly past.**

"**Yeah…fine…baby just moved in a weird place."**

**Ryan's hands were right away on her stomach.**

"**You sure it wasn't labor pains?"**

**Pam shook her head thinking of how uncomfortable she had been feeling lately. She had gained as much weight as she possibly could and felt as though she would burst at any moment. The baby was now kicking so much now it began to hurt, and her legs ached during the night. Just a few days ago Ryan took her to the doctors in which they were informed that the baby would most likely come by the end of the week. The last couple of nights Pam laid awake thinking of giving birth and feeling terrified.**

**Just yesterday she had spent half of the morning with her mother. The two had overlooked the nursery before Pam's mother suspired her with yet another outfit for the baby in which she brought wrapped. Sitting together on the sofa, Pam expressed how worried she had been lately and how everything seemed to be moving so fast.**

**Pam's mother smiled before telling her that was perfectly normal. Every woman feels that way before having their first baby. Feeling somewhat relived her mother seemed to make her nearly choke on her tea when she informed her that in order to induce labor contractions, usually sex works best. That night as unsexy as Pam felt, she strolled over to Ryan as he checked sports scores on his laptop while petting Rusty, their dog.**

**Rusty was a mixed breed that Ryan had owned the last couple of years. He was an old dog that barley barked or even showed much energy. Strolling over, Pam tickled Ryan's arm before he looked up and smiled.**

"**Hey…you hungry?"**

**Pam shook her head.**

"**I think I have something else on my mind…"**

**Ryan nervously smiled up at her, his eyes completely confused. **

**That night Pam laid beside Ryan embarrassed. For the last hour the two of them had unsuccessfully tried to have sex. Each position they tried failed and finally the two had given up as Ryan laid beside her exhausted and out of breath. Pam then out of nowhere burst into tears. Ryan looked over, worried.**

"**Pam what is it?"**

"**I'm so fat and ugly! You can't even make love to me!"**

**Ryan's arms then quickly went around her as he held her close.**

"**Shhhh, don't say that, you're beautiful."**

"**No I'm not I'm huge!"**

"**You're pregnant Pam…it's okay."**

**Pam and Ryan's sex life really hadn't been going on that long. It took nearly the end of the winter and right before the two moved in together before they finally slept together. At first Pam couldn't believe it. After years with Roy who had always been so selfish in bed, she had finally been woken up to a whole knew different side with Ryan. For a brief amount of time right after the two became engaged, Pam couldn't seem to get enough and left Ryan drained and exhausted for the next morning. But as the months grew on, Pam felt less and less like it. There was still plenty of romance in their relationship, and they seemed to do almost everything else, but sex really wasn't in the cards as of right now. Pam was very attracted to Ryan, and knew now how much she loved him and wanted to make things work. But times like this when her emotions got a hold of her, she felt almost out of control.**

**Ryan then softly began to kiss her and moments later Pam couldn't believe it.**

**They were doing it. Closing her eyes she remembered Halloween and for a brief moment she thought of Jim.**

**Yet…still, she didn't go into labor the next day, or the day after that.**

**Now it just seemed like a waiting game. **

**How much were their life's going to change?**

**Pam finally came back to reality as Ryan still stared at her, his eyes serious. Pam smiled waving her hand before getting up.**

"**It was nothing really…"**

**Pam began to walk back into the condo as Ryan followed her, still not convinced.**

"**You sure? You're back hurt?"**

"**No…just need to lay on the sofa for a bit…"**

**Getting to the living room Pam slowly lowered herself into the sofa and felt sudden relief as her back relaxed. Sighing, Pam titled her head back before looking over at Ryan who nervously stood in the doorway.**

"**Turn on the AC for me hon?"**

**Ryan walked over clicking it on before looking at her again.**

"**What?"**

"**You don't wanna marry me don't you?"**

**Pam sat up, a strange tossing feeling went through her as though somebody had splashed cold water on her.**

"**What?"**

"**You don't do you?"**

**Pam sighed.**

"**Ryan of course I do…I'm just tired and cranky…I'm sorry."**

**Ryan watched her for a moment before his cell phone rang. Reaching into his pocket Ryan flipped it open, almost annoyed.**

"**Hello?"**

**There was silence for a moment before Ryan nodded.**

"**Michael I'm home with Pam…I know…no that's okay…all right I'll be right there. No she didn't have the baby yet…yep, okay bye."**

**Flipping it close Ryan leaned against the doorway rolling his eyes.**

"**Michael?"**

"**Yeah, he needs a file dropped off at the office…Dwight is re-doing the system."**

"**Can't that wait?"**

"**Well I guess not for Michael…listen I need to pop out for about a half an hour…you okay?"**

**Pam nodded before Ryan went to leave.**

"**Ryan?"**

"**Yeah?"**

"**Come here."**

**Ryan slowly walked over before Pam reached up, slightly tugging him on the shirt down towards her. Looking him in the eye she smiled.**

"**I do wanna marry you."**

**Smiling, Ryan leaned down and kissed her before saying goodbye. A few minutes later Pam heard the door shut and then she was alone. Sitting on the sofa Pam shifted her weight before sighing.**

**Did she really?**

**Looking at her engagement ring she felt very lonely, looking around the living room she decided to get up and put on a pot of tea.**

**Getting herself up, that's when the pain happened again.**


	9. Chapter 9

At the office it was nearly closing time. Ryan quickly parked up front before jogging up the stairs. A young girl named Anne was filling in for Pam at the front desk and looked very out of place as she flipped through a mystery novel.

The AC was on full blast and everyone looked as though they were ready to wrap up and go home. Rushing inside Anne looked up and smiled.

"Hi Ryan."

"Hey Anne…"

Ryan quickly went to his desk began searching for the file before he noticed Dwight's eyes on him.

"Hi Dwight."

"Find the file?"

"I'm looking Dwight."

"Good, Michael put me in charge of putting a new system in…I'm thinking ABC order."

"Isn't it all ready in ABC order?"

Dwight just stared up him. Getting the file, which was stuck between two different folders, Ryan quickly handed it to Dwight.

"Here."

"Oh Good."

Dwight studied the file before Ryan looked over his shoulder and saw Michael's office empty.

"Where's Michael?"

"Downstairs…their giving away free cotton candy."

"Oh…how did I miss that."

Dwight then leaned back in his chair giving Ryan a creepy grin.

"So…did Pam give birth yet?"

"Nope, still waiting."

Ryan locked up his draws as he began getting ready to leave again. He really didn't like the idea of leaving Pam alone, most of all when her due date was coming so close.

"You excited?"

"Yeah."

"Are you really excited?"

"Yep."

"Are you super excited?"

Ryan just stared at Dwight before Kelly ran over, throwing her arms around him.

"Oh my God Ryan how's Pam?!"

Sighing, Ryan looked up at the clock and knew this would take longer then a half an hour.

Nearly an hour finally past when Ryan finally was able to pull himself away as everyone began getting their things and heading down to the parking-lot. Michael met Ryan on the stairs and took up most of his time talking with him and asking personal questions about Pam.

"So…is she having it natural? Aren't you grossed out? How's the sex life been?"

Finally Ryan was able to get to his car and head back to his place. By then the sun was nearly down and the sky was giving off a beautiful purple blueish color to it. Driving Ryan couldn't help but laugh. If he played his cards right he really might be up for that promotion that was in the talks. Thinking of finally breaking away from this dull and crazy office seemed wonderful. Driving home Ryan dreamed that maybe if he did get it that he would move Pam and the baby into a huge apartment, the best there was and give them everything they ever wanted. He thought of finally being a success, where people respected him and didn't call him 'temp' or made fun of him for not making a sale. Thinking of living in New York with Pam and their daughter made him grin before reaching the condos.

All of that shattered the moment he opened the door.

Rusty was at him right away jumping up and barking, which wasn't normal.

"Whoa! Easy boy!"

Rusty, who usually spent his days sleeping on the carpet now showed as much energy as a puppy. For a long time Ryan had worried that he might jump up at Pam and hurt the baby, but Pam laughed this off. If Rusty ever jumped up on anyone it would be a miracle.

The dog kept barking as Ryan made his way down the hallway.

"Pam?"

Maybe she had fallen asleep, she did say something about her back hurting.

Then Ryan froze.

Pam was on the kitchen floor in what looked to be a puddle of blood, it streaked all over in places where she tried to get up and reach the phone. She looked as though she lost color and seemed to be in pain.

"Ryan?"

She weakly said.

Ryan's eyes widened before he ran over, nearly skidding in the blood.

Blood…so much blood.

His mind began to spin.

"The baby…"

She said weakly before snapping her eyes shut.

"Ah! It hurts!"

Right away held onto her and took the cell phone out of his pocket, his hands shaking badly he dialed 911.

"Hello? This is a emergency…my fiancé' is pregnant and she's bleeding…"

Pam laid in his eyes before crying out again, looking down Ryan felt helpless.

"Jim!"

She faintly cried out as Ryan listened to the operator tell him an ambulance was on it's way.

Nearly fifteen minutes later Ryan stood in a hospital corridor getting into scrubs. The entire ambulance ride was a complete blur. Pam kept crying out at the top of her lungs saying it hurt. On the way there her water broke and her heart rate began to go all over the place. The paramedics placed an oxygen mask over her and watched her pressure as Ryan gripped her hand, looking at the blood down her legs made him feel sick.

Once they reached the hospital a bunch of orderlies rushed her away, a nurse forced him to fill out some paperwork quickly before Ryan grabbed his cell and called Pam's parents. Just hearing Pam's mother's voice made him terrified. The moment he told her she was bleeding she sounded worried.

In almost a daze, Ryan remembered the first time when she started bleeding. How scared he was and how they rushed her up to the same exact hospital that he now stood in. Feeling as though he was dreaming, Ryan thought of the last nine months and how much he had really fallen in love with Pam.

Thinking of Halloween night, he thought that was the best mistake he could of ever made.

But still…he had this awful feeling she really didn't love him. Thinking of how she cried out Jim's name sent a horrible feeling of rage though him. He hated Jim and wanted him dead.

Finally a nurse lead him to the delivery room, it seemed as though she was ready.

"This happening too fast."

Ryan thought to himself. He thought labor took hours. Somehow this was finally happening and reality was setting in. He was going to be a father.

He felt so scared and so young.

What if something happened?

Feeling his insides shake they lead him into the delivery room where Ryan's heart nearly broke.

Pam was in a hospital grown with what looked like a hairnet over her beautiful red hair. Sweat was rolling down her face and she was crying as the nurses hooked monitors up to her. The doctor sat at the end of the delivery table trying to get her to relax.

One of the nurses gently took Pam's arm.

"See…there he is."

Pam who was breathing heavy, trying her best to catch her breath looked over and her eyes seemed to light up. Leading him over to her, the nurse smiled.

"She kept asking for you."

Ryan looked down at Pam who looked to be in horrible pain.

"Ryan…oh Ryan help me! Help me please!"

Ryan finally snapped out of his daze. Jim wasn't here…Jim was living his life somewhere else. He finally wanted Pam to see this. That he was here for her…not Jim. Taking her hand, Ryan kneeled down and kissed her forehead.

"It's okay baby…Shhhh, you're going to be fine."

"It hhh-hurts!"

Pam began crying before the nurse injected something into her IV. Gripping her hands and kissing them, Ryan nuzzled his head against hers.

Finally the doctor wheeled his stool over to Pam.

"Okay Pam, you're going to need to start pushing."

Pam's scared eyes stared up at Ryan before he forced a smile.

"Come on Pam, you can do this."

Tears of pain rolling down her face, Pam snapped her eyes shut and began to push.


	10. Chapter 10

When Pam's parents rushed down the corridor, they found Ryan in his scrubs crying. Stopping dead in their tracks they looked at him before he lifted his eyes, which were bloodshot and raw. Pam's mother's jaw dropped before she placed her hand over her mouth. Pam's father slowly went over and put a firm hand on Ryan's shoulder.

"The baby didn't make it son?"

Ryan felt more tears run down his face, never before in his entire life did he feel so helpless.

"I don't know…they made me leave the delivery room. Pam couldn't push anymore and all these monitors kept beeping and they said something about the baby's heart rate…"

His words broke up as he lowered his head and kept crying. Slowly Pam's mother came over and the two of them sat between him, their arms around his shoulders and waiting. As Ryan sat there, he prayed with all his might Pam and his baby were going to be okay. He truly didn't know now what he would do if something had happened.

Finally the doctor appeared, putting down his mask and looking at them. Pam's parents and Ryan looked up before Ryan shot up to his feet.

The doctor smiled.

"You have a daughter Mr. Howard…six pounds seven ounces. Pam is doing just fine."

For no reason at all Ryan burst into fresh tears as Pam's parents stood up laughing and crying at the same time.

"Would you like to come see her?"

Moments later Ryan was lead into the deliver room where he spotted Pam, who looked completely drained and exhausted holding a tiny little bundle in a pink blanket. Looking up she smiled.

"Ryan…I want you to say hello to you're daughter Ginger."

Ryan walked over, his eyes huge and amazed. Going over, he slowly kneeled down and looked at the tiny baby. Right away he laughed in amazement as new tears kept going down his face.

"She's beautiful…"

Pam looked down at the baby with so much love before looking at Ryan.

"You wanna hold her?"

Ryan suddenly felt scared, Pam must of seen this in his eyes and laughed.

"You won't break her."

Seconds later Ryan very slowly held the baby and looked down at her. Pam smiled looking up at the two of them before Ryan looked down in complete awe.

"This is our baby?"

Pam smiled nodding.

"Yep, she's all ours."

Ryan looked down at the baby and remembered the day Pam had left the abortion clinic, and how he had chased after her. Thinking of that cold overcast winter day made Ryan so amazed that finally here their baby was.

"She's so beautiful…"

Ryan said again.

Smiling, Pam looked up at him.

"I love you Ryan."

Ryan looked down at her, any thoughts of Jim or how she had called out for him faded away. Smiling he looked back down at her before gently leaning forward and kissing his baby's head.

"I love you too Pam."


	11. Chapter 11

**Three months later**

Pam was on her way to the kitchen late one evening at the condo when she stopped dead in her tracks and couldn't help but smile. Ryan was in jeans and a T-shirt and bathing Ginger at the sink. He was leaning down gently putting water on the baby and cooing to her. Pam stood there for a moment watching them and for some odd reason her heart suddenly filled with so much love she couldn't seem to even stand it.

The last three months had been exhausting, and somewhat terrifying for Ryan and her. Being new parents meant the two of them often paced back and forth trying their hardest to get the baby to sleep during the early hours of the morning. Pam seemed to always be calling her mother up in complete panic asking a million questions and begging her to come over and see if she was doing everything right. Somehow all the books and reading she did on the internet didn't prepare her for half of the things Ginger pulled on them. Pam at first got scared to death whenever the baby cried or had a fever. The doctor began making jokes telling Pam if she visited his office any more they might as well set up a cot for her out back. Taking time off from work, Pam didn't think she would ever be ready to fully get back into the swing of things and still have Ginger. Being a mother was terrifying. There were a million things to think and worry about and it seemed as though every minute Pam was up either changing or feeding her. It wasn't until just a week ago that Pam began sleeping halfway through the night again. Once or twice when Ryan was at work Pam would cry silently alone on the back deck wondering how she really would be able to handle this.

Finally as Ginger adjusted to her schedule things slowly began to seem somewhat easier.

Pam spent most of her days over her mother's or having her mother visiting. They did laundry together and often watched Pam's mother's soaps while Ginger was having her morning nap. Pam's mother gave her plenty of advice and kept telling her that as hard as it was…you couldn't capture the feeling when your own baby looks up at you and giggles.

Pam began slowly having more fun with the baby and looked at her as her own little doll. Her hair seemed to be coming in her own color, but her eyes were all Ryan's. Almost twice a day Pam would dress her up in what seemed to be the millions of outfits she received when she was pregnant. Using her camera she snapped away at almost any little cute thing Ginger did. Ryan joked that they would need to buy twelve albums just the fit in the first three month's of Ginger's life.

Pam took her out of walks on the stroller and couldn't help but feel extremely proud whenever someone commented on how beautiful and good the baby was.

Pam still couldn't believe that she was finally a mother.

Ryan meanwhile was working non-stop and trying his hardest to get the promotion that was coming up. Pam could tell this meant a lot to him, but deep down inside hoped he wouldn't get it. As dull as her life was here…she still liked it and it was still home. The thought of moving to New York with Ginger and being miles away from the help of her mother scared her to death.

Ryan was very overworked, yet couldn't seem to get enough of Ginger. Once he got home in the evening he would lay on the carpet with her playing or simply have her lay on him whenever he laid on the sofa. Pam thought it was cute about how much he went on and on about the baby, and what a help he had been. Most of the time whenever Ginger woke in the middle of the night, Ryan would be the one getting up and letting Pam sleep. He slowly got into the swing of things and seemed really good about everything. He changed Ginger, gave her morning and night bottle, and often couldn't seem to get enough of holding her and walked around the nursery with her in her arms whenever she got restless or cranky. Pam once even had to tell him that Ginger needed her sleep to and that picking the baby up all the time and fussing over her wasn't the best thing. But Pam could see, Ryan loved his daughter and was all ready turning into an amazing father.

Pam remembered just last month when she had read some article about cribs deaths. Ryan demanded Ginger's crib should be moved to their room for a while and Pam caught Ryan waking up almost every half an hour to see if the baby was breathing. It made her feel so lucky and loved, yet it still felt so odd. Here she was three months later and she was a mother. Almost every time she looked down at Ginger she seemed amazed. When Ginger was nearly a month Pam visited the office with the baby in which everyone gushed over how beautiful she was. Ryan stood looking proud until Michael slapped him on the shoulder.

"Thank god the dad has good sperm! Huh Pam!"

Ryan blushed as Kelly raved on and on about how much the baby looked like Pam. Creed meanwhile walked over and stared down at Ginger who was sleeping in her car seat.

"Yep…that's a baby."

Finally Dwight and Angela went over in which Dwight leaned in close, looking at the baby which made Ryan somewhat nervous.

"She'll be short…like her parents, at least 5'2."

Angela then looked down at the baby before looking at Pam, her eyes uncomfortable.

"She's…cute."

Pam looked over at Ryan and smiled.

Then Michael attempted to pick Ginger up and both felt their hearts leap into their throat

Now here she was, standing and looking at Ryan and their daughter.

She wanted to say something to Ryan, yet couldn't seem to find the words. Finally she cleared her throat as Ryan lifted Ginger up and wrapped a large towel around her before kissing her belly.

"That's a good girl!"

The baby seemed to giggle and smile as Ryan dried her off, holding her in his arms. Turning, he saw Pam.

"Hey."

Pam nervously smiled.

"Hey…getting her ready for bed?"

"Yeah, just as soon as we dry off, huh honey?"

Ryan lovely kissed Ginger's head before looking at Pam.

"What's wrong?"

Pam looked down at her feet and tried to find the words, she couldn't believe she was saying this.

"Umm…I've been meaning to ask you…but I've been doing a lot of thinking and I thought maybe I could be going back to work soon."

Ryan just stared at her, no emotion showed. Pam shuffled her feet, trying to find the next set of words.

"I know what we said and agreed on…and I know I've been complaining about how tried I've been and how busy with Ginger…but I talked with my mom and she thinks it might be good for me to go back. You know…get into the swing of things…"

"What about Ginger?"

"Well my mother offered to watch her during the day…maybe I can work something out with Michael and get out earlier."

Ryan just stared at her.

"Pam…we agreed. I would stay home if I could but I can't…"

"I know…it's just…I'm going stir crazy and the extra money would be nice…"

"It's because of him isn't it?"

Pam froze.

"What?"

"The merger…Stamford coming to our branch…Jim."

"W-What?

"Come on Pam…you said before you knew about the merger that you couldn't even see yourself working until Ginger was at least two…now all of a sudden you wanna come back?"

Pam had nothing to say, instead Ryan simply rolled his eyes and took Ginger out of the kitchen and down the hall. Standing there alone, Pam slowly rubbed her arms before looking down at her engagement ring.

Having Ginger had been hard, and while she was recovering in the hospital she made a deal with Ryan. On Ginger's first birthday she would marry him. Pam remembered the way Ryan looked down at her smiling before the two kissed.

In these past three months they had been so busy with Ginger, everything else seemed like a blur. Pam and Ryan were making love again, and Ryan seemed very overwhelming with his affection. It seemed as if every second he was always kissing or holding her.

Then one day he came home with news of the merger. Right away Pam's eyes lifted up.

But she had made it perfectly clear to Jim that she had made her choice and that she was happy with Jim.

Then why was she doing this?

Thinking of Jim's face, Pam sighed before doing down to their bedroom as Ryan changed Ginger on their bed and got her into the crib. Kissing his hand and putting through the bars of the crib, he touched the baby's foot before looking up and staring at her.

Pam just stood there.

"Ryan…"

He then looked away and went over on his side of the bed. Slowly he began taking his sneakers off before Pam went around to see him. Sitting beside him she placed one hand on his cheek.

"Ryan…I thought we've been through this…I love you."

Ryan looked at her with uneasy eyes as Ginger laid in the crib, slightly kicking and looking up at her mobile.

Ryan's eyes then got serious.

"Pam…I love you and our daughter. I want to give you the world and I'm trying. If I get this promotion…you can finally work on you're art. You can do anything you ever wanted to do."

"What I wanna do is get back to normal. I love being here with Ginger, but I need to get back into the swing of things. I wanna look up from my desk and see you."

Ryan just stared at her.

"If that's what you want…then fine. But I need to say something…"

Pam nodded.

"Okay."

"I love you Pam…but if I ever catch you with Jim, even once again…I'm taking our daughter and you'll never see her again."

Pam was speechless, she couldn't believe it.

Then…before she could say another word, Ryan's hands were on her and he began kissing her. Slowly being lowered onto the bed, Pam couldn't even think. Did he really just say that?

As the two made love, Pam stared up at the ceiling and thought about seeing Jim soon.


	12. Chapter 12

_Two weeks later _

_Pam nervously sat behind her desk staring at her computer before grabbing her compact and checking her hair quickly. Ryan meanwhile glanced up watching her, his grip tightening against the arm of his chair. Looking back down at his computer, he glanced over at the framed photograph he had of Ginger and slightly smiled. Somehow he was putting up with this simply because of her…and the fact he still truly did love Pam, but now wasn't so sure if she felt the same way._

_Things had been weird after that night in which Ryan told her what he would do if he ever found out Pam still had feelings for Jim. Since then the merger had happened and as awkward as it had been, Ryan thought it went smoothly as it ever would. Right away Michael scared nearly everyone away and on that early Monday morning Jim came strolling in._

_Pam couldn't help herself, having been back to work for nearly a week she nearly flew out of her chair wrapping her arms around him. Ryan who watched, cleared his throat loudly before both looked over and the hug broke as Jim looked away in a very uncomfortable way. Right away Jim tried pulling out the chair at his old desk before Ryan quickly walked over and sat it in before he could. Pam watched before sitting back down, her face burning._

"_Oh…you're sitting here now."_

_Ryan just stared up at him before Jim took the desk beside him. _

_The silence nearly killed Pam before nearly an hour past and Jim walked up to her desk, Ryan's eyes sharply watching her._

"_So let's see photos…I wanna see what the Beesly offspring looks like."_

_Pam smiled before turning her computer screen towards him as he leaned down and looked._

"_There she is…she's my desktop background."_

_Jim grinned looking at the photo._

"_Wow she's beautiful."_

_Pam smiled up at him._

"_Thanks…"_

"_Have you taken her here yet?"_

"_Only once…Michael likes to hold her…and throw her up in the air."_

_Jim made a face making Pam laugh before the new girl Karen walked over, putting her arm around Jim._

"_What's so funny?"_

_Jim looked over at her smiling._

"_Just looking at Pam and Ryan's daughter."_

_Karen leaned down looking at the screen before smiling._

"_She's so cute! How cold?"_

"_Almost four months."_

_Just then Michael yelled out that he wanted a meeting to welcome everyone and called everyone into the conference room. Rolling his eyes, Jim made another face._

"_Ah, how I missed these…"_

_Just then Karen kissed Jim._

"_Stop being such a baby."_

_The two nuzzled their noses together as Pam's face dropped. Watching them walk into the meeting room together, she noticed they were holding hands._

_So didn't Ryan._

_Right before Jim went into the meeting room, he slapped Ryan on the shoulder._

"_Hey man. The baby is beautiful…has your eyes huh?"_

_Ryan saw Pam's face and couldn't help but grin._

"_Yeah, thanks man."_

_As everyone went into the meeting room, Ryan waited for Pam to get up. Slipping his hand into hers, the two sat together as Pam watched Jim and Karen closely. _

_Weeks went by and in the end only Karen, Jim, and Andy stayed at the office. _

_There were plenty of awkward moments and it seemed as though any time Pam and Jim talked, Karen and Ryan were watching closely. _

_The night after Beach Day, Pam sat on the carpet floor of the condo with Ryan watching Ginger lay underneath her hanging play rings as she giggled each time Ryan moved one. _

_At Beach Day, Pam spent the entire time watching Jim and Karen and couldn't help for some strange reason feel jealous. In fact the last two months had been horrible for her. Somehow seeing Jim again and remembering everything seemed too much. She watched from afar as Karen and Jim laughed, kissed, or joked around like they used to. She knew Ryan was noticing and she could tell it was upsetting him. _

_The last few months for Pam had been dull, it seemed as though every day was the same. She would get up with Ryan, drop Ginger off at her parent's, go to work which now seemed to crawl by, then get Ginger, go home, spent the rest of the night fussing over her, then put her to bed._

_Once they were alone Ryan was either studying, or Pam watched TV. The romance was slowly fading away and as much as Ryan tried, he could feel Pam pulling away. It now seemed as though every night she had a headache or didn't feel like it. Every night Ryan would lay awake wondering when they did make love…was it Jim's face she was pretending was there instead of his?_

_He tried to make things work. Often he tried suspiring her and even had flowers delivered to her desk for a whole week while Jim watched. At the end of the week Pam told Ryan that it was a waste of money and all of the flowers around her desk was making her eyes water. Ryan then tried taking her out whenever Pam's parents could baby-sit. But she always seemed half there, almost in a daze. _

_At dinner Ryan finally gave up on trying to talk with her. Most of the time she wasn't listening anyways. Instead he would direct his attention on Ginger and keep busy feeding her. In fact whenever they were home there seemed to be distance between them that Pam was making. So Ryan simply started paying all of his attention to the baby. _

_After studying as exhausted as he was, he would spent a good two hours playing with her or bathing and feeding her. Once she was in bed he would shuffle out to the living room where Pam would be blankly be staring at the TV with no expression at all. _

_They would sit together, and sometimes Pam would lay her head on his shoulder. But most of the time they didn't even touch each other at all. _

_At work it seemed the worse. Ryan tried so hard to make her happy. He would often looked up from his desk at her whenever he was staring over and wink at her. She would make a small smile before dropping her eyes. Ryan meanwhile would know the real reason why she was looking up in the first place._

_To look at Jim._

_At Christmas, Ryan made the biggest deal of it being Ginger's first Christmas. Pam meanwhile had the flu after the office party and spent most of the holiday in bed. Ryan suspired her with a beautiful set of wooden carved paint brushes in which Pam wrapped her arms around him thanking him._

_When he tried to kiss her, she backed away telling him she didn't want him to get sick._

_But Ryan knew better._

_The new year came and past and still things stayed the same._

_Now the two of them laid on the carpet together watching Ginger play before Ryan looked up at her._

"_You're unhappy aren't you?"_

_Pam looked as though she was being shaken out of a bad dream._

"_Huh?"_

_Ryan sighed._

"_Pam the last couple of months have been awful…you pretend I'm not even here."_

"_That's not true."_

_Ryan just stared at her before Ginger giggled and looked at Ryan from the floor. Ryan smiled touching her tiny feet before looking back at Pam._

"_It's weird isn't it?"_

"_What?"_

"_Work…seeing Jim."_

"_No Ryan…"_

"_No, it's weird seeing him with Karen after all this time…I get it. Also it's been a tough year getting used to Ginger."_

_Pam looked down at the baby before sighing._

"_I guess…"_

"_I wanna tell you something."_

"_What?"_

"_I got a phone call today."_

"_Yeah?"_

_Ryan grinned._

"_I got the job."_

_Pam froze._

"_What?"_

"_The promotion at New York…the one everyone has been trying to get. They called me and I'm in."_

_Pam was speechless as Ryan smiled. Finally she spoke, slowly and in shock._

"_You…got the job in New York?"_

"_Yeah, isn't that great! I wanted you to know first so I waited."_

"_But…what does this mean?"_

"_It means we're going to New York Pam…isn't that great?"_

"_But…New York?"_

"_Yeah, we've talked about this. That's why I'm been putting in so many hours."_

"_Wow…that's…wow…"_

_Pam couldn't believe it as Ryan smiled sitting up._

"_I have to go next weekend for a meeting, while I'm there maybe we can look for apartments or something."_

"_Wait…we're moving there?"_

"_Well yeah Pam…I'm not leaving you and Ginger behind."_

"_But…"_

"_You promised remember? We're set now with this job. You can study art and we'll hire a nanny for Ginger."_

"_But…my family?"_

"_We'll visit them, hell we'll even drive down every other weekend."_

"_My job?"_

_Ryan stared at Pam._

"_You hate it there Pam…you said so yourself."_

"_Yeah but…everyone I know is here…"_

"_Jesus Pam! I thought you would be happy!"_

_Pam blinked._

"_I am…it's just a lot…I mean…wow…"_

_Ryan reached over gently touching her face._

"_Pam, I told you the moment you got pregnant that I was going to take care of you."_

_Pam nervously smiled._

_Right away she thought of Jim and how really awful and awkward the last couple of months had been. Looking at Ryan's big eyes she knew he really meant it. He was trying his best. Right away a million thoughts went through her mind and how terrified she was of moving to the big city with Ryan and the baby._

_This seemed like too much and she wanted things to slow down._

_But before she could, Ryan was kissing her. _


	13. Chapter 13

"So you're really going to New York huh Beesly?"

Pam walked to her car clutching her box full of her things. Ryan was upstairs talking with Michael who seemed to be latched onto his leg.

It was a few weeks ago everything was set. Ryan and Pam were moving to New York.

Ryan had drove down there twice all ready and had all ready been shown around the main offices he would be working in. Ryan came home every weekend with exciting stories of how big the city was and how cool his job sounded like. Pam was happy for him, yet very worried about moving there.

Talking with her parents, they told her that it did sound like a really good idea. If she was planning on marrying the father of her daughter, then she would have to get ready to go wherever he attended on going. Pam's father told her not to worry and that Ryan seemed like a bright kid who would work hard to take care of her and Ginger.

Pam meanwhile still felt scared to death. She wished this had happened when Ginger was a little bit older.

Finally Ryan took her down there while Pam's parents watched the baby. He showed her around and she seemed very overwhelmed by the size and buzz of the city. Finally he showed the apartment that Dunder Mifflin had helped him grab for a reasonable price. It was a little smaller then the condo, but had a beautiful view. It was on the better side of town. While being shown around, Pam clutched onto Ryan's arm and somehow felt herself smiling.

Ryan then showed her the more artsy side of town in which they went to three museums. Pam felt like a little kid again and was blown away at how easy going and brilliant these people worked. Ryan told her once they got settled she should look into making taking a few classes there.

Once they got home. Pam thought of all those times Karen and Jim kissed in front of her and finally wrapped her arms around Ryan and laughed.

She told him she couldn't wait.

Feeling very overwhelmed, Pam nodded before going to her car. Jim helped her open the trunk before Pam placed the box inside. Looking up at him, Pam couldn't help with what she was about to say next.

"Are you happy with Karen?"

Jim blinked and made a nervous smile.

"What?"

"Are you happy with Karen? You told me you two were talking and kinda going through a rough patch."

Jim shrugged.

"Yeah I guess so…nothing serious though."

"Oh…"

Pam slowly nodded.

"You excited?"

"About what?"

"New York…"

Pam shrugged.

"I guess so…a lot is happening so fast…in fact the past couple of months have."

"What do you're parents think?"

Pam leaned against her car after Jim helped her shut the trunk.

"Their happy for me…they keep asking when we're going to get married and how much this move might open doors for my life and Ginger's…blah, blah, blah…"

Jim smirked.

"When are you two getting married?"

"When Ginger turns one…I think…"

The two stared at each other for a moment before Pam's eyes dropped and looked at her shoes.

"Listen, I wanted to thank you for that photograph."

"Huh?"

"The one of me and Ryan at the basketball game in the warehouse…thanks."

"Oh that thing, yeah I found it and decided to send it…thought it might be weird sending one of you and me."

Pam lightly laughed.

"Yeah…that's like the only photo of Ryan and me before everything happened."

"Yeah you two barley knew each other."

"Yep…and now we're raising a daughter together and I'm following him to New York."

Jim looked at her a moment longer before reaching over and gently touching her face.

"Stay strong Beesly, I'm sure everything will work out fine."

Smiling, Pam thanked him trying her hardest to hold back tears. All the meanwhile Ryan watched from Michael's window upstairs. His eyes narrowing until Jim left her and walked back inside.

Passing him on his way out, Jim said goodbye and all Ryan would do was mutter to him. Walking down the stairs he felt himself get furious. He was glad he was leaving this place once and for all. He was glad he had finally made it and was going to show to everyone there that he just wasn't the temp or the fire guy. He would be a success…and he would take care of his baby and finally make Pam love him.

Meeting her outside in the parking-lot the two stared at each other.

"Ready?"

Pam slowly nodded before taking one last glance up at the office building.

"Goodbye Jim."

She softly said under her breath. The ride home they drove in silence.

That week they finally moved. Once at the apartment, which was cluttered with boxes and odds and ends, Pam suddenly felt very overwhelmed and homesick. The drive down hadn't been that bad and Pam had left her car at her parent's. Ryan said since they wouldn't need two cars anymore that maybe they could sell it next time they spent some time in Scranton. Ryan had told Pam that even though they wouldn't get a lot of money maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea if they made an account for Ginger's college. When Pam laughed at this Ryan shot her a look before picking the baby up and leaving the room.

Sighing, Pam knew she was acting like a bitch. In fact the last couple of months had been really weird between them. Pam knew it was mostly because of how awkward things had been since Jim came back and how distant she was making herself. She also noticed how protective Ryan was getting with the baby.

Now here they were in the apartment. Ginger sat in her playpen wiggling around holding what looked to be a rubber ball. Pam meanwhile looked around at everything that had to be unpacked and suddenly burst into tears. Right away Ryan appeared, who had been unpacking in the kitchen.

"Pam?"

Pam looked at him, tears running down her face.

"I'm sorry…I guess I'm just homesick."

Ryan went over right away gathering her in his arms. Pam buried her face into his shirt and began to sob. Ryan meanwhile gently rubbed her back trying his hardest to sooth her.

"Shhhh…it's all right. I'm here."

"I'm sorry for how awful I've acted…I've been horrible to you and Ginger!"

Ryan pulled away for a second looking at her with serious eyes.

"Don't say that…"

"But it's true!"

Ryan then kissed the top of her head.

"Hey…we're starting a whole new life here…there's nothing to worry about."

Pam thought of Jim again but then an awful image of him kissing Karen appeared in her mind. She knew it was truly over. She had lied to herself this entire time hoping…that somehow the past could come back. Now she knew she had made her choice. She was a mother now…and she was with Ryan.

After about a half an hour, Pam finally calmed down. The two of them slowly began unpacking and by the end of the night the two laid on the bare mattress in their bedroom staring up at the ceiling as Ginger laid between them.

Slipping his hand into hers, Ryan glanced over at Pam and smiled.

"I love you Pam."

Looking down at Ginger, Pam then met with his eyes and smiled back.

"I love you Ryan."

Sadly…that didn't last.

Adjusting to life in New York had been hard. Almost right away Ryan was swept up with working long hours at the head offices uptown. He got up around five in the morning and didn't come back until eight. Pam meanwhile stayed all alone with Ginger, unpacking and mostly thinking about home.

Ryan seemed to always have a story about what was going on and how different business was in the city. Slowly the long days turned into times in which Ryan would come home around eleven. There was always a business meeting or dinner he had to attend, trying his hardest to impress clients.

Once Pam hired a somewhat trustworthy nanny for Ginger once or twice, she had been invited to larger functions with Ryan. Somehow Pam felt as though she stuck out. Always feeling awkward in these pricy gowns Ryan suspired with her nearly every week, and never wanting to let go of his hand whenever they were in a large crowd.

Months worn on and Pam still hadn't visited home.

Her parents had driven over for a weekend and stayed in the living room. When Pam's mother asked how she was adjusting, Pam shrugged and simply said.

"It's lonely…"

"Pam my dear…motherhood is the loneliest thing of all."

But Pam didn't really mean that. She meant her entire life.

She always begged Ryan to drive down with her for the weekend to visit, but there always seemed to be some excuse. Mostly his work load and meetings.

Still, he found time for Ginger.

As tired as he was, no matter what hour he came home at he would be the one who would wake up and feed Ginger her bottle. He would always creep into her bedroom before heading off to work or the gym and always lean down over her crib and smile down at her.

It made Pam's heart swell of how much he really did love their baby.

Still…he seemed to change.

Months began to fly by and Ryan was working all the time. Whenever he did visit Scranton was on business. Pam always couldn't wait to hear about how everyone was. She had tried to keep up withy emailing them, but everyone seemed so busy…expect Michael, Who was still asking when he would be able to visit them in New York.

Ryan was working on a new website for company and spent long hours at night in front of his computer working away.

Soon even his looks began to change. He began growing a beard in, and became more fit. He claimed appearance was everything with clients and even slowly had a change of attitude. Pam meanwhile spent her days alone in the apartment fussing over and taking care of Ginger. Most of the time staring out the window at the street below.

Ryan soon began making good money. He took Pam out on romantic dinners, suspired her with jewelry she never dreamed of owning, and always still had that complete look of love in his eyes whenever he stared at her. He insisted Pam buy new things for the apartment. Get herself all new clothes. Re-do Ginger's nursery and not even worry about a budget. Pam meanwhile called her mother every weekend, telling her how weird it was to open her purse and find it a common thing to find hundred dollar bills. As always her mother would joke and tell her she was lucky.

Pam began noticing all she was doing now was either fussing or taking care of Ginger, or sitting in front of the TV. Deciding to look into any art classes, Pam found a few that peeked her interest and brought them up to Ryan. Ryan seemed more then excited for her and told her he would pay for all of them. One Sunday he even took her out shopping for supplies.

So three days out of the week when Ginger was with a nanny, Pam took her art classes. At first she found them scary, and a little too much after seeing mostly collage aged kids hanging around. But after making a few friends Pam slowly began to feel comfortable and slipped into habit.

So Pam's weeks began getting busy. If she wasn't taking her art classes, or attending events with Ryan for the company, she was with Ginger. One of her favorite things was taking her out in her stroller at the park.

Soon shopping, and the whole buzz of the city became second nature.

Ryan now seemed so sleek and successful. He was making good money and seemed at the top of his game. Also, he never seemed more in love with Pam. Every night they would make love until Pam was afraid she would cry out so loudly she would wake the baby. Laying against his bare chest, grasping for air Pam would stare at them and wonder why still…under all this change and success…she was still so unhappy?

A week before Ginger's first birthday Ryan came home in a horrible mood.

Lifting Ginger out of the playpen, Ryan began to pace back and forth before Pam, who was sketching in the other room noticed.

Right away she knew something was wrong. He was home early, and whenever he grabbed for Ginger right away to make him feel better, something that bothered him. She knew he had also visited the branch today.

"Ryan?"

Looking over Ryan sighed.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing…just that little prick Jim is trying to mess with me and David Wallace!"

"What?"

"Nothing…he's just shooting his mouth off…"

Ryan then kissed the top of Ginger's head before looking over at her.

"Oh, Lucy my assistant said she knows some really good websites for bridal stuff. I told her we were planning on something small…less then thirty people."

Pam gulped. Less then a month ago she was supposed to start planning for the wedding. Both Ryan and Pam agreed they wanted something small. Close friends and family. When Pam asked if they could get married at home, Ryan's brow wrinkled.

"Pam this is home."

Since then she had kept changing the subject whenever Ryan asked about her making plans and also brought up the fact that it was Ginger's first birthday.

It seemed unbelievable a whole year had past.,

"Oh…"

Pam's voice drifted away before Ryan noticed.

"Pam…something wrong?"

"Nothing…it's just been a lot. I have a project due in class and Ginger hasn't been sleeping through again and…"

"Well what have you got planned for the wedding so far?"

Pam just stared at him.

"You have planned something right? I even gave you spending money…get the dress yet?"

Pam looked at her hands, she felt her stomach toss.

"Well…I was thinking…maybe thirty people are too much. Why don't we just go to the justice of the peace and get it done. I mean I've never wanted a big wedding anyways."

"What?"

"Really…I mean it."

Ryan looked at Pam as though she was crazy before smiling.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah…just you me…and Ginger."

Ryan smiled walking closer to her, right away his bad mood was slipping away.

"You really mean that?"

Pam nervously looked at Ryan, not knowing for the first time what to say.

At the end of the day Pam felt sick.

She was now in a white sundress and heels. Pam was in one of his suits with the shirt slightly unbuttoned. Jenny and Paul from Ryan's work was laughing and walking behind them as Pam held Ginger who was also in one of her best sundresses.

They had just let the Justice Of The Peace.

Jenny and Paul clapped.

"Drinks at The Gem!"

Ryan grinned before slipping his arm around Pam's waist and drawing her in close.

"How does that sound Mrs. Howard?"

Pam clutched onto Ginger tighter, she had no idea what was happening. Just a few hours ago she was standing in her apartment with Ryan. Now she was married.

Married.

She couldn't remember anything, all she felt was sickness.

Ryan slipped his arm tighter around her before kissing the side of her cheek and then Ginger's. Looking down at her ring, Pam remembered the vows she had taken.

"Till death do us part."

Flashes of Halloween night came again.

She wished her mother was here…why hadn't she called her?

Ryan began kissing her again as Pam felt completely helpless.

"Oh dear Jesus I'm married! I married Ryan…Jim help me!"

But Jim wasn't there. Only Ryan…her husband.


	14. Chapter 14

**One year later **

Pam quickly checked herself in the bathroom mirror before heading to the bedroom and giving it a once over. Leaning over the bed, she flattered the freshly washed sheets smooth and then stood back with her hands on her hips. Feeling slightly uneasy, she felt her heart race.

Glancing at the clock radio on the nightstand, Pam went down the hall and poked her head into Ginger's room. The baby was taking her afternoon nap and slept underneath her mobile of dancing lambs and cows. Shutting the door, Pam made her way into the living room and sat herself down on the sofa.

Opening her sketch book, she grabbed one of her charcoals and began working again. Scattered on the coffee table were also some of Ryan's old business books that Pam had began flipping through.

Just then the door opened and Ryan walked in, his leather briefcase under one arm. Ryan's 5'o clock shadow seemed ten times deeper now and his eyes looked completely exhausted. Pam looked up and forced a smile.

"Hi honey."

Ryan walked in, putting his briefcase down.

"Hey babe, what's going on?"

"Oh nothing, Gladys just left and Ginger is taking her nap."

Gladys was the housekeeper they had hired a few months ago after Ryan got a pay increase and they moved to an even bigger apartment up town. The statement of Gladys just leaving of course of a complete lie. Gladys had finished up nearly two hours ago.

Ryan walked over, cracking his back before sitting beside her on the sofa. Sighing, Ryan tilted his head back and sighed.

Pam set down her sketchpad.

"Long morning?"

Ryan rubbed the sides of his face.

"Awful…this stupid website is going to be the death of me."

Pam tried to smile as she curled up and moved closer to him.

"Hey, it's all right…"

Slowly she began rubbing his chest through his open shirt. Looking over at Pam, Ryan smiled before glancing down at the sketchpad.

"Wow…this new?"

Ryan held it up, as Pam rested her head on his shoulder.

"Just something I'm messing around with. I still need to call up that school and see if there's doing spring semesters part time."

Ryan studied the sketch before smiling.

"It think it's wonderful."

"Well you're sweet."

Smiling, Ryan kissed Pam.

"I'm still not sure though…"

"About what?"

"About art school…I mean it's a lot of money…"

"We can afford it."

"I know but he time away from Ginger and everything…anyways I've been looking at some of you're old business books…"

Ryan leaned over looking the books over.

"Get those out of the closet?"

"Yeah…I really find a lot of this stuff interesting…maybe…well I don't know…maybe it could be something to look into."

"You wanna go to business school?"

"Well…maybe, I don't know yet."

Ryan touched the side of Pam's face and smiled.

"If that's what you want…I'll be more then happy to help you. I mean…you have the brains…more then me."

"Don't say that…"

"It's the truth…hey maybe you could get into something cool that deals with both. Like some field dealing with art sales or something?"

"Yeah that would be awesome."

Just then the sounds of Ginger waking up filled the air. Ryan smiled.

"I'll get her, been thinking about her all morning."

Getting up, Pam watched Ryan go down the hall. Sighing, Pam breathed a sigh of relief.

In Ginger's room, Ryan picked Ginger up who right away giggled as he blew a strawberry on her belly.

"How's my princess?"

The baby laughed tugging on his hair as he carried her into his bedroom, just two doors down. Walking in, Ryan went to check his email messages quickly before his lunch was over. Switching Ginger in his arms, he walked over and froze for a moment.

Pam's wedding ring sat on the nightstand.

Raising an eyebrow, Ryan stopped for a moment and said nothing. The ring was something he had really splurged on. A diamond in which Pam often joked weighed the same amount as a golf ball. Still, Ryan felt proud whenever he saw her wearing it. Somehow that made him feel better…showed his success and how he was able to give his wife the best.

Still…why did she have it there?

Ryan looked down at his left hand and saw his white gold wedding band. Something in which he never took off. Shrugging, Ryan went to the desk near the window and sat down as Ginger started playing with his loosened tie. Clicking the laptop, right away the screen lit up.

Ryan stopped.

This was Pam's email account, she hadn't logged out.

There were emails.

.

Tons of them from that address.

Ryan knew that address.

It was Jim's.

As Ginger attempted to put Ryan's tie in her mouth, Ryan glanced at the doorway and heard Pam down the hall in the kitchen. Feeling his stomach turn, he clicked on one of the messages and froze.

Pam,

Last night was wonderful. I think I'm getting more then enough gas mileage driving up here three times a week. When is Ryan's next big meeting? Can't stop thinking about you.

Jim.

Ryan felt as though his whole world was spinning. Within seconds every fear he ever had came true. Sitting there in almost a trance he opened five more. Reading each one he learned that Jim had broken it off with Karen long ago and was sleeping with Pam.

Ryan made a fist with his free hand so tight that his fingernails dug right into his palm. Taking a second, he thought of a million things.

This entire thing had been a lie.

She still loved him. After everything…

Ryan felt sick, holding onto Ginger he slowly got up and wanted to hurt Pam more then anything now. He hated her…and hated knowing she had done this to him.

Going to the kitchen, Ryan stopped in the doorway watching her. His eyes blank as he held their baby in his arms.

Finally Pam turned, smiling.

"I'm making some lunch you want some?"

Ryan said nothing. Pam looked at him and nervously smiled again.

"What is it?"

Ryan looked at Ginger who rested her head against his chest and then looked back at Pam.

"Pam…I think business school is a great idea. But I think it should wait."

"What?"

Pam looked confused. 

Ryan took a step closer, he knew he had her right where he wanted her.

"I think we should try for another baby."

"What!?"

"Another baby…I think it would be smart…then Ginger wouldn't be that much older."

"Ryan what are you talking about?!"

"Another baby…I know we haven't talked about it…but since we're go good with Ginger…"

"Ginger isn't even two Ryan! I'm still trying to get my life together! Jesus where is this coming from?!"

Ryan glared at Pam before his cell went off. Grabbing it with his free hand he answered and it was the office. He left minutes later. Still shaken by his comment, Pam went back to the bedroom to find the computer off and didn't think anything of it. Spotting her wedding ring she nearly died. Quickly putting it on, he prayed Ryan didn't see it laying there. Going back out the fix Ginger's lunch, she thought about the amazing morning Jim and her had spent together and then felt suddenly awful.

For the last couple of months…somehow…she had been lying and sneaking behind her husband's back. Thinking of how Jim kissed her underneath the sheets, Pam felt goosebumps and took a second leaning against the counter.

What had she done?

That night Ryan came home late and seemed extra tried. Once Ginger was in bed Pam came into the bedroom dressed in a short silk nightgown and was brushing her hair. Ryan meanwhile sat shirtless up in bed reading.

"Ryan?"

Ryan looked up.

"Yeah?"

"You okay?"

"I'm fine…"

Pam bit the bottom of her lip.

He knows.

She thought suddenly and quickly pushed that thought away. Jim and her had been careful…extra careful. Standing there, she had no idea what she was doing. Ryan was Ginger's father. Ryan had been the one who had supported her and was so kind and understanding.

Ryan had always been there for her.

Ryan was her husband.

Still, as much as she loved him for all those reasons…she still found herself sleeping with Jim.

Crawling into bed, Pam knew soon she would have to face this and finally do something about it. As unhappy as she was with this wonderful lifestyle…and as trapped as she seemed…she still had strong feelings for Ryan and had to find a stop to this no matter how hard the choice was.

Nuzzling against his neck, he hoped he wasn't mad at her snapping earlier. Ryan closed the book and looked at her as she began kissing up his shoulder.

Just then Ginger began to cry. Pam laughed looking up at Ryan.

"Hold on a second…"

Slipping out of bed, Pam went down the hall. Ryan then got up and went to the master bathroom and locked the door behind him.

Going into one of the draws, Ryan took out Pam's diaphragm and stared down at it. Reaching into another draw he took Pam's tweezers and poked at least fifteen tiny little holes in it. His face crumpling as he did so, he felt his heart break.

That bitch…how could that bitch do this to him?

He decided that he would trap her and finally win over Jim. He would wait and make her life a living hell and then finally leave her.

Closing the case, Ryan then went into the back of his own draw and took out something.

Something he had been trying on the side for the last month or so. Taking out a tiny mirror, he began making lines. Fighting back tears, he remembered that Halloween night and wished it never happened. 


	15. Chapter 15

_**Six months later**_

"_Leave him."_

_Pam was suddenly caught off guard, sitting in the small coffee shop near Times Square. She had made some excuse with Ginger's nanny that she had some shopping to do and left Ginger while she was taking her afternoon nap after she received another email from Jim telling her he had just got in. _

"_What?"_

_Pam had been slowly twirling her spoon in the large red mug she had in front of her. Jim leaned forward, his eyes serious._

"_Leave him, you're not happy."_

_Pam made a small snort before sitting back and bit and putting both of her hands on her perfectly round and growing pregnant stomach. _

"_Yeah sure, that will be real easy."_

"_Why didn't you get an abortion if you didn't want it?"_

_Pam gave Jim a disgusted look before sipping her coffee._

"_Jesus Jim…"_

"_I was just saying. I mean you told me yourself you didn't want to have a baby…and so soon after Ginger? I mean you didn't plan this?"_

"_No Jim I didn't but it still happened, that tends to be my luck now."_

"_Don't get upset Pam, I'm just trying to tell you the truth."_

"_I've heard enough of that lately thank-you."_

"_Then why are you still here? You told me yourself you've tried. Been trying since you got pregnant the first time. Been trying to adjust to city life and Ryan…being married, the whole ten yards…why keep pretending everything is okay?"_

"_I know everything isn't okay? Don't act like I'm dumb!"_

_Pam snapped. Jim took a deep breath, looking across at her from the table._

"_Why did you marry him?"_

_Pam's eyes dropped._

"_Because…I thought we could make it work. He meant so well…and after Ginger was born it seemed right…"_

"_You said he's changed."_

_Pam sighed._

"_A lot…I think he knows."_

"_Really?"_

_Pam slowly nodded._

"_I'm not entirely sure but it seems like that. He's always moody around me, avoids even looking me in the eye. He's always working, and he's out almost every night…you should see him when he walks through the door, completely washed out. The only thing he seems to care about is Ginger…and the baby…"_

_Pam stared at her stomach._

"_We found out it's a boy the other day…that's the first time I've seen him smile in months, he looks horrible."_

"_Then why not stop all this lying, it's totally clear you're both unhappy. We'll tell Ryan together…everything. We'll work something out…"_

"_I can't do that…Ginger…the baby…"_

"_Think about yourself for once Pam, please."_

_Pam thought back at the threat Ryan had made about Ginger months ago. Gulping, Pam slowly shook her head._

"_I just need more time."_

_Sighing, Jim sat back and shook his head._

_When Pam came home an hour later, throwing down her keys and working her jacket off Ryan was waiting for her. He sat in the living room, Ginger fast asleep beside him on the sofa. He gently stroked her hair and looked up at Pam with tried bloodshot eyes._

"_Where have you been?"_

_Pam almost jumped. Nervously laughing she clutched her chest._

"_You scared me!"_

_Ryan just stared at her before Pam crossed the room._

"_Did Gladys leave?"_

"_About a half an hour ago."_

"_What are you doing home so early?"_

"_Took the rest of the day off…working on the website."_

"_Oh…"_

_Ryan sniffled, he looked like a zombie._

"_So…where were you?"_

_Pam hoped they would avoid the question. _

"_Ummm, I went shopping downtown."_

"_I thought I told you it isn't a good idea to go out alone."_

_It was Pam's turn now to sound angry._

"_Ryan I'm locked up in this apartment all day! I'm pregnant not in a coma!"_

_Ryan kept staring at her before Pam put her hands on her hips and looked at him. He didn't look like the man she married, or the young temp she felt she had fallen in love with. _

"_Ryan I…"_

_Ryan shook his head._

"_Later, I need to work on the site."_

_Getting up, he carried Ginger to her room not saying a word. Pam meanwhile stood there fighting back tears._

_By nightfall Ginger was fed and put into her crib. Ryan and Pam went to bed early, and Pam couldn't help but notice how many times Ryan kept sniffling and going into the bathroom. In the back of her mind she knew what he was doing, but her heart refused to think it. _

_By eleven, Ryan crawled into bed beside her. Pam laid there in the darkness beside him before moving in closer._

"_Ryan?"_

_Ryan opened his eyes and looked at her._

"_Yeah?"_

"_I'm not happy."_

_Ryan stared at her in the darkness of the bedroom for what seemed like forever. That's when Pam felt her heart begin to race. _

"_Ryan I…"_

_That's when Pam felt something…_

"_Ryan…oh…Ryan!"_

_Pam shot up in bed, clutching her stomach before Ryan sat up quickly and flicked on one of the lights. _

"_What is it?"_

"_Call an ambulance…something is wrong…"_

_Pam snapped her eyes shut as Ginger in the next room began crying. _

_The ambulance arrived ten minutes later. By then a neighbor had agreed to watch Ginger as Ryan rode along with her. By the time they reached the hospital the paramedics said she was going into early labor. As they loaded her out, Ryan stood back in shock. He needed a fix more then anything now, this was too real for him. Too scary. _

"_What? She's only six months!"_

_They rushed her in, while Ryan feeling like a ghost followed behind. Inside, when he tried to go past the swinging doors, a nurse stopped him._

"_Sorry sir, you're not allowed in."_

_Ryan stood back in shock, he had nobody to call. Standing there he bit his bottom lip and waited, praying it was just like before with Ginger. That everything would be okay._

_An hour later the head doctor came out, dressed in scrubs shaking his head. Ryan jumped up right away, nearly knocking the chair over._

"_Mr. Howard?"_

_Ryan quickly nodded._

"_Is she okay?"_

"_You're wife is sedated sir, she seems fine."_

"_And the baby?"_

_The doctor stared at him with a stone set look before shaking his head._

"_I'm sorry sir, the boy came early…it was stillborn."_

_Ryan felt as though he was in a dream. Standing there his heart sank and everything became numb. _

_He was going to kill Pam._

_He was going to kill her for killing his son. _


	16. Chapter 16

Ryan excused himself and hurried into the rest rooms only minutes after hearing that the baby had come early and had been stillborn. Ryan's entire world began to crash down as he stumbled to open the stall and collapse on the cold tile floor. Shaking all over he reached into the side pocket of his sweatpants and took out his wallet. Ryan remembered grabbing this before the paramedics came. Opening it up, his hands shaking he went past his credit cards, his business cards, his hundred dollar bills, and a photo of Ginger and found the small little baggie he had been looking for. Setting it down he carefully took out the broken piece of mirror that was tucked behind his credit cards and began making messy lines. Tears filling his eyes he kept telling himself that the doctors were wrong. That this couldn't of happened. That the second he took a hit everything would go away.

Yes he had gotten Pam pregnant the second time on purpose. But he never meant any of this to happen. Instead of confronting her about Jim he planned once the baby was born he would take his children away and never let Pam see them again. That would be her punishment. Thinking of the last couple of months he felt as though he was walking of thin ice. Things were getting worse with Pam and his career was slowly falling apart. Pressure was everywhere in the city and he no longer felt like himself. The drugs were getting worse and so wasn't the depression. But every time he looked at Ginger, or felt Pam's stomach he knew that everything would end the second his son was born. He would get clean and take them away…making sure Pam would never hurt him again.

"That bitch…"

He mumbled under his breath, crying down as he snorted and sniffled in. Holding his nose he cried before looking around the small empty stall. He was lucky nobody had come in yet. Thinking of what the doctor had said he shook his head.

"No…this isn't happening."

Getting everything together, and quickly stuffing everything in his wallet he stumbled to stand and shuffled over to the bathroom. His eyes were bloodshot but mostly that was from crying. He face was puffy and pale and his bangs hung in his eyes. Pressing his forehead against his reflection he felt his heart ache.

"Please God…please don't let the baby be dead."

But once he came back out the doctor took him to a spare room. There wrapped up in a small blanket was the baby. It was so tiny it looked like a doll.

"It happens a lot with women who had a hard time with their first pregnancy…I'm sure she'll have children again once her body is ready."

Ryan just stood there, staring at the table with blank and empty eyes.

"Did…he…was he awake at all?"

The doctor shook his head.

"The baby was all ready dead when we took it, I'm so sorry Mr. Howard. Would you like some time alone?"

Ryan couldn't believe how tiny the baby looked, it seemed swallowed in the white blanket it was bundled up in. Knowing he would go crazy if he was left alone for even a second Ryan shook his head, a silent tear rolling down his face.

"No…I'm fine."

Walking over, almost in a trance Ryan looked down at the baby and felt his heart drop. His son…his son was dead. Sniffling in, Ryan reached down and gently touched it's tiny little face. Feeling sick to his stomach he turned away quickly and wiped his eyes.

"Can I see my wife?"

"Of course."

A few minutes later Ryan was lead to her. The doctor said he would give them some time alone and excused himself. Standing in the darkened hospital room, the city glowing outside the large glass window Ryan felt furious. Shuffling over, Ryan looked at Pam's sleeping face. She looked exhausted. At least two different monitors were hooked up to her. Sitting on the edge of the bed Ryan made a tight fist and fought back everything from putting his hands around her neck and choking her.

Thinking of that snowy overcast morning so long ago in which Ryan and her had left the clinic and came back to his condo, Ryan remembered falling sleep beside her, feeling so odd and out of place.

That's when he knew.

He couldn't do this any longer. He would make her pay…but no this way. Standing up, Ryan rubbed his beard and stared down at her. Her wedding ring sparkled under the small dim light above her.

Leaving an hour later, the doctors said she wouldn't be awake until late the next morning. Going back home, Ryan took Ginger and explained to the neighbors what happened. Mrs. Rose, a kind older woman gasped and made the sign of the cross.

"That's horrible! Oh I'm so sorry Ryan! So Sorry!"

Ryan took Ginger came into the apartment, holding her tight as she slept against his shoulder. That's when he called up Gladys and explained everything and asked her to come over right away. Gladys came twenty minuets later with tears in her eyes before scooping up Ginger and putting her in her own crib. While she did this Ryan flushed the rest of his stash and called someone he never thought he would call.

His mother.

"Hello?"

A sleepy voice answered.

Ryan held the phone tightly.

"Mom?"

His voice choked.

"Ryan? Is that you?"

Her voice sounded more awake now.

Ryan closed his eyes, his head was pounding and he wanted another fix more then anything right now.

"Mom…I'm in trouble…I need help."


	17. Chapter 17

Two hours later Ryan avoided calling Pam's parents and nervously waited in his apartment while Gladys fed Ginger her breakfast. Sitting at the kitchen table Ryan felt completely numb. Staring at his hands which were slightly twitching, he looked at his wedding band and felt completely alone.

That's when a knock came to the front door. Gladys answered it while a very sleepy looking Ginger played with the apple sauce she was having at her high-chair. When Gladys walked in, Ryan's mother followed. Ryan looked up and saw the utter disappointment in her eyes.

"Oh Ryan, what mess have you gotten yourself into?"

An hour later Ryan had come completely clean. Sitting in the living room with his mother as she sipped tea he explained everything and what had happened just hours ago at the hospital. Ginger was in the other room with Gladys playing with her. Ryan noticed that his mother hadn't even spared a glance at Ginger or acknowledged that was her grandchild. Instead she simply sat there with her hard eyes listening. Once Ryan finished, admitting his drug habit and showing her the emails Jim had been sending Pam he sat back and looked at her.

"What do I do?"

"How long have you been using?"

"A little over a year…everything is falling apart, I think the company is trying to get rid of me."

"Doesn't surprise me."

Ryan looked down at his hands and said nothing before she cleared his throat and set down the tea cup.

"This life, it's all smoke and lights…it's pretend Ryan, a pretend fake fairytale I knew you were living the second you brought that girl home the first time."

Ryan lowered his head, his chest hitching.

"I…loved…her…"

"Yes well I think it's clear she doesn't love you. Now first this is first…it's going to look very odd that you didn't call her family right away. I'll take care of that, make up some lie about you being in shock and resting. Now I don't want you to confront her about anything…if you do that now any chance you have of holding onto your daughter is gone."

"But…"

"Listen to me Ryan, for once listen to me."

Ryan nodded as she went on.

"No court room in American would grant you full custody with how you are now. You need to get clean…no matter how hard that is."

"That's easier said then done mom…"

"Then kiss your daughter goodbye and have that man in the office she's sleeping with become her father, do you want that?"

Ryan shook his head. Just the thought of Jim raising Ginger made him see black.

"There's no need to dwell on the past. This baby died because it was a sign Ryan that it's over between you two. I say play the part of the loving husband for the first few weeks while getting clean. It won't be hard but I'll be staying here until you break the news."

"What?"

"You got yourself into this mess Ryan and I'm trying to help you. I'll stay in your guestroom for say two maybe three weeks. Help around the apartment and with the baby…pretend I'm the caring mother in law…also it won't be so easy for her to contact this Jim fellow with me breathing down her neck. I won't lie Ryan that you most likely will have to leave your job…but that's just something your going to have to give up. Once your clean enough we'll sit down together with her and confront her with these emails. We'll make copies and by then we would of all ready contacted my lawyer…it's going to be tough, most of all with her parents but once your clean everything will be set."

This all seemed too much for Ryan, his head ached.

"Do you think it will work?"

"Of course it will, until then you just need to pretend, like you've been for the past few years. It's going to be tough, most of all when you're getting clean…but after that you'll have your daughter and you'll leave that bitch."

In the next room Ryan heard Ginger giggling and his heart sank.

"Mom…I never wanted anything to happen to the baby…"

"Yes well the baby is dead, your daughter isn't. Think about her."

Ryan looked up at her and understood.

An hour later Ryan's mother was making phone calls and Ryan left Gladys with Ginger. Going to the hospital re-dressed and partly in a daze he wanted a fix more then anything at this moment. His head throbbing he went up to Pam's room and sat by her until she woke up nearly three hours later.

Still half asleep her eyes fluttered open and she stared up at him, her throat cracked and dry.

"Ryan?"

Ryan remembered what his mother said, pretend. He held her hand saying nothing. Pam then looked around, sunlight coming in through the window.

"What happened? Where am I?"

Her eyes opened and closed.

"Your in the hospital."

Pam looked up at him, her eyes scared.

"The baby?"

Ryan just stared at her, he wanted to kill her.

"It's gone Pam."

Pam just laid there, speechless.

"What?"

"It came early…I'm sorry."

Pam's eyes filled with tears and right away Ryan knew she just like him was pretending.

"No…"

Ryan leaned down, gathering her up in his arms and holding her as she cried against his shoulder.

"Shhhh, it's all right…"

Ryan's eyes filled with hate as he held her.


	18. Chapter 18

**One month later. **

**Ryan's mother had been staying at the apartment ever since that early morning he called her up completely desperate and hitting rock bottom. Pam's parents arrived that same exact day and spent a good portion of the day at the apartment, getting to know Ryan's mother and fussing over Ginger. Ryan's mother played it perfectly cool. She explained she had been going through a very though period in her life and that she regretted not being able to be a big in her son's life for so long. That she missed all ready so much with her granddaughter and wanted to build a better relationship with Pam, most of all after what happened. **

**Pam's mother took a taxi to the hospital and stayed with Pam for most of the afternoon. Holding her hand and listening to her cry. Ryan meanwhile sat back completely dazed, she suspected shock. Once he left to go speak with the doctor Pam wiped her eyes and looked at her mother. **

"**Am I bad person?"**

"**What?"**

**Pam looked down at herself, laying in the hospital bed and feeling sore. **

"**I didn't want it."**

"**The baby?"**

**Pam shook her head before another tear rolled down her face. **

"**I kept pretending that I wanted it but I didn't! Now it's gone and Ryan can't even look me in the eye!"**

**Pam's mother leaned over, comforting her daughter.**

"**Shhhh, it's all right honey, things like this happen. It isn't anyone's fault."**

**But deep down inside, Pam felt horrible. She remembered the exact moment she took the pregnancy test and gasped. She had been so careful. Then for a brief second she hoped it might be Jims, by some strange accident. But sitting here now in the hospital she knew it was Ryan's and that the baby was gone, and so wasn't any real reason for her to keep lying to herself. She remembered thinking she had to make this work. That she made her choice and that Ryan was the father of her daughter. When she got preprint again she thought it was a sign to make her stop this sneaking around. To see how lucky she was and that this was her life now. But laying there, feeling exhausted and sore she wished more then anything she could remember what happened. She blacked out and the next thing she knew Ryan was telling her the baby was gone.**

**Before nightfall, the doctors informed Pam she could go home by tomorrow if she stayed on strict bed rest. Pam's mother went back to the apartment as Pam laid there feeling numb and slightly out of sorts. For the last few months she kept trying to wake up to the reality that this baby was real, just like Ginger and that Ryan and her were going to have it. Now any image of a son had faded. For a brief second she wondered if Jim was worried. Usually she emailed him everyday. Would he know something was wrong? Hating herself for even thinking that Ryan walked into her room, even more distant then before. Pam wondered if her suspicions were true. Was Ryan in over his head? Coming in, he sat down in the plastic chair beside her and shot her a look.**

"**You're sure you don't wanna hold him?"**

**Pam felt depressed and slowly shook her head. All she wanted right now was to sleep and block things out.**

**Ryan sighed, looking down at the floor.**

"**The doctors took him away…we needed to name him so I used Jasper."**

"**Jasper Howard, that's pretty."**

**Ryan said nothing, he simply kept looking at the floor. Pam cleared her throat, scared that he might break down crying.**

"**Ryan…I'm so sorry…I knew you wanted a son so much…"**

**Ryan looked at her, his big blue eyes wide.**

"**Didn't you?"**

"**What?"**

**Pam felt caught off guard.**

"**Didn't you want the baby? I mean for the last couple of months you seemed annoyed anytime I brought it up. I mean you seemed angry whenever you felt sick, rolled your eyes whenever I tried touching you…didn't you want him?"**

"**Of course I did Ryan…"**

**Ryan's cell then went off, making Pam bite down on her lip.**

**Ryan took it out and sighed.**

"**It's my mom…she's putting Ginger down for the night."**

"**That was really nice of her to come down, most of all with our history…"**

**Ryan looked up at her, his eyes angry.**

"**She's my mother Pam, not some kind of monster."**

**Before she could say anything he left her. Pam laid there knowing something was wrong.**

**Pam was released the next day and met the woman who had drove her to tears when she was pregnant with Ginger one winter night. Now she seemed like a very lovely woman who had set eyes. She hugged Pam, saying how sorry she was and how she was going to stay and help out with anything. Pam felt slightly uneasy but welcomed it. **

**But things seemed worse when her parents left a day later. **

**Pam was on bed rest and Ryan took the rest of the week off. He let her have the bed to herself and slept on the couch. Ryan's mother brought in her meals and helped her around. She barely saw Ginger and felt more then alone laying there in the big bedroom all alone. She wanted to talk with Ryan so badly now yet couldn't find the strength. Days past and Ryan's mother helped out with everything. Gladys came every day as usual and helped with Ginger, who Pam seemed better whenever one of them brought her in. She laid in bed with Ginger, touching her little hands and feeling her heart sink. She loved her daughter more then anything and knew as much as she regretted the pregnancy…she would of loved her son just as well.**

**Ryan's mother cleaned up the apartment and took Ginger out to the park. Pam slept most days, taking medication that the doctor gave and tried to regain her strength. She used her laptop as an escape and emailed Jim telling him everything. He messaged back right away telling her he wanted to come, but she said no. She needed time alone right now to think. So days past, and she began feeling as though she was being locked up. She had too much time to just lay there and think. Most nights she found herself crying herself to sleep. One night she woke Ryan's mother who appeared in her bathrobe.**

"**Everything okay sweetheart?"**

**Pam still found this odd, Ryan's mother seemed far too much of a stranger.**

"**Ryan…could you get him please."**

**Pam noticed it was a little after two.**

"**He's fast asleep on the couch, long day at work and hasn't been feeling very well."**

"**Could you wake him anyways?"**

**Ryan's mother shot her a look.**

"**Pam dear, he needs his rest…like you he's been through a lot. Today he spread the baby's ashes…did you know that?"**

**Pam was speechless. Since it happened nearly two weeks ago Ryan and her had barley even talked. He was always working and came home late. They saw each other for a few minutes and then he would leave her alone in the room. His eyes always angry and hurt. **

"**What?"**

**Ryan's mother nodded. **

"**He made the arrangements and didn't want to bother you with them since you were resting…he scattered them in Central Park."**

**Pam couldn't believe he would do it without her.**

"**He did what?"**

"**Pam, I think he was trying to spare you. I mean…your poor body has been through so much."**

"**The doctor said I've had more then enough rest now, in fact I want to start getting up and moving around…"**

"**We'll talk about this tomorrow, get some sleep dear."**

"**But…"**

**Before she could say anything Ryan's mother shut the door. Sitting up in bed Pam's heart sank. Looking around the darkness of the bedroom she saw the dim glow of the skyscrapers outside. Eyeing her laptop that was charging on her desk she sighed. It seemed to be her only contact and she wanted Jim right now more then anything. She also wanted Ryan's mother out…she was giving her the creeps. Waiting a half an hour later she slowly got out of bed and shuffled across the plush white carpet and out to the hall. She saw the guest room's door was closed. Glancing in at the nursery she saw Ginger was fast asleep. Sighing she rubbed her arms. She wanted to hold her. Instead she walked into the dark living room and found Ryan.**

**He was wearing a T-shirt and sweats, he laid on the sofa past out. His cell phone on the table beside him. His face looked as though he was dreaming and his beard was coming in fuller now. Feeling her heart ache, Pam went over to him very slowly, making sure not to wake him. Gently kneeling down she stared at him and reached over and brushed some of his dark hair away from his face. He looked so different now. Feeling tears come in her eyes, she wished more then anything she couldn't be like this. That she let her heart love Ryan as much as she wanted to. Instead she saw a man who had done everything for her and had given her that beautiful baby in the next room. Thinking of the baby she lost and never saw, she fought back tears.**

"**Jasper…"**

**She whispered. Taking one of Ryan's hands, she gently kissed it before putting it against her face. Somehow that felt much better.**

"**I'm so sorry Ryan."**

**She said before getting up. Once she was back in her bedroom Ryan opened his eyes and felt a tear of his own roll down his face. **

**The next two weeks went by very quickly. Pam was up and going now and after a visit to the doctor she seemed perfectly fine. A little over tried and stressed but fine. Hoping she could find a chance to talk with Ryan, she tried to keep herself busy and away from his mother as much as possible. **

**Gladys kept coming over and she found excuses to take Ginger out. The two went to lunch together and took Ginger shopping. While they were together they both talked about how creepy Ryan's mother made them feel and how they both didn't trust her. Gladys one day brought up a good point. **

"**When is she leaving?"**

**Ryan meanwhile was working all the time. Pam suspected it was because he was trying to thrown himself into it and forget about the pain. Anything he had bought for the baby was now gone and Pam knew more then likely he had thrown everything out, even the sonogram photos. **

**Pam hated the apartment now since Ryan's mother was always there. Cleaning and breathing down her neck with those cold eyes of hers. Pam hated talking to her and felt weird whenever she was around. **

**Emailing Jim twice a day she told him it was too hard to meet up with him with Ryan's mother around. But that she did miss him and was working on getting her out as soon as she could. Jim's messages were always worried and very sweet. Yet each time she read them she felt awful. **

**When she did see Ryan he was exhausted and seemed to be getting over a pretty bad flu in which he made the excuse to stay away from her. Whenever he was at the apartment he was fussing over Ginger, which was the only time he did seem truly happy or talking with his mother. **

**Each night he came to bed late and seemed to pass out within minutes. When Pam woke up he was all ready gone for work and was always welcomed to breakfast by Ryan's mother. **

**Finally one night Pam caught Ryan when he got into bed and shook his shoulder. Ryan turned his eyes annoyed. **

"**What?"**

"**Ryan, we haven't spoken more then twenty words to each other in weeks…are you okay?"**

"**I'm fine Pam I'm just tried."**

"**You've been working too much."**

"**Yeah…maybe, it's been a lot lately."**

"**You should take a break, most of all after what happened…you're running yourself down."**

"**That's easy to say Pam but I have a lot of work to get done."**

"**I'm sure everyone would understand…take some time off, just you me and Ginger."**

**Ryan just stared at her.**

"**Is there something you wanted to say Pam?"**

**Pam looked across at him in the same bed they had been sleeping in for what seemed like years. The same bed they once used to make love in and hold each other in. The same bed their dead son was made in. **

**Pam gulped before moving closer.**

"**You're mad at be aren't you?"**

"**What?"**

"**Because of the baby…"**

"**Pam don't…"**

"**You haven't even kissed me. I know something is bothering you."**

"**Pam like I said it's just been a lot…I'm hurting, and I'm sure you are too. Just let me get some sleep."**

"**Ryan something is wrong. Please…"**

**Ryan moved away from her touch as Pam sighed.**

"**Maybe once your mother leaves we can finally talk…just the two of us."**

"**Pam go to bed, it's late."**

**Pam fought back tears before she reached over.**

"**Talk to me Ryan…"**

"**Goodnight Pam."**

**Ryan then turned over, his back facing her. Pam laid there, crying and Ryan didn't even turn. They stayed like that until morning.**

**This was the same morning Pam woke up and her life yet again was never the same. She found Ryan's side neatly made and voices coming from the other room. Getting up, Pam put her contacts in before putting on her robe and going out into the hallway. All ready she was getting ready for Ryan's mother to glare at her from across the kitchen table.**

**Instead she found Ryan, his mother, and a man wearing a three piece suit sitting in the living room. Pam stopped dead in her tracks, confused and embarrassed. **

"**Oh I'm sorry…"**

"**Pam could you sit down."**

**Pam stopped, looking at Ryan and seeing no help there.**

"**What?"**

**Ryan's mother made a fake smile and repeated herself.**

"**Could you sit down, this is my lawyer Ben Anderson…Ryan and I need to talk with you."**

**Pam stood there. **

"**What's this all about?"**

"**Please Pam, sit down."**

**Pam looked around, confused.**

"**Where's Ginger?"**

"**I had Gladys take her to the park…please sit down."**

**Pam looked and saw Ryan wasn't even looking at her. Slowly she entered the room and sat down. **

"**What's this about?"**

**Ben the lawyer sat forward before handing Pam a set of papers.**

"**You're husband is filing for divorce and is seeking dull custody of your daughter."**


	19. Chapter 19

"**They can't do this can they?"**

**Pam said as tears gushed from her eyes. She was back in Scranton and sat in her parents' kitchen with her mother, father, and Jim. Her eyes were puffy as she clutched onto her mug of tea. Her parents exchanged a look before her mother reached over and gently squeezed her hand. **

"**Pam, the judge said he might come to an agreement within the year of visitation rights. Until then we don't want to make things any worse."**

**It had been nearly six months since Pam shuffled out into the living room of the apartment to find Ryan and his mother sitting with the lawyer. Six months since everything finally shattered and all of this lying and sneaking around caught up with her. These past six months had been complete hell. **

"**But she's my daughter!"**

"**I know Pam, but the judge picked the primary parent."**

"**Primary parent! I'm so sick of hearing that! He was the one who was always working! I was the one stuck in that apartment watching and taking care of her! He was the one snorting coke every night and not coming home until one in the morning!"**

"**Pam, they drug tested him for the course of the trial…he was clean."**

**Pam put her hands to her face and deeply sighed. This was a nightmare she couldn't wake up from.**

**The trial had been horrible, Pam never felt so embarrassed before in her entire life. So many things had been brought up, and sitting there feeling so small and alone and kept looking across at Ryan, neatly dressed in one of his suits and his eyes fixed directly ahead. His mother smartly dressed in a pantsuit, her face ice cold as she whispered things to her lawyer.**

**Pam's parents had hired a fine lawyer, but it seemed as though everything was turned against her. Gladys, Ginger's own nanny and their housekeeper even turned against Pam. She knew more then likely Ryan's mother had paid her off. Gladys stood before the court and informed the judge that she very well knew about Mrs. Howard's affair and how many of times she made Gladys take the baby out whenever she was expecting this boyfriend to come over.**

**Jim sat in the background, not saying a word. He had been there for support since day one. In fact after she called her parents completely sobbing, he was the next one she turned towards. She remembered him holding her and promising that Ryan wouldn't take Ginger away.**

**Tapes were then brought in, Nanny cams that Ryan had bought and placed in the apartment. On several of these tapes it showed Pam welcoming Jim into the apartment before they began undressing like madmen. Once they even made love in the same room as Ginger who was playing in her pen. The judge looked disgusted as Pam sank down in her seat. She couldn't even look at her parents. **

**The next were the copies of the emails. The laptop was under Ryan's account so he had every night to search the messages. Here the judge saw the emails between Jim and Pam and how Pam often commented on how unhappy she was being stuck as a mother in this big city. **

**Pam's lawyer tried his hardest, but in the end it seemed useless. Ryan was drug tested and he came out clean. He even told the judge that he was planning on working at home full time now and being there for his daughter. In the end the judge granted Ryan full custody and informed Pam that within the year he would call Ryan back and ask him what his plans were if there was any on letting Pam have visitation rights. The second it was over Pam sat there speechless. This couldn't be happening.**

**Pam sat there, her gray eyes big and filled with tears.**

**How did this happen?**

**She watched as Ryan and his mother left. Right before going out the doors his eyes caught hers and quickly looked away. The judge told Pam that she was allowed to call Ginger whenever she pleased, and write…but until he met with Ryan again she would not be allowed to see her. **

**Pam left the courtroom feeling as though she was in a daze. Jim held her tightly as she stood there, her legs numb. She wasn't an addict, she wasn't a bad mother, she loved Ginger…why? Why did Ryan do this?**

**Now here she was, back home and falling apart. Lowering her head Pam began to cry. **

**At that exact moment Ryan sat in his apartment with Ginger sitting across from him on the carpet. She had a stuffed pony and was dragging it by the tail. **

"**Dada look! Look!"**

**Ryan smiled before his mother crossed the room, fixing her purse over her shoulder and heading towards the door. She had made it perfectly clean after she helped she would be going back home. Sighing, he watched her.**

"**Bye mom, thanks again."**

**Ryan's mother turned and stared at him.**

"**Take care of you're daughter Ryan…she's all you have."**

**And with that she left. Sitting there alone, Ryan looked back over at his beautiful daughter and couldn't believe how big she was getting. In a few months she would be three. Just then rain began to pour over the city. Ryan sat there, thinking of all those hits he had taken in the past and how they had all made the pain go away. Looking at his wedding band he knew it was stupid to still wear it. Between everything going on it finally dawned on him that the divorce files were just being sent out. Smiling at his daughter, he opened his arms as she went over to him, laying her tiny head on his chest. Kissing the top of it, Ryan rubbed her back and couldn't believe it.**

**Pam and him were really over. **

**Back at Scranton Pam sat on her bed in her old bedroom. It was raining out and she felt awful. Sitting there, Pam stared at her wedding band. It really belonged to Ryan and she might as well just send it back to him. Shaking her head she felt so alone. She had lost everything…most of all Ginger. **

**Just then there was a soft knock on her door.**

"**Come in."**

**Her cracked and tear filled voice said. That's when Jim appeared, hands in his pockets. **

"**Hey…"**

**Pam tried to smile but couldn't.**

"**Hey."**

"**Can I come in?"**

"**Sure, shut the door behind you."**

**Jim walked in before sitting beside her. Taking her hand he held it and then wiped one of her tears away.**

"**How are you doing?"**

"**Horrible."**

**Pam dryly laughed before shaking her head.**

"**I still can't believe he took her…really shows what kind of screw up I am."**

"**Pam your not a screw up."**

"**Yeah? Well the courts think that? That's when they took her away from me."**

"**Pam…"**

"**What kind of mother looses her own daughter?"**

**Pam lowered her head and struggled with her tears. **

"**I shouldn't of done all those things…I shouldn't of lied…"**

"**You were unhappy Pam."**

"**I know, but why did I hide it? Why did I keep pretending? I have a million excused but none of them are good enough. Ryan treated me good…he loved me."**

"**Pam he changed, you said it yourself. The second he got that job…"**

"**He loved me…and I loved him, but I just couldn't believe this was it. This was my life. I was married and I was a mother. He tried giving me so many chances but I couldn't take them. I had to go fuck everything up…"**

"**Pam he's the bastard. You weren't in love with him anymore and he hurt you in the only way you could be hurt. He didn't deserve you."**

**Pam sat there, looking at her wedding band.**

"**Yeah…or maybe I didn't deserve him."**


	20. Chapter 20

"Dunder Mifflin this is Pam."

Pam listened to the message before eying Jim across the way at his desk. It had been a couple of months now and she was back to her old boring life she so desperately wanted to get back to when she was living in New York. Jim looked up for a second and tried to cheer her up with a smile. Instead Pam looked down and thanked the caller before hanging up.

She returned to work nearly a month after she moved back with her parents. Jim told her Michael wanted to offer her the old job back and Pam felt completely horrified. She was sure the gossip had all ready spread through the entire office. The bitter custody battle, the divorce, the affair…everything. Instead Jim reassured her that nobody knew that much, only that Ryan and her were separated and that he was currently had the baby in the city. Pam felt beyond embarrassed yet knew she needed a job. Returning back it dawned on her Jim's support was nothing like Ryan's, even down to them holding hands. Michael of course welcomed her with a big over the top hug and told her not to sad, Ryan was the hottest in the office and it didn't surprise him he would dump her.

"Michael please."

Jim said as Pam, her cheeks burning red nodded and went to her old desk. Somehow everything came back to her and as she sat down she saw a million eyes looking at her. Through the day she slowly got back into the swing of things and thought she would kept herself busy. Whenever she was home she thought about it to much and went on crying fits. Sitting there, almost everyone came up to her during the day. Almost everyone, even Toby and Kelly had the same thing to say.

"Ryan was a jerk. He changed ever since he got the promotion. He didn't deserve you Pam…I'm glad you're back."

Meredith then asked about Ginger. Pam felt her heart leap and she deeply sighed.

"We're sharing custody, he has her right now."

"That's horrible, you must miss her so much!"

Pam looked back at her computer, trying to control herself through this lie.

"Well I get to talk to her on the phone every night and we're trying to decide something. I mean the daycares and schools are so much better there…"

Meredith looked at Pam closely and then nodded.

"Oh…"

She got the hint.

At lunch Pam sat close to Jim, as Dwight strolled over to the vending machine he eyed them.

"So are you two together now?"

Jim looked up as he ate his lunch.

"Not appropriate Dwight."

Dwight shot them a dirty look before leaving. That's when Michael came in, talking a mile a minute about new ideas he had for the company.

Shortly after when Pam was using the rest room Kelly came over as she washed her hands.

"How are you doing?"

Pam looked over, a little caught off guard.

"I'm fine."

"I am so sorry about what happened. That sucks so bad. Don't worry…he broke my heart to."

Pam feeling as though she was going to die quickly slipped back to her desk and answered calls. Sitting there she eyed the framed photograph she had brought with her of Ginger. Sighing, she gently touched it and wanted more then anything to see her. Sitting here, she knew that within time the same old habits would come back. She would sit here day after day and dream of something big. She knew within time Jim would ask about their relationship and Pam would be unsure. Somehow she felt so guilty about what happened. This was the affair after all that took her daughter away. She knew she would sketch her drawings, knowing that back in New York Ryan was more then willing to pay for art school. She knew any dreams she had were gone. She would dress in her sweaters, sit at her desk, watch Jim and Dwight tease each other as Michael made a complete fool of himself in front of everyone. And this was her life, answering phones and living in this small boring town.

So time past, very slowly.

Ginger was about to turn three.

Ryan had slowly began getting his life back together. He had been working from home and had tried his hardest to stay away from all the drama. He knew everyone had been talking. Instead he tried to get healthy and stay away from it all…most of all the nightlife. He hired a new nanny who could watch Ginger whenever he was out. A nice young woman who seemed really good with Ginger. She had once worked as a teacher and was slowly trying to teach Ginger her numbers.

"The earlier they lean the better."

She said.

She came in usually in the mornings whenever Ryan took a jog around Central Park. She also came twice a week in the afternoons whenever Ryan had a meeting. The whole website thing was going down the tubes, but Ryan was working on a new project and knew within time if he kept clean maybe he could hold onto this career. He had been temped, most of all at night whenever he laid there alone thinking about it. But he kept remembering Ginger. He would die before he let Pam have her.

He tried to keep focusing on his daughter.

He also sometimes went to meetings, he had been only to a couple for addicts and it didn't seem right. But just sitting there listening to other people's problems made him feel not so alone. He loved the city and wanted to raise his daughter here. He would fight everything to give her to life he never had. So he worked twice as hard and spent any free time with her.

She had developed a pretty funny personality and attitude. She had gone through her terrible twos had a really bad time. Ryan knew it must have been hard for her with Pam suddenly gone and two different nannies switching. Even though she was always attached to Ryan, she did go on crying fits for the first few months, screaming at the top of her lungs for her mother. Ryan knew within time once they worked something out this would pass. Sitting on the kitchen floor with her, newspapers covering most of it, Ginger was finger-painting with him. Using her entire hand, Ginger pressed down on the white extra printing paper he had laid down for her and made the four different colors turn gray as she mixed them. Laughing she smeared it and began making shapes. Ryan, dressed in jeans and a messy T-shirt laid there helping her paint. In another week he would start looking at preschools, even though he wanted to wait until she was four.

"Dada look! A dog!"

Ryan leaned over and saw a big gray blob that looked more like a circle with sticks on the bottom of it. Smiling Ryan held up the baby.

"Wow…this is really good!"

Just then the phone rang.

Ryan got up, quickly putting one of his paint covered hands under the sink and wiping it against the pant leg of his jeans. Picking his cell up he flipped it open.

"Hello?"

There was no response on the other line for a moment before he heard her voice.

"Hello Ryan?"

Ryan wanted to snap his cell phone close and ignore her. Instead he took a deep breath.

"What?"

"I know the judge assigned when I can start calling, but I was scared you might take her someplace for her birthday next week and I wouldn't get a chance to talk with her."

Ryan felt very annoyed. This was the first time he had really spoken to her in months.

"The judge said you could call on her birthday Pam."

There was a pause for a second.

"I know…it's just…I…need to hear her voice, please Ryan."

Ryan wanted to call her every name in the book just then. Feeling his blood pressure rise he looked down at Ginger who was still painting.

"I don't want to confuse her Pam."

"Please Ryan, just for a second."

Ryan let out a deep breath before shaking his head.

"Fine, but just for a second."

Before she could say anything he put his cell down to his side and switched it to speaker. Kneeling down he went over to Ginger who kept painting.

"Ginger? Hey Ginger."

Ginger looked up, her big blue eyes sparking.

"What?"

"It's mommy, she wants to say hello."

"Mommy?"

"Yeah say hello."

He held the phone to her. Ginger stared at the cell phone for a second.

"Hello mommy?"

Pam sounded as though she was laughing or crying on the other end.

"Hello baby! I miss you!"

"I miss you too mommy, when are you coming home?"

"I don't know honey, but I'm going to see you real soon okay?"

"Mommy…dada and me are painting, I made a doggy for you."

"You did! Oh what's wonderful!"

"My birthday is next week, you going to get me a toy?"

"Oh I'll get you something very special honey, something your going to love."

"I want a puppy!"

"Oh well…maybe, I have to talk to your daddy before we do that."

"Dada is going to throw me a party and we're going to have cake. Are you coming mommy?"

"Well…I don't know honey, we'll see."

"Dada is going to take me to the park later…you come?"

"Maybe honey, I just wanted to tell you how much I love you."

"I love you too mommy…"

Ginger, who seemed more interested in her paints went back to it. Ryan sighed before standing up and switching the cell back.

"You finished?"

"Yeah…I just wanted to ask…"

Before she could say another word Ryan hung up on her. Looking at his cell Ryan shook his head and put it back on the kitchen table.

A week later Ginger turned three. Most of Ryan's friends from the city were single, but a few of them from the company were married and had kids Ginger's age. Ryan threw a small party in the apartment and had a puppy theme for Ginger who was dressed in a cute little brown and white tutu with paw prints on it. Ryan had learned from Ginger's nanny how to make pig tails and that's how Ginger wore her hair. She ran around the apartment full of energy with the rest of the little kids, laughing and zipping around. At least ten people were there in total, most of them adults. David Wallace was even one of them. The adults stayed in the kitchen or living room, watching the little ones and laughing as they ran around with the noise makers.

"How are you holding up pal?"

David asked. Ryan knew he had been on thin ice with him back when he was on the drugs. Something nobody knew about but he was sure had mentioned. Since getting clean Ryan's work performance had been much better and David had even taken him out to lunch a few weeks ago. Giving him advice and telling him how sorry he was about the miscarriage and the divorce.

"That's a hell of a thing, raising a little one alone."

Ryan remembered nodding in agreement and telling David Ginger was really all he had left.

"I'm good, been happy."

"That's good. Now my wife wanted to let you know anytime you want Ginger to have a play date you just call up. Little Lucy seems to be really taken by her."

Lucy was David's daughter, only a few months older then Ginger.

Before the sunset the cake was brought out and Ryan held Ginger on his lap as they sung to her. As everyone left, Ginger's nanny stayed behind to help clean up the mess and pick up. Ginger sat in the living room, surrounded by wrapping paper and toys. Her favorite had been a stuffed dog that really barked and blinked it's eyes. Ryan promised Ginger in a couple of years he would buy her a real one. But that didn't seem to bother Ginger, she happily played with her toys, still zipped up on sugar.

Ginger's nanny, who's name was Lisa stood in the kitchen cleaning the dishes while Ryan stuffed everything in trash bags. That's when the phone rang again. Rolling his eyes he knew who it would be.

"Hello?"

"Hi…Ryan."

"She's about to go to sleep Pam, she's had a long day."

"I know…but can I talk to her for a second."

Ryan sighed.

"Fine, hold on…make it quick."

He handed Ginger the cell and Ginger talked for a new minutes. Going on and on about the puppy party and how much cake she had had. Pam asked if she got her gift…which had been two big things. One was a tiny set of plastic dogs that had their own houses and fake food, the other was at least three different dresses. Ginger said yes, but she liked the toys better. Pam laughed and they talked a little bit longer before Ryan took the phone.

"She needs to get to bed."

"Okay…thanks Ryan. It meant a lot."

"We have a court learning in another month back here, I'm sure you won't forget."

"I won't…and Ryan."

He snapped the cell phone closed, he hoped this was the last time he would have to talk to the bitch before the next hearing.

Putting Ginger to bed and stacking up all her new toys and gifts, Ryan felt exhausted and thanked Lisa before she left. Relaxing on the couch Ryan couldn't believe it.

He still had on his wedding band.

Sighing, he slipped it off his finger, dryly laughing at how used to it he had became. Tossing it across the room he flicked on the TV and tried to doze off.

At that exact moment, Pam sat at her parents kitchen table with the phone in front of her. Jim sat beside her having coffee. Pam snuffled in and wiped her eyes quickly. She never thought this was where she would be on her daughter's third birthday. Jim slowly put his arm around her and brought her in close before kissing her cheek.

Pam sat there, hating herself and hating Ryan.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Five months later**_

_**It was snowing in New York, and the city for once had a peaceful and glowing feel to it as people went about their last minute shopping and ice skated at Rockefeller plaza. Ryan came through the front door the afternoon of Christmas Eve. He was wearing a heavy black pea coat and struggled to swing the door fully open while carrying at least seven different bags. Lisa, who was in the kitchen laughed watching him before wiping her hands on her apron and walked over.**_

"_**Let me help you."**_

_**Lisa had been a big help to Ryan the last couple of months. She was a married mother of two boys who had just started high school. She had worked as a nanny and housekeeper ever since she had her own children. She now came over four times a week and had been helping out extra as the holiday approached. Ryan got along with her fine and liked the fact Ginger had taken to her so quickly. **_

"_**Thanks."**_

_**Ryan handed her the bags.**_

"_**Mind taking them to my room, I don't want Ginger to see."**_

"_**You're going to spoil that little girl Ryan, you know that right?"**_

_**Ryan smiled as he took his coat off. **_

"_**Yeah, but she's my little princess…how can you say no?"**_

_**Lisa laughed as she hurried down the hallway. Ryan cupped his hands together and blew warm air into them. Outside was freezing and it was beginning to snow again. He was glad to be in the warmth of his home and away from all the madness of the stores. **_

"_**She asleep?"**_

"_**Yeah, took her awhile…she's all excited."**_

_**Lisa called from down the hall. Ryan smiled and went into Ginger's room. Just a month or so before Ginger's third birthday he had moved her out of her crib and now into a small little bed. Peaking in, he saw she was fast asleep and surrounded my her stuffed animals. Smiling he went down the hall just as Lisa was putting the bags down on his bed.**_

"_**Wow got enough wrapping paper?"**_

_**Ryan grinned.**_

"_**I'm hoping I can get it all finished while she's asleep tonight."**_

"_**Please, she'll be sneaking out every five minutes to see if Santa came or not."**_

_**Ryan laughed before looking out his window. The city looked beautiful as the snow slowly dwindled down. **_

"_**So how did the Christmas party go?"**_

_**Corporate had thrown their famous Christmas party yesterday, in which everyone from the New York office got trashed and made complete fools of themselves. Ryan had stopped by for an hour or so and only had a few drinks. He had been making more friends there…friends that weren't into the night life or into the party scene. Just clean healthy guys who enjoyed sports, their families, and work. Ryan had began hanging out with a couple of them after they got out of work. His newest friend Jeff was a thirty something business major who hung out and would shoot some pool with Ryan on Friday nights. Much like him he was divorced, but his wife had gotten the kids…two little boys. **_

_**Ryan had enjoyed the party and got a few laughs, but all the while he stood back remembering all those stupid memories of Michael's parties and really how much fun they were. Remembering the I-pod Ryan had laughed to himself and shook his head.**_

_**Then the memory came back of how Pam and him decided on Christmas eve to keep the their baby…which ended up being Ginger. Ryan remembered sitting in front of the fire and kissing her. Pushing it away Ryan smiled.**_

"_**It went good, had some laughs."**_

"_**What about that girl that seems interested in you…the one that keeps calling here? Jen? Was she there?"**_

_**Jen was a very attractive twenty-four year old who worked at the head offices. Ryan had met her a few times and ever since his divorce to Pam was made final she seemed to be coming around more. Ryan worked full time at the apartment, but stopped by the office a few times a week. Every time he did so she was always there wearing a very revealing blouse and asking him when he would take her out for dinner. Ryan liked to flirt, but thought it was too soon. He didn't have time for dating, he was raising a three year old alone and still trying his hardest to keep clean. Another woman was the last thing he wanted. **_

"_**Yeah she was there…"**_

"_**And?"**_

_**Ryan shrugged. **_

"_**Same old, same."**_

_**Lisa smiled.**_

"_**Well I better get going, my husband wants to take the boys out to dinner. Do you need any help with anything?"**_

_**Ryan waved his hand.**_

"_**No go, have a good night with your family and wish them merry Christmas."**_

_**Lisa smiled as the two of them headed back down the hall.**_

"_**Thanks Ryan, give Ginger a kiss for me."**_

"_**I will, be safe."**_

"_**Merry Christmas Ryan."**_

_**Letting her out, Ryan stood in the apartment all alone. A tiny Christmas tree was beside the sofa. Lisa had decorated it with Ginger a week ago. Sighing, Ryan ran his hand though his hair and sighed. Just then his cell rang, picking up he knew who it would be.**_

"_**Hello?"**_

_**An hour later Ryan opened the door, Pam stood there in a puffy white jacket with fake fur around the hood. Standing there holding two different bags, she looked freezing and half scared. Ryan stood in the doorway and both locked eyes not saying a word.**_

_**The last time they saw each other was last month. The judge had called them back in and really it depended on what Ryan thought was best for his daughter. Ryan remembered how Pam wouldn't even look him in the eye as they discussed things across the table. Finally they came to an agreement. Pam could see Ginger three times out of the year. It was all ready planned that Pam would see her Christmas eve, Easter, and then her birthday. The rest of the holidays were up to Ryan. Pam was allowed to visit Ginger, but until the next meeting with the judge not alone. Ryan would always have to be there. Ryan knew this wasn't what Pam wanted, that three times out of the year wasn't enough…but it was still something. Ryan knew he could of fought it, and maybe even win…but looking at Pam's drained and pathetic face he decided to be that fair. She was still Ginger's mother and even though he never wanted her to see Ginger again, he only wanted what was best for her. So he allowed these three visits. If anytime came up Pam wouldn't get a second chance. These visits would all take place in New York, and he would always be there. He also made it a point not to her never and he meant never to bring Jim. If she did this once he would make sure her custody rights would be taken away. When Pam asked about phone calls, the judge talked it over with Ryan and Pam was told to wait, that they would start with how the visits went and go from there. If Pam bothered Ryan with phone calls, he had every right not to put them through. Ginger was still a baby, and it was up to him who talked to his daughter. **_

_**He knew Pam wasn't happy…but she would have to be. **_

_**She had called him that week, asking what would be a good time. They agreed she would come to the apartment around three and stay a few hours. Over the phone both sounded weird and distant, it was as though two dead people were speaking together without any emotion. Pam called an hour before, telling him how bad the traffic and snow was getting and that she would be a little late. Ryan told her if she came in before five she could forget about it and hung up on her. He didn't care if he was mean or not…he was really doing her the favor. **_

_**Now she stood there, face to face with him.**_

"_**Come in."**_

_**Ryan said dropping his eyes. Turning, he put his back to her and walked in. Pam followed, shutting the door behind her. **_

"_**Is she here?"**_

"_**She'll be getting up from her nap in another few minutes, she kinda had a fever earlier this week."**_

_**Pam walked in, feeling awkward and like a stranger. **_

"_**Oh? Did she see the doctor?"**_

"_**Yeah, he said it's just a bug but she's been really cranky…I'm suspired she slept through her entire nap."**_

"_**She's been fussy?"**_

"_**Yeah…I'm looking into preschools for her this Spring but she's gotten so attached to me it's crazy. She throws traumas whenever I leave the apartment, gives the nanny a hard time."**_

_**Pam listened and felt jealous. Of course Ginger would be attached to Ryan, he was her everything. Pam wouldn't be suspired if Ginger didn't even remember her.**_

_**Ryan walked into the kitchen, not offering her anything or saying another word. Pam set down the bags and looked around.**_

"_**Wow, I like what you've done with the place."**_

_**He didn't say anything. Gulping, Pam sighed before unzipping her coat. She felt horrible. Her nerves had been twisted ever since she rode in. Jim had called her before she walked up and told her there was nothing to be worried about, Ginger was her daughter. **_

_**Ryan came back in, hands in his pockets just as Pam slipped her coat off and laid it on the sofa. Somehow she felt so strange in a place she once called home. **_

"_**I'll wake her up…"**_

_**Ryan mumbled and left the room. Pam stood there shifting her feet and holding back from crying. She hated herself. **_

_**Ginger woke up from her nap still puffy eyed and half asleep. Being carried out by Ryan, Pam almost died, it seemed as though it had been years since she last laid eyes on her. Right away she was shocked at how much she had grown in the last few months. Ginger's hair was a fine red and beautiful. Her eyes were sparking and she had a cute chubby little face. She got carried in by Ryan and Pam couldn't help but feel tears blur her vision for a moment.**_

"_**What have I done?"**_

_**Her mind asked her.**_

_**For the last few months she was back to living the same dull life she had hated so much, each night tossing and turning and asking herself why she did the things she did? Why didn't she just admit to Ryan she was unhappy instead of lying. Looking at Ginger all good memories came back and she felt a comfort she hadn't felt in what seemed like forever.**_

"_**Oh Ginger!"**_

_**She laughed through her tears. Ginger looked at Pam slightly confused before burying her head in Ryan's shirt. Ryan smiled.**_

"_**She's just shy…hey Ginger?"**_

_**Ginger didn't say anything. Ryan looked at Pam as she slowly stepped forward. Ryan hated seeing the look in Pam's eyes, yet he somehow couldn't help but like the fact Ginger was having a hard time with her.**_

"_**Ginger look who it is? It's mommy."**_

_**Ginger still wouldn't look, but Pam didn't seem bothered. Instead she stood there with a big smile on her face. Her hands laced together. **_

"_**That's okay…it's okay honey…let me just look at you."**_

_**Pam stepped forward, her hand gently touching the back of Ginger's hair. Smiling through her tears, Pam looked at her before Ginger slightly turned, her eyes confused and scared. Pam smiled before touching her face.**_

"_**My what a pretty little girl you are."**_

_**Ginger turned her face back into Ryan's shirt. Pam smiled before quickly wiping her eyes. Ryan felt uncomfortable seeing her like this. For the last few months he had thought of nothing but hurting her. Telling the judge he didn't want Pam ever to see their daughter again. Making her hurt, grabbing her, hitting her, making her feel the pain she made him feel. Making him know what it was like to be heartbroken. Instead, he now looked at her and saw how alone she really was.**_

"_**Let me get her something to eat, she'll come around then…"**_

_**Ryan went into the kitchen with Ginger while Pam stood there frozen, tears falling down her face.**_

_**A half an hour later Ginger did come around. She let Pam hold her and let her sit on her lap. Pam gave Ginger the seven different wrapped gifts, one of them from her parents. Ginger unwrapped all of them and played with the boys, enthralled and beyond happy at everything she got. Pam watched, taking photos with her camera and holding her. Ryan watched from across the room as he sipped wine, he hated her yet liked seeing Ginger so happy. Pam kept playing with her hair, brushing it out of her face and kissing her. **_

_**Ginger and her played a game together on the floor and Pam finally brought out a tin of cookies.**_

"_**Can she have some?"**_

"_**Yeah a couple won't hurt her."**_

_**Ryan said coldly as he sat back watching. Pam nodded and gave them to Ginger who made her laugh and showed her how to eat a candy cane. **_

"_**Dada! Play with me and mommy!"**_

_**Ryan and Pam eyed each other before Ryan set his wine glass down and sat on the carpet. Ginger sat between them and showed them her newest toy which was a dress up doll set. Pam kneeled beside her, helping her with all the tiny little dresses and play shoes. Ryan pretended to be interested and smiled whenever Ginger showed her something. Midway through Ryan finally gave in and asked Pam if she wanted some wine. **_

_**Pam looked unsure but said yes. Ryan came back with half a glass and Pam thanked him, quickly not looking him in the eye. For the next hour Ryan and Pam sat on the floor not saying anything as Ginger played with the dress up and babbled on and on about things at didn't make sense. **_

"_**I like her jumper…that new?"**_

_**Pam asked, finally the first thing directed to Ryan in what seemed like an hour.**_

_**Ryan nodded.**_

"_**Yeah, she likes them…puts a lot of wear in them."**_

"_**She's excited for tomorrow."**_

"_**Yeah, that's all she's been talking about…did you see the fridge?"**_

"_**No why?"**_

_**Pam asked smiling.**_

"_**She's drawn a bunch of scribbles, I think their supposed to be Christmas trees and Santa or something."**_

_**Pam laughed as Ginger kept playing before them. After that the two of them helped set a plate of cookies and a glass of milk out, explaining it was for Santa. An hour later Ryan had allowed Pam to help put Ginger to bed. Dressing her in her one piece night suit, the two of them tucked her in, before they even left the room Ginger had nodded off, clutching her stuffed dog. Pam watched her for a few minutes before closing the door, her heart sinking. **_

_**She wouldn't see her again for months, she wouldn't get to see her face when she woke up tomorrow. Instead she would be back home, waking up beside Jim and having coffee with her parents. Sighing she walked back out as Ryan was cleaning up. **_

"_**Want a cookie?"**_

_**Pam snapped out of her thoughts as Ryan threw the wrapping paper away.**_

"_**Huh?"**_

"_**The cookies, want a few bites so she'll think he was here."**_

_**Pam smiled.**_

"_**Oh yeah…"**_

_**Pam went over and took two bites out of the cookies before sipping the milk. Setting down the glass she looked out the window and saw it was still snowing.**_

"_**Wow it's beautiful out there."**_

"_**Yeah it sure is."**_

_**Pam sighed and saw the clock, it was time to go…also she felt award here. **_

"_**Well I better get going."**_

_**Pam went over to the sofa to get her purse and coat.**_

"_**You park in the garage?"**_

"_**Yeah."**_

_**Ryan walked back over, his hands on his hips.**_

"_**Listen…the traffic is going to be horrible, you should wait a little while before it clears out."**_

_**Pam shrugged.**_

"_**I don't think it will be too bad with the snow."**_

"_**Well…you should still wait, I mean…I'm going to be wrapping Ginger's gifts and I would put money down the highway is going to clear before ten, if not you're spending the holiday stuck at the turnpike."**_

_**Pam laughed, something about Ryan's voice didn't seem so hard, so horrible. **_

"_**Okay…need some help?"**_

_**So the two of them sat beside by side on the sofa with all the rolls of wrapping paper and tape in front of them. Piles of Ginger's gifts were around them as they worked not saying a word. The lights of the Christmas tree glowed as the two of them silently drank their wine and kept wrapping. Pam would say a few things about the gifts, saying how neat they were and where Ryan found them? She knew Ryan was all ready spoiling her and couldn't help but smile that Ginger would more then likely be a daddy's girl. Ryan said little to nothing and kept wrapping. Once he asked how the Christmas party went and Pam made a face saying that Andy, Kevin. Dwight, and Creed all began playing Christmas songs while Meredith tried to dance topless in front of everyone. This brought a smile to Ryan's face, which was something she never thought she would see again.**_

_**Before ten everything was wrapped and put under the tree. Pam and Ryan cleaned up not saying a word.**_

"_**Wow she's going to go nuts."**_

_**Ryan threw out the last of the left over paper. **_

"_**Yeah…I'll email you photos tomorrow."**_

"_**Really?"**_

"_**Yeah…sure."**_

_**Pam couldn't believe how nice he was being. Nodding, she decided to get out of there before things got to weird. Grabbing her coat and purse she thanked him again and asked if he could give Ginger a kiss for her. Ryan said of course and told her he would email her the photos and then he would message her a week before her next visit which was in the spring. Pam thought it seemed years away. Sighing, she thanked him again and got everything together. **_

"_**Be careful driving…"**_

_**Ryan said as he walked her to the door. Pam nodded, her stomach felt funny.**_

"_**Yeah…"**_

_**Before leaving Pam stopped, she felt it in her pocket.**_

"_**Oh I almost forgot…here."**_

_**Pam dropped her sparking wedding ring into Ryan's hand. Ryan looked surprised. **_

"_**What's this?"**_

_**Pam shifted her feet, she didn't want to look at him.**_

"_**I didn't think it was right for me to wear it anymore. It's yours anyways…"**_

_**Ryan stared down at the ring before shaking his head and handing it back to her.**_

"_**No, it's yours…I gave it to you Pam."**_

_**Pam held the ring, slightly confused before Ryan opened the door for her.**_

"_**Bye Pam."**_

_**Pam kept looking at the ring before looking up at him, she felt horrible.**_

"_**Merry Christmas Ryan."**_

"_**Same to you."**_

_**Pam looked up at Ryan, his stubble now back to it's normal length. His hair slightly sticking up and his blue eyes very direct. She remembered the man he used to be…and the love they shared. Knowing things would never be the same between them again Pam nodded, she knew he was trying as much as he hated her for what she had done.**_

_**Turning away she left.**_

_**Shutting the door, Ryan let out a deep breath. He wished he could take a hit more then anything right then. Quickly finishing his wine, Ryan rubbed his face. It felt so strange having her here. Going into Ginger's room, he looked in at her and felt his heart sink. **_

_**That was their baby…the reason they fell in love in the first place. **_

_**Why couldn't they still be in love now? **_


	22. Chapter 22

_**Present **_

"You're being wicked unfair!"

A seventeen year old Ginger said with her hands on her hips. Ryan sat in his office in their Tudor style house in Ithaca New York. Slowly the first signs of gray were showing up in his once dark almost black hair. Sitting there at his desk he listened to his teenage daughter pout.

Ginger was seventeen now, a junior in high school and almost like every other typical teenager her age. Her hair a beautiful dark red was tightly pulled back in a ponytail with blond highlights going through it. She wore a black tank top and pink shorts, which for Ryan's taste were a bit too high for his liking.

"Everyone else is getting a car!"

Ryan couldn't help but laugh, his reading glasses on his checked his computer before shaking his head.

"Oh is that so?"

David Wallace just sent him the new reports to look over. Dunder Mifflin was now no more. The company had shut down nearly ten years ago. The ones that were capable ended up branching off and started an on line office supplies stock company, the brain child of both Wallace and Ryan himself. The company was now making great money and Ryan enjoyed the fact he could work from home and live a peaceful and somewhat happy life.

"Yeah! Kim's parents bought her a brand new jeep!"

"Well good for Kim."

Ginger huffed as Ryan smiled, his eyes still on the computer screen. Somehow he had gotten used to dealing with the many emotional ups and downs of raising a teenage daughter. The past couple of years had gone smoothly, much better then when Ginger was a toddler. It was tough living in the city and raising the baby practically by himself. He really had no family to depend on and his coke habit and made him relapse twice. Getting help, Ryan knew if he really did mess up there wouldn't be anyone going to court this time, he would loose Ginger and that would be it. Getting clean he tried to just focus everything on Ginger. He remembered how much his heart ached on her first day of preschool and how she clung to his leg screaming. He remembered how everyone on the street would gush to him about how cute he always had her dressed and how well her manners were. He remembered all those empty uninterested dates he had and how the entire time he kept thinking of Pam.

Pam married Jim when Ginger was five. Ryan didn't go to the wedding, which he knew hurt Pam but he couldn't help. He didn't think seeing those two together like that would do him any good. Pam slowly gained more custody over the years and now they had agreed to a regular visitation structure. Ryan and Pam's coldness slowly started melting away the more years that past and they watched Ginger grow. Ryan had full custody but Pam came into the city every weekend to see her. They shared holidays and now it became a regular thing. Whenever Jim came up with her Ryan made sure he was hardly seen. Just seeing him made him blood boil.

It was award at first, but the tension slowly went down. They weren't friends, just parents to their daughter. Ryan and Pam called twice a week and just talked about Ginger. Either about her friends, school, or just what was going on in their dull life's.

Pam tried art school and failed. She came back to Dunder Mifflin with her tail between her legs and admitted to Ryan one night over the phone that she knew she really didn't have the talent. Ryan told her it was stupid and that maybe that path wasn't what was right for her. Whenever Jim was brought up Ryan always changed the subject. He knew this hurt Pam, most of all after they became engaged but Ryan couldn't care less.

Time past and they saw each other every weekend for Ginger and spoke on the phone. Their life's were dull and they never went into any further detail then they were supposed to.

Ginger got along great with Pam. The two loved seeing each other and now every summer Ryan let her spend an entire month with Pam back in Scranton. Pam was really a good mother and always tried to make up for her past mistakes. Ginger and her got along perfect and almost every time Pam visited Ginger came back with five or six shopping bags. The only thing he couldn't stand was Jim. He hated knowing his daughter was staying there with him in his house. She hated that Ginger referred to him as her 'stepfather' that she thought he was cool and funny. Pam knew how Ryan felt about Jim and whenever there was a holiday as awkward as it was the two barley ever spoke. Ryan didn't care, as long as he stayed away from him he was fine. Pam knew better then to mention him, and when she asked if Jim and her could take her up to Jim's parents last year Ryan flat out told her no. He didn't care, Ginger was his daughter and he wouldn't allow that jerk to get too close with her.

"Come on dad! You promised!"

Ryan looked up.

"I promised if you make the honor roll after graduation then I'll think about it. You're too young to own a car."

"Dad!"

"What?"

"I bet mom will say yes!"

Ryan rolled his eyes.

"Your mother and I both agreed that you're too young."

Ginger threw up her hands before making a face.

"Eh! You're so unfair!"

Storming out, Ryan held back from laughing before shaking his head.

That's when the doorbell rang.

Going to the front door, Ryan opened it and was suspired to see Pam, she was neatly dressed in a blouse and dress slacks. She held her purse. Outside it was a beautiful spring day.

"Pam?"

Ryan raised an eyebrow. She just called last night and said she was coming over this Saturday.

"Can I come in?"

"Yeah sure…Ginger is upstairs…"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

Ryan stepped back as Pam came inside. Sighing she looked at him, almost on the verge of tears.

"Jim and I split up."

Ryan couldn't believe it. The two had been married for nearly twelve years now.

"What?"

Pam nodded, keeping her voice now.

"This week we had a huge argument, he left."

"Over what?"

Pam dropped her eyes.

"You."

Ryan looked.

"What?"

"He said something was wrong with me and that I needed help. That when I was with you I was in love with him, and then when I was with him I was in love you."

Pam shook her head covering her eyes for a second.

"It's been building up a lot lately…we've been working a lot and he still hasn't forgiven me about not wanting any more children. We've been fighting a lot and I could tell he's been unhappy."

Ryan still couldn't believe what she just said.

"He just left?"

Pam nodded.

"I really had nobody else to talk to…my parents are away and I've just been so stressed out…"

Ryan stuffed his hands in his pockets. For the past seventeen years both of their life's had been turned upside down. This seemed to be the final nail in the coffin. Scuffing his feet he sighed.

"Want some coffee?"

Pam wiped her eyes that were starting to fill with tears.

"Yeah sure."

A few minuets later both sat at the kitchen table that was beside the patio doors. Pam looked out at the lush background and the lake further down the hill. Holding her coffee mug she sighed. Ryan meanwhile sat across from her not saying a word. Faintly upstairs he could hear Ginger talking on her cell phone, most likely bitching about how 'unfair' he was being to her. Finally Pam broke the silence.

"How's our girl been?"

Ryan shrugged.

"Mad."

"Why?"

"About the car thing, she's in a really bad mood."

Pam dryly laughed.

"That's because you spoil her too much Ryan, she's your little princess."

Ryan smiled.

"Well as much as it's killing me I think I need to stand my ground. Anyways that will make a really good graduation gift."

Pam smiled.

"We're supposed to go gown shopping this weekend for her junior prom…God I almost forgot."

Pam rubbed one of her temples before Ryan looked down at his coffee mug.

"You need a place to stay?"

Pam looked at him before shaking her head.

"No, Jim's with his parents…I've been trying to throw myself into work and not think about it but I just don't know what to do anymore…"

Both locked eyes and before they could say anything the loud footsteps of Ginger coming down the hall filled the house. Standing in the doorway of the kitchen her face lit up.

"Mom!"

Pam right away smiled.

"Hi honey!"

"Oh my God I didn't know you were coming over!"

Ginger ran over before wrapping her arms tightly around Pam. Ryan watched as Pam smiled, just seeing Ginger made her feel better. Standing back Ginger out her hands on her hips again, Ryan noticed she was still holding her cell phone.

"Dad is being a real jerk today!"

Ryan looked at her amused.

"Hey…"

Pam laughed.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! I was telling him how impossible it is not having a car when you're my age…I mean I need to get around!"

"You use my car all the time Ginger."

"That's not the point dad! I need a car!"

"Tell you what…get yourself a summer job full time and then we'll talk."

Ryan teased. Ginger shot him a look before Pam laughed.

"Well honey we'll see…"

"Are we still going gown shopping! I saw one online that's so hot!"

"Of course honey."

Just then Ginger's cell rang.

"Hold on a sec!"

Leaving the kitchen Ryan and Pam laughed as Ginger started talking a mile a minute into her phone. Looking at each other they burst out laughing again.

"Man she makes me tired."

Pam smiled at Ryan.

"You know…if it wasn't for her I really don't know what I would do."

"Yeah I know what you mean."

"Seems like she's the one thing we got right in our life's."

They glanced at each other again before Pam cleared her throat.

"Anyways, love what you've done with the place…the kitchen is really beautiful."

Ryan looked around, due to his salary he had been able to move Ginger and him out of the apartment and into this house. He had searched for months on the market before finding it. He thought it was too big for the two of them but Ginger loved it. The view was beautiful, they were in a small college town, and Ginger went to the local high school and always had friends over. Ryan just liked it because it was a different pace then the city was.

"Say…why don't you spend the night. It's a long enough drive back and you have a lot on you're mind."

Pam shook her head.

"I couldn't…"

"Come on Pam, we've have dinner with Ginger and talk, you need the break. Anyways Ginger will love it."

"But I have work tomorrow."

"I think you can afford one sick day, come on it will do you good."

Pam thought about it for a second before nodding.

"Okay."

Ryan smiled.

Later that evening the three of them returned from the restaurant. The entire time Ginger went on and on about the gossip at school and how her prom date Tim was starting to get annoying. Whenever she wasn't talking she would text on her phone. Ryan and Pam sat back amused and talked a little, Ginger didn't know anything about Jim and Pam yet.

When they got home Ginger was beat, going upstairs she kissed Pam goodnight and told her how awesome it was having her over. Pam smiled sitting in the large living room drinking coffee Ryan had just made. Once Ginger was upstairs Ryan appeared with some clothes.

"It's old stuff but it should fit you, there's extra toothbrushes in the bathroom closet…you can take the guest room, it's the second door on the left once you get upstairs."

Pam looked at the fire cracking in the fireplace. Outside she heard crickets chirp. This large house had a very welcoming and warm feel towards it, nothing like the apartment in New York.

"Thanks…"

Ryan then sat beside her on the sofa, both drank their coffee and talked.

Pam spoke about how she knew more then likely things wouldn't work out with Jim. That the two of them had been unhappy for a long time and how funny it seemed…once they were finally married things didn't seem to appeal to them anymore.

Pam went on and on as Ryan listened. Finally when the grandfather clock down the hall began to chime Pam laughed looking embarrassed.

"Wow…I've been talking for hours, you of all people don't wanna hear this."

Ryan shook his head.

"No, it's all right."

Pam sighed before looking at him.

"I'm sorry Ryan."

"For what?"

"For being young and stupid…I really was in love with you, I guess I was so overwhelmed that my life was finally settled that I got scared and made a lot of mistakes."

"Did you love Jim?"

Pam sat there for a second thinking.

"I did…but I guess I screwed everything up. I should of known you were the only one who could understand me….should of known that day you chased after me when I left the clinic."

"But you were with Jim for a reason…you were unhappy."

"I was scared, that's what I was…scared and stupid."

Both sat in silence for a second before Pam looked at Ryan, her eyes filling with tears.

"I'm sorry about the baby."

"What?"

"Our baby we lost…after that happened I knew that I really was a bad person. I should of seen it."

"Pam it wasn't anyone's fault."

"I know…it's just all these years with Jim I've been pretending…I finally got what I wanted and the entire time I was unhappy, wishing I haven't broken your heart."

Ryan looked at her before sighing.

"Well, that's all in the past."

Pam nodded, wiping her eyes.

"It was for the best you raising Ginger…I would of just messed her up."

"You're a great mother Pam, don't say that."

"Yeah well…you're an even better father."

Ryan smiled before he reached his hand out across the sofa and covered hers.

"Do you remember that Halloween night?"

Pam laughed shaking her head.

"God, it's almost been twenty years."

"I remember."

"You do?"

"Well I was pretty drunk…but I remember the entire time my heart was pounding in my chest…I couldn't believe how lucky I was."

Pam smiled.

"I love you Ryan."

"I love you Pam."

"Now Ryan you need to wake up."

"What?"

Ryan raised an eyebrow.

"Wake up, please wake up."

"Pam what are you talking about?"

"Wake up Ryan, open your eyes…"

In just a flash Ryan Howard opened his big blue eyes and stared up at Pam who was seventeen years younger. She was in her pink winter coat and her beautiful red hair slightly moved in the freezing wind. Ryan blinked, his vision blurry for a second before looking up at the sparking night sky. He didn't know where he was, or what had happened, but he had seen how his life would have been seventeen years into the future in just the blink of an eye. Everything came rushing back at him at once as the cold hit him.

He was at Dunder Mifflin, Michael made him run out to catch the UPS truck. It was winter and he had slipped on some ice and hurt his head. He saw everyone from the office were surrounding, the faint sound of sires in the background.

"He might need CPR! Let me help!"

Dwight wearing earmuffs tried pushing his way past Pam before she shoved him.

"Not now Dwight!"

Ryan blinked and tasted blood, his lip was cut and his head was throbbing.

Pam…

Pam was pregnant.

Everything hadn't happened yet. The baby wasn't born yet, they hadn't gone to New York, they didn't become distant, she didn't have an affair with Jim, he wasn't hooked on drugs, and they didn't split up. The last thing he remembered was being in his late forties and sitting in his large house in upstate New York with Pam talking about her splitting up with Jim while their teenage daughter slept upstairs. He remembered after all the heartache he still loved her.

And now here he was.

Pam stared down at him, her eyes worried before she gently touched his face.

"Ryan are you okay?"

Ryan stared up at her and felt the most overwhelming feeling fill his heart. He wouldn't make the same mistakes and loose her. She was having his baby, and he was going to make sure he would never leave her again.

Ryan smiled, despite the pain.

"Yeah…I'm fine."

Just then it began snowing.


	23. Chapter 23

The ambulance came a few minutes later. Meredith claimed she saw Ryan take a real nasty fall in the parking-lot while running after the truck. He had blacked out for a minute or so and he could all ready feel the back of his head starting to swell. Worried it might be a concussion, he was helped into the ambulance by a very overwhelming Michael and taken to the hospital. Sitting up with an icepack pressed to the back of his head, one of the paramedics shined a small penlight into his eyes and asked if anything seemed fuzzy. Before the ambulance pulled away he was suspired to see Pam climb in.

"Can I ride with him?"

Sitting beside him, Pam pulled her coat closed and looked at him, her eyes nervous and worried. Just then Ryan thought back on the odd yet realistic thing he had thought of. In what really was just a minute or so while he blacked out seemed to be nearly twenty years worth of memories of heartache. He had seen Pam and him have a daughter…Ginger.

She was beautiful and meant everything to him.

He had seen him get the promotion in New York and have Pam slowly slip away from him.

Looking at Pam, who was pregnant he gulped. Had all of this really been in his mind? They had decided to think things over before deciding on what the next step was. Abortion was now out of the question, and for the last week or so the two went about their business as though nothing was going on.

Until now.

The ambulance started up and Pam leaned forward.

"You okay?"

Ryan felt the back of his head dully ache, his lip also tasted of blood.

"Yeah, just slipped on the ice…"

Ryan eyed her perfectly flat stomach and thought of everything. Was this really how their future would play out? They would pretend to be happy while Pam fell back in love with Jim? Would he really change that much if they went to the city? Would Pam cheat behind his back and then loose the second child they planned on having together? Ryan tried to push away any of these thoughts that were now becoming distant and foggy. Yet…they seemed so real.

Had they divorced and fought over Ginger? He had raised her yes, but also was proved by his mother that he had failed. He had battled a drug problem and lived so many empty years pretending yet again that everything was okay. That his entire life was just for his daughter while he tried to hide the heartache. Was that really what their life's would end up like? Both distant strangers who's only common interest was the child they had together? A child that was conceived one drunken Halloween night while they were just fellow co-workers? Ryan thought of everything and then thought of how the last image in his mind before he opened his eyes was that after all those horrible years of suffering they still maybe loved each other in some strange way?

Pam was still preprint…there was still time to fix things.

Ten minutes later they arrived at the hospital. Right away they were greeted by two orderlies who had a wheelchair ready. Ryan couldn't help but laugh, he felt perfectly fine, his head hurt but he thought they were blowing things a little out of proportion.

"Just take it easy buddy, sit on down."

One of the paramedics helped Ryan into the chair just as Pam stepped out. Ryan looked out of the ambulance bay and saw it was still snowing.

Pam followed as they began wheeling him in. Ryan sat there before they entered and began going down a corridor. They stopped at the main desk where a nurse came forward and handed a huge clipboard with papers on it to Pam.

"You'll need to fill these out miss."

Pam blinked staring at the paperwork and seemed confused.

"Are you family miss?"

"She's my friend from work."

Ryan said before Pam looked down at him, the nurse nodded.

"Do you have an emergency contact?"

Ryan shook his head. His brother was really it but for some strange reason he didn't want to call his house. Lately him and his mother had been fighting. In fact the thing that had really been bothering him lately was how he would break the news to her that he got one of his coworkers pregnant.

"No I don't…"

"Well if you don't mind miss…could you fill just the top sheet out?"

Ryan reached into the back pocket of his slacks and took out his wallet before handing it up to Pam.

"My insurance card is right there…hey guys? I'm fine to walk really?"

Ryan lifted himself out of the wheelchair before the nurse nodded.

"Okay Mr. Novak, Dr. Marks will take a look at you in the emergency room…Bret will take you there."

"Where's that?"

"Just down the hall."

"Okay."

He looked at Pam before going.

"You okay?"

Pam nodded even though her eyes seemed slightly scared.

"Yeah I'm fine, anyways I just checked my inbox, Michael and a couple of the others are coming down."

Ryan couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"Perfect."

Pam nervously giggled before Ryan winked at her.

"Thanks Pam."

Turning he followed the orderly while Pam watched, her arms slightly crossed against the metal clipboard and Ryan's wallet in her free hand. Sighing he watched him disappear out of sight before deeply sighing. Taking a seat she opened his wallet and couldn't help but smile at his license photo. Focusing on the paperwork Pam sat down in one of the plastic seats as nurses walked by. Filling out the forms Pam felt a very overwhelming feeling overtake her. She was still trying to process everything that was going on. She was pregnant…pregnant with Ryan's baby. Remembering that morning in the clinic Pam shifted in her seat. She was so confused and scared by it all. Reality was really just starting to set in. Here she was, working some boring dead-end job where Jim had left. She had broken off her engagement with Roy and was always dreaming of something special. She sketched, and thought of Jim, wishing so badly she could turn back time. Now Ryan, who started off as just a young temp…who was barley a friend and more of a stranger that happened to work in the same office with her had gotten her pregnant. Having a baby was the furthest thing from Pam's mind. As a little girl she had often dreamed of marrying her true love, getting married, moving into some great big house, and then having tons of kids…living happily ever after. Instead all of those things had came crashing down.

Of all people this had to happen with, it had to be Ryan.

She barley knew him. Thinking back at that Halloween night Pam felt herself feeling sick. She had been avoiding talking with Ryan as every single waking moment she thought about it. She now knew how she felt about abortion…so would she really have it? She knew she wasn't really, she felt still so young. She knew this was so wrong, that her life was in tatters and that maybe if she was lucky she could just wake up.

But then she remembered how she saw Ryan laying on the ice less then an hour ago and how her heart jumped. For some strange reason she was terrified. He was in on their secret, in a strange way he was going through a lot of what was worrying her. Yes it wasn't him that was pregnant, but he still knew. He was the reason why it happened, and Pam did admit to herself he had been nothing but understanding and supporting since she told him. He was young just like her, his whole life ahead of him. Thinking of him, she sighed and went on filling out the forms.

At that exact moment Ryan sat on the edge of a table in a small glassed in room near the ER. A middle aged doctor shinned another penlight into his eyes and frowned.

"You took a real nasty fall didn't you Mr. Howard?"

Ryan nodded.

"Yeah my boss he made me run out to catch a UPS truck."

The doctor smirked.

"Gotta love bosses huh?"

"Yeah right."

The doctor smiled before checking over a chart.

"Well I would like to order a CT scan just to make sure everything is all right."

"Are you serious? I just fell…I've done it millions of times."

"Always better to blown things out of proportion then to ignore them Mr. Howard. Now I'll order that up and I'll send a nurse in to stitch that lip up of yours."

Nodding, Ryan sat back and wondered how Pam was. He really wanted to see her now.

Two hours later Ryan changed back into his clothes and felt beyond exhausted. The doctor said everything seemed all right and he would call him in the morning with the results, as far as it looked Ryan just bumped his head and would be fine. Leaving the room Ryan right away bumped into Pam, both nearly knocked into each other.

"Whoa!"

Pam nervously laughed.

"They said you were all finished, I thought I would drive you home."

"You waited?"

"Well Michael and Dwight showed up about a half an hour ago, but I told them as much as you would love having them drive you back…I didn't mind."

Ryan smirked.

"Thanks."

Pam stared at his lip.

"Does it hurt?"

Ryan gently touched the tender skin and shrugged.

"Stings a little."

"You're head?"

"Better."

Pam stood there for a second staring at him, both didn't say anything and for what seemed like the first time ever it didn't seem awkward.

"Say…you want some coffee or something, I need to talk with you."

Pam shifted, clutching onto her coat that she held in her arms.

"Ryan…"

"Please?"

Pam stared at his desperate eyes before slowly nodding.

"Okay…"

Later that night both were at a 24 hour coffee shop downtown. A few old men sat a table further back while Ryan and Pam shared a booth. Pam picked at a donut while Ryan drank his coffee and tried to be straight with her.

It was snowing outside.

"Pam, what have you decided about the baby?"

Pam nearly choked on a piece of the donut before clearing her throat, she looked at him.

"Ummm, I haven't really decided yet."

"You want to keep it don't you?"

Pam stared at him for a second.

"What?"

"That morning, I saw it in your eyes when we left the clinic…you want it don't you?"

"Ryan I haven't even had a chance to think things out with everything that was going on…"

"But you want it. You know you couldn't go through with an abortion and I'm sure you've thought about giving it up…"

"I don't know what I've decided on, this is my life we're talking about Ryan."

"You mean ours."

"I'm sorry, I didn't think you were the one that was pregnant."

"I'm not, but I'm still very much involved in this Pam."

Pam looked slightly pissed off and stared down at her hands.

"I just don't know…I didn't plan on this happening."

"Either did I."

Pam looked up, her eyes serious.

"Do you want me to keep it?"

Ryan stared at her and thought of that blurry memory he had of a beautiful teenage girl with red hair. Smiling, Ryan nodded.

"Yes."

Pam looked as though she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"What?"

"I think we should do this."

"Stop Ryan! You don't know what you're talking about!"

Somehow Ryan felt as though he had heard this before.

"I know, I know. We're just distant friends and co-workers. We both have dreams and futures we want. We're not a couple and we're scared of what our friends might think. That you don't feel ready…that you didn't want this and that you think you'll make an awful mother. That you're scared…that the truth of really having a baby with me is terrifying."

"Don't act like you know me Ryan, not for one second."

"But I'm right, I can see it in your eyes."

"You can't even be serious Ryan. You're young…you said it yourself in five years you want to own your own business. You can't handle work, school, and that while raising a baby…you just can't give it back when…"

"It gets hard, I know."

Pam just looked at him as Ryan sighed.

"Listen Pam, I know it was a mistake, and I know we're not ready for this…but I really believe it happened for a reason. Now I would never push you into anything you didn't want to do, but I really think we could do this…if we tried hard enough and didn't give up hope."

"But Ryan…us?"

"I think we would make a good team, I really think we could be good parents to this baby…if we tried."

"Ryan you make it sound so easy, but look at us…I've hardly even spent more then an hour talking to you. I don't know anything about you!"

"We have plenty of time to do that, let's just try and talk this out like adults. You're pregnant. This was unplanned…I'm 100% willing to be on bored with this and I promise you Pam, you don't have to do this alone. So now it really comes down to it…what next?"

Tears began forming in Pam's eyes before Ryan reached over, covering her hand with his.

That night the roads got much worse, Pam decided to stay the night at Ryan's Insisting on her taking the bed he told her his back was killing him since the fall and that the couch would do it some good. Changing into the same exact shirt she wore that morning after they left the clinic, both barley looked at each other. They had talked a great deal more that night and had finally decided on something important.

"Good night Pam."

Ryan said."

Pam glanced at him before going down the hall.

"Good night Ryan."

Flicking off the lights Ryan jumped on the couch while his dog who seemed completely unbothered slept on the floor. Laying back, still having his mind going a mile a minute, Ryan shut his eyes and smiled.

The next morning, he was woken up by his cell. Opening his eyes, he squinted by the harsh morning light drafting through the windows. It was still snowing. Looking around, he remembered everything that happened and his head, back, and lip all felt sore. Stretching out he reached on the side table and grabbed the cell. Flipping it open he yawned and half expected it to be Michael.

"Hello?"

He eyed his DVD player and saw it was a little past eight in the morning.

"Hello Mr. Howard? This is Dr. Marks from St. Michael's…how's that head feeling?"

Ryan was suspired the doctor was calling his early, sitting up he rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat.

"Fine, just woke up…a little bit of a headache that's all."

There was a pause on the other line before the doctor spoke again.

"That's good, have you felt any dizziness?"

"No…"

Ryan raised an eyebrow, the doctor sounded funny.

"Is something wrong? I mean my tests were okay right?"

There was another pause on the line.

Ten minutes later Ryan slipped on his coat and felt uneasy. The doctor said he wanted to see him right away. That he was sorry since the roads were so bad but it was important. When Ryan asked if something was wrong the doctor told him not to worry and to just meet him at his office.

An awful feeling filled the pit of Ryan's stomach. Last night he had finally gotten Pam to open up in what was going to be a long fight to make sure she loved him and would stay to raise this baby. Still feeling very overwhelmed Ryan walked down the hall and poked his head into his bedroom.

Pam slept peacefully and unbothered. Ryan smiled, his heart fluttering in his chest. He loved this woman, and would do anything it took to make her love him back. Going back to the living room he wrote a quick note telling her that he had forgotten something at the hospital and he was picking it up. That he would get breakfast for the two of them and that he would be back soon. Leaving, right away snow began to pound down on him. Taking nearly fifteen minutes to get his car out of his encasement of ice he drove and felt nervous the entire time.

When he finally arrived there he shut his eyes before getting out and silently prayed everything would be okay. That he would just go back home and start worrying about Pam and their baby. He knew he could make her love her, he knew he had in some odd way a second chance.

Not soon after Ryan sat in the doctor's chair stunned.

"What?"

"We need to run more tests, but it seems from your scan we discovered your in grade 3 of Astrocytomas."

Ryan just sat there.

"What the fuck is that?"

"Brain tumors Mr. Howard…"

Ryan suddenly felt very numb, he sat there unable to move. The doctor sighed, pity showing in his eyes.

"It can go undiscovered like this for years…sadly until we caught it last night, it's developed into grade 3."

"Grade 3...what's that?"

"For Astrocytomas there are 4 grades…the final and most fatal is grade 4...you're at 3."

"What does that mean?"

The doctor stared at him

"Grade 3 means that due to the tumors, they will grow much faster and begin to destroy brain tissue. Within time it will produce weakness, and paralysis on the opposite side of you're body…you will loose muscle control and begin to bleed out. Much like cancer, it will start from the inside out."

Ryan couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"How could this have happened? I go to the doctors every year…I'm perfectly healthy!"

"I understand your shock Mr. Howard, but you have to listen to the facts…your condition is very serious. I'm afraid if you haven't of fallen last night this would of gone unnoticed until the nausea began, then the headaches, the lack of vision and the bleeding…there are still ways of treatment."

"Like what?"

"Radiation therapy and chemotherapy."

"That can stop it?"

The doctor stared at him and Ryan all ready knew the answer.

"No…it can just slow it down and maybe buy you time. At this stage it's beyond help…these treatments will slow you down, weaken you…but maybe buy you a few more months."

"What?"

"With treatment, the average survival of patients with Grade 3 astrocytomas is 18 months with treatment."

Ryan felt as though he had been hit by a brick wall.

"Eighteen months…"

Ryan thought back at Pam sleeping, looking like a beautiful angel back at his condo. Hadn't just last night he opened his heart to her. Hadn't he promised he wouldn't have to do this alone and that he would be there for her? That they would raise this baby together? And deep down inside, he promised to love her and never loose her.

Eighteen months.

His baby wouldn't even be a year old before he died.


	24. Chapter 24

Ryan sat in his car an hour after he left the hospital and had taken one of his notebooks from the backseat and was writing down with a black sharpie everything he remembered. At first glance it appeared to be the ramblings of a madman, but to Ryan it seemed like so much more.

_**Ginger, red hair, blue eyes. **_

_**New York? Promotion? = Pam unhappy. **_

_**Jim (affair?) emails. **_

_**Custody battle? **_

_**Drug habit/ mom's help**_

_**Split up, visitation rights slowly regained?**_

_**Unhappy? Pretending? Alone. **_

Ryan tried so hard to remember everything that flashed in his head for those few minutes he had blacked out. For him it was nearly eighteen years worth of memories and heartache. In just a split second all the true detail and reality seemed so real and vivid. He could of swore he could recall nearly every detail. That for those few minutes he somehow saw a life…a future for Pam and him. Or perhaps simply just a path…a choice of certain events that would of lead the two of them there. Ryan found it harder now to remember everything, but he knew deep in his heart it was real and meant something.

In his memories of what he saw he had convinced Pam that they could have this baby together, all the meanwhile he was slowly falling in love with her and putting everything on the line for her. Jim had visited while Pam was pregnant and that's when they found out they were expecting a baby girl and named her Ginger. They slowly began falling in love, or at least pretending to and they had the baby. Ryan got that promotion in New York and took Pam and the baby with him, acting as if he was successful maybe that underlining feeling of tension and sense that Pam maybe was unhappy would go away. That he knew in his heart all along she had loved him, yet still loved Jim. The two of them lived there and he pushed the two of them. He worked nonstop and turned into a different person, while Pam was alone. He got hooked on drugs and Pam started an affair with Jim. Ryan tricked her into getting pregnant again in some horrible way of trying to trap her. She lost the baby and Ryan truly knew she no longer loved him…he lost the battle. So his mother, who had hardly any contact with him since Pam and him came forward with the news of the pregnancy decided to help his son for once and get him out of this mess he called a life.

She got him clean and they brought Pam to court, he won custody and divorced her. She moved back home and he raised Ginger alone. Years past and Ryan silently was devastated. Yes, he had gotten clean and changed his work habits. The most important thing to him was his daughter, yet he felt like he was dying on the inside.

Pam and him only talked when they had to and it was always about Ginger. Ryan who was still very much in love with Pam began letting her see Ginger more, and before Jim and her married when Ginger was five he let her get her regular visitation rights back. They lived a simple life, and Ryan raised his little girl into a beautiful teenager…all the while mourning the love he lost.

The last tiny memory he had before it faded away and he found himself eighteen years back where he belonged. Laying in the parking-lot and looking up at the woman who now carried his unborn daughter, who he would marry and love, yet never understand. The same woman who broke his heart yet so many years later told him the truth with her eyes that she had made a mistake.

He remembered that…them sitting on the sofa in his house when Ginger was seventeen and upstairs asleep. Pam was saying something about Jim and her splitting up and her beautiful gray eyes sparked against his blue ones.

Then he woke up.

The images were slowly fading, he knew with his new horrible secret within time, maybe even when he went back to his condo he would forget. That's why he wrote these things down. Somehow he knew it was important. At first he believed this tiny bit of false memories were just his mind freaking out on him. Pam was pregnant and hadn't really talked to him yet about what he was doing, he knew both of them had been loosing sleep over it and had no idea what to do.

Or maybe it was a warning. Something telling him this was Pam and his future if he didn't play his cards right. That he would loose her to Jim if he didn't prove himself. That's what he was going after when he took her to the coffee shop. He carefully spoke to her from his heart and knew right away he wouldn't loose her. And if they did agree on everything that seemed so terrifying, then he would know maybe that was fate trying to help him.

He would take her to her parents to break the news, then his. If his mother didn't like it then he would curse her out. He would for once stand up for himself and tell her that if she didn't like the fact Pam and him were going ahead with this, then he never wanted to see her again. Yes they would do all the things he faintly remembered before. Writing everything down, trying to figure things out, crying, and feeling scared. But somehow deep down inside he knew they would do a good job. That was the one thing in that twisted little vision he had…both Pam and himself had only one thing they had done right.

Being parents to their daughter.

He would do everything different this time. He wouldn't force her into anything and when Jim came back…which he knew in his heart he would one day, he would prove himself to her. That Jim wasn't for her…that he was the one who really loved her and he was the one she had her daughter with. Not Jim.

Those few minutes knocked out had scared him, he wanted to wake sure none of that would happen. He was going to make this work. Pam and him were having this baby, and he would make sure she was happy…and that she would love him.

Sighing, Ryan put down the notebook. Why didn't it make sense? Why had this happened?

Just last night he had finally talked to Pam, both had decided to take this very slowly. They both agreed and promised if they did indeed plan on keeping this baby…they would do it together. That they would go see Pam's parents this weekend and then his family and break the news. After that they would just face things together as scary as they were.

A baby…

Ryan thought, his eyes welled up with tears as he looked out his windshield at the falling snow. Why had this happened to him? Why now? It couldn't…he was making sure things went right this time with Pam. He was going to make sure she loved him, he was going to make sure Jim didn't take her away or that he was stupid enough to throw her aside for his job. He just wanted her…and their baby.

Yes, here he was in his twenties and all ready wanted his future.

What future?

He thought.

Less then an hour ago he found out he would more then likely be dead in eighteen months. That there were tumors in his brain and within time they would slowly bleed out and shut down his body. That all those promises he made to Pam were now broken. That even that horrible future he saw would never happen. He would be dead…and leave Pam alone.

His face crumbled as he began to cry. He never felt so alone in his entire life.

"WHY?!"

He cried out before beating the steering wheel.

It wasn't fair.

A half an hour later Ryan walked through the condo's front door to find Pam sitting on the couch with his dog watching the weather. Right away she looked up and Ryan could of almost died. She was so beautiful.

"Hi."

She said, looking slightly embarrassed.

Ryan smiled setting down his keys.

"Hey."

"What did you forget at the hospital?"

"Oh…my watch, took forever to find it. They misplaced it in some lost and found box five floors up…lucky nobody took it."

Ryan threw off his coat and it landed on a chair he had near the door which mostly served for holding his coats or gym clothes he took off the second he came through the door. Right away he sat beside her with two brown paper bags and began taking things out.

"Coffee for me, and tea for you."

Pam smiled sitting up.

"Thanks."

"Got bagels…here…"

Ryan began fishing through the bag before Pam sat there, looking around the empty condo.

"Are we really doing this Ryan?"

Ryan looked over at her.

"Yeah…we are."

"Are you scared?"

"Yeah."

Ryan smiled at her before she smiled back.

Just then Pam's face seemed very pale, she sat there for a second before Ryan looked at her.

"You okay?"

"Ummm, yeah just….oh God!"

Pam slapped her hand over her mouth and got up in a hurry, racing down the hall Ryan heard the bathroom door open and then the sounds of her throwing up. Sitting there for a second Ryan felt helpless.

How am I going to tell her?

Ryan got himself up and hurried down the hall to find Pam in the bathroom hung over the toilet and dry heaving. Ryan quickly rolled up his sleeves and sat beside her, holding back her hair and rubbing her back.

She threw again.

"Shhhh, it's all right."

Pam spit before wiping her mouth and looking at him before weakly smiling.

"This has been happening a lot this week, bet my nerves don't help."

"Say how does those bagels sound now?"

Ryan grinned before Pam playfully hit his arm.

"Do you think I'll be a good mother?"

Ryan stared at her for a moment and really didn't know what to say. Instead he smiled and brushing back some of her hair.

"Of course you will Pam…you're perfect."

Pam snorted.

"Far from it."

"No, believe me…you are."

Pam smiled looking at Ryan's eyes as he hit that horrible secret. He was all ready so in love with her and couldn't stand to ruin this moment. Instead he kept his mouth shut and pretended.

The next weekend past and both of them had informed their families on their plans. Pam's parents had a reaction Ryan expected. They were shocked at first and then very supported. Ryan had a horrible thought that she was lucky to have family like this to be behind her no matter what.

Even when your friend/co-worker who got you pregnant and promises to take care of you dies a few months later leaving you alone.

Ryan pushed that thought away.

His mother had the reaction he knew she would have and it ended in a screaming match, in which he wouldn't let Pam run to the car this time. He wanted to let her know he didn't care what his family thought…he was doing what he wanted. His mother called the two of them every name in the book and Ryan so badly wanted to tell her what was really going on right in hr face. Instead he simply stood up for Pam and told his mother to go to Hell if she didn't like the idea of being a grandmother. They left together that snowy night and were greeted by Ryan's brother in the driveway who was grinning ear to ear.

"It's about time someone stuck up to her like that."

Both Ryan and Pam burst out laughing.

At work Michael fussed over Ryan that Monday he came back, asking him if his head hurt and if he was okay. Ryan simply brushed it off, feeling uncomfortable as always and went about his boring little work day. Sitting at his work desk he kept looking up at Pam and seeing her smile. Smiling back he felt his heart swell up. He was beyond lucky and both Pam and him had a secret. Something so scary and so wonderful both hadn't wrapped their heads around it. Yet…there was a cloud over everything.

Ryan was hiding another thing, something Pam didn't know about.

But everything began going as it should have. The holidays were coming and both Ryan and Pam agreed that this was their business and that only family should know first just to be careful. Anyways both weren't really that excited to let everyone in the office know they slept together and were now expecting a baby. Pam cringed and joked about the things Michael would say.

They acted at work as though everything was normal. They decided to wait at least until after New Years to let everyone in on their plans.

What plans? Ryan kept asking himself. None of these things Pam and him discussed what seemed like every night and worried over would matter. He knew he would have to tell her within time. But until then he just pretended and tried his hardest to be happy.

They stared at each other and caught a few glanced and winks at work sitting at their desks. Dwight didn't seem to notice. Ryan and Pam would message each other back and forth and Pam covered her morning sickness perfectly. She always got up excusing herself and slowly went to the ladies' room making sure nobody was inside. When she came back out her skin looked lighter, yet seemed perfectly put together and calm. Ryan would always watch her carefully before messaging her if she was okay. The replies were always the same, saying she was fine and just felt a little sick. She would always joke and tease him making him laugh, and somehow taking his worries away from him for a few hours.

They wouldn't sit together at lunch or anything and walked to their cars separate. They knew someone was always watching there.

But once they left Ryan visited Pam five times out of the week, he would come over with dinner and they would just talk. Pam planned on going to the doctors right after New Years. They had done all the mapping and planning out. Writing down salaries, five year plans, and pros and cons. Somehow as they planned this all out Ryan sat back feeling horrible.

He hated being alone in his condo, he would just lay awake for hours thinking about it. Knowing how this would ruin everything. He hated himself for it.

So he would always visit Pam, coming over with cracks and ginger ail for her morning sickness. Talking with her and making her laugh. Within just a few weeks they had formed a special bond.

They were really doing this.

Finally Ryan invited Pam to spend Christmas Eve over his place. He told her he had something very important to tell her.


	25. Chapter 25

_**On her way to Ryan's that night, Pam tightly gripped the steering wheel and watched as her windshield wipers slowly brushed back the snow that was gently falling from the sky. The last two months had been a complete blur for her, and she couldn't believe where she was now. Driving forward, softly listening to Christmas music Pam for once didn't have that horrible terrifying overwhelming feeling that had plagued her from the moment she took the first pregnancy test. It was true, she really never saw herself here in her early thirties still working in Scranton in that crazy and somewhat dull dead-end job. That she hadn't been to art school yet or was selling her work for thousands of dollars while married to her true love and not even thinking of children yet. That she broken off her engagement to Roy and had truly shattered any friendship or future with Jim. She had been depressed and simply did the same routine over and over again. Now here she was, pregnant and facing the future really not knowing what to expect.**_

_**Since that night in the coffee shop after Ryan had been taken to the hospital she looked at this pregnancy in a new way. Yes it was still unplanned, and very scary…yet she didn't seem so alone anymore. She now looked at Ryan differently. Instead of the young temp who had now taken over Jim's old job and his desk, a co-worker who was hardly a friend and barley said more then twenty words to her a day was now promising never to leave her. They had decided, and knew the second they left the clinic that they were keeping this baby. Ryan told her that they would face this together, be parents and no matter what came their way they would do this for their baby. He agreed that this really wasn't what planned for himself. That much like her he had dreams of a future…and he never expected it to be with her. They went over this slowly and somehow Pam knew just by looking in his eyes he was telling the truth. **_

_**They had gone to their families and she had seen a different side of Ryan, a more human side that she was slowly beginning to wonder about and want to see more of. He stood up for her and then really seemed like a person in front of her parents. He was by her side as her mother and father shared their suspire and support. After knowing her parents were also there for her she somehow didn't feel so alone anymore. Yes she was still terrified beyond belief, and had no idea how she would even get by the next few months…yet she knew everything somehow would be okay. She had talked a great deal with her parents and told them that she was indeed keeping the baby. That Ryan and her decided to go ahead with this and that they would raise it together.**_

"_**Together like how?"**_

_**Her mother had asked over tea less then a week ago. Pam remembered feeling funny by this question before she shrugged. **_

"_**Like friends…we're going to be parents to this baby. We still have a lot to go over, but we're doing this together."**_

"_**Well are you two going to live together?"**_

_**Pam shrugged.**_

"_**We haven't gone over that yet."**_

_**As far as Pam knew they were still very distant friends and co-workers. They barley knew each other and just happened to sleep together after one drunken night. They had been over a lot and were still trying to figure everything out. It all seemed so confusing. Here they were planning on having this baby together, while they still felt like strangers. **_

_**They pretended at work as though everything was normal, yet saw each other nearly every night. They had dinner together and mostly talked. Somehow Ryan made her feel much more relaxed and settled. He knew how overwhelmed she was and slowly went over everything. He told her not to think too far ahead, that it would just make her crazy. As far as they decided on, he would go to her to the doctor's after the new year and then they would take it from there.**_

_**There were so many questions, while Pam still couldn't help but feel for once as though maybe fate was going in the right direction as crazy as that sounded. Jim was gone, and so wasn't her past. Here she was turning a whole different path in her life. She had made her choice and both Ryan and her decided they were going to be parents to this baby. She still didn't know if it would work out, or if it would all blow up in her face. She was scared to death at the thought of really being a mother, and that something would go wrong and she would be left alone. But Ryan always made her feel better. He seemed almost excited for this and seemed so different. He made her laugh, was always concerned and seemed to remind her whenever he looked her over with those worried big blue eyes that she was indeed pregnant. Somehow the reality kept hitting her. Inside of her growing was Ryan's baby. Ryan the temp, the guy who started a fire in the office and had dated Kelly. It all seemed so weird. What was everything going to say? What would happen if this got back to Jim? She really didn't know. She found it so funny that the least two people you would expect this to happen to would be them. Now here they were having a baby. **_

_**Ryan had been so sweet and supportive. Whenever Pam had a panic attack just by thinking of everything and she couldn't get hold of her mother she called him. Both would text each other through the night making each other feel better. Pam found it funny that Ryan of all people had become a comfort to her. Both saw each other almost every night and talked. Slowly they were beginning to get to know each other. Most of the talk was about the pregnancy as weird as it seemed, but Pam began to slowly get to know the guy she was in fact planning on having a baby with.**_

_**She learned he grew up in Pennsylvania and his father had died when he was younger. She knew he was in business school, and had taken this job in the office shortly after finishing college. She learned he was much like every other guy his age. He loved sports, his dog, and taking trips. He told her he used to party a lot once he was in school but was slowing down since he started school. That he took the temp job to finish paying off his loans and that as weird as it sounded liked to read in his spare time.**_

_**Pam at first felt uncomfortable sharing things with him but she knew this was just the beginning. She told him her love of art and how she had been dating Roy since high school. That she always dreamed of going to art school and how she loved listening to music. She had to laugh, these were things you learned on the first date, not with someone you were having a baby with. **_

_**Both talked, and began making each other laugh and felt more and more comfortable with each other. She found Ryan very easy to talk to and easy going. She also began to notice how in some strange way how cute he was. She knew these feelings were stupid and not right to have now of all times, but she couldn't help it. He wasn't Roy, or Jim…he was different. **_

_**Soon she began to feel butterflies whenever she looked at him during one of Michael's many stupid meetings, or whenever they sat in their apartments or condos laughing and watching TV and talking. She found his dark hair and striking blue eyes attractive while she hid her true feelings from her mother who had asked. She told him she didn't know how she felt and that she didn't want to look at him that way. They were focusing on this baby, not them. Still, they were having a baby together after all and she had slept with him. Much for the life of her she couldn't remember. **_

_**Each time she looked at her flat stomach she couldn't believe it.**_

_**Ryan and her were having a baby. **_

_**Thinking of the day before, how both of them had made separate excuses to miss out on the Christmas party, both had gone back to Pam's place and had dinner. That's when Pam felt funny from the smell of the food and started throwing up. While she was doing so Ryan held her hair, rubbing her back before he kissed the back of her neck. Pam remembered feeling funny, and how she couldn't help but smile. She waited for him to do it again but he didn't. He simply kept rubbing her back before she finished. Turning she tried to smile at him feeling slightly awkward before Ryan just stared at her.**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**Nothing."**_

_**Ryan smiled.**_

_**Taking her hand the two of them finished dinner. **_

_**Now here she was driving to his house.**_

_**Was this really happening? **_

_**Pulling into the small parking area, Pam put the car in park and sat there for a moment or so. Watching the snow fall everywhere, she spotted Ryan's blue car parked a few spaced away. Taking a heavy breath she clutched her coat closed, grabbed her purse and got out. **_

_**Reaching his floor, Pam smoothed down her hair before ringing the bell. She had agreed to spend the holiday with her parents tomorrow. Standing there for a second, shifting from foot to foot she really wondered if this was what it was going to be like for now on. That's when Ryan answered the door smiling.**_

"_**Hey."**_

_**Once inside and settled, Ryan brought her into his empty living room and brought her a nice hot cup of tea. Dressed in jeans and a dark shirt Ryan looked slightly tired, circles were under each of his eyes and he looked as though something was bothering him.**_

"_**So I take it Michael sent you enough texts to last you for the next year?"**_

_**Pam asked smiling as he sat down beside her. His small fireplace was going and Pam felt a warn sense of comfort sitting here. There were no decorations nor tree, yet it seemed all very welcoming and nice. Ryan rolled his eyes before he showed her his cell.**_

"_**Yeah, sent me an email just this morning. I guess the Christmas party wasn't what he dreamed up. My 'I'm visiting my family' thing worked and so didn't your 'I have the flu.' but I guess Oscar and Toby bailed and Dwight caught them at Poor Richard's later that night."**_

_**Pam smiled.**_

"_**Busted."**_

"_**Yeah I guess Meredith got drunk and tried doing a strip tease for everyone…Angela walked out while Creed started taking photos."**_

_**Pam began cracking up with him before he offered her something to eat.**_

_**An hour later both finished their meals, which Ryan had cooked himself. He admitted he really wasn't the greatest cook in the world and mostly ordered take out. Feeling full and relaxed Pam told him it was great. Washing the dishes and going back to the living room they mostly talked about past holidays they had and some of their best memories of Christmas morning as a kid. They joked about last year's office party, and then Ryan asked how she was feeling.**_

"_**Better, felt a little car sick on the way over but I'm good."**_

_**Ryan smiled.**_

"_**That's good."**_

_**Both sat there talking a while longer before Pam cleared her throat, she never felt so nervous before in her entire life.**_

"_**Listen…Ryan, I have to tell you something…it's important and I want you to hear me out."**_

_**Ryan sat beside her on the couch before dropping his eyes.**_

"_**Pam…"**_

"_**No, I need to say this. The last month has been crazy and between us now deciding we're going to do this and how fast things are going I just need to let you know something."**_

"_**Pam I…"**_

"_**Shhh, please just let me say it."**_

_**Ryan sat there, his eyes serious. **_

"_**Okay."**_

_**Pam stared down at her hands before looking up at him nervous. **_

"_**Ryan, a lot has happened…but in some strange way for the first time in my life I feel certain that I'm doing the right thing. I'm terrified but…I'm glad we're doing this, and I'm glad it's with you."**_

_**Ryan looked as though he wanted to say something but listened as she went on. Taking a deep breath Pam felt her heart begin to pound in her chest.**_

"_**I didn't love Roy…and I thought I loved Jim, but by the time I finally saw that he was gone. I know I can't wait forever and if he's moved on with his life…I should move on with mine."**_

"_**Are you sure about that?"**_

_**Pam raised an eyebrow and looked confused.**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**What if tomorrow Jim came back…would everything change?"**_

_**Pam thought about this for second before shaking her head.**_

"_**No…it wouldn't."**_

_**Ryan looked as though he knew better but let her go on.**_

"_**You're a great person Ryan, and I'm finally seeing that now. I know you're serious about what you're saying and I know as hard as it's going to be, we'll make good parents for this baby. I know this wasn't what we originally wanted, not even in a million years…but sitting here tonight I don't know, doesn't it feel right? Us?"**_

_**Pam leaned forward, closing her eyes before gently kissing Ryan on the lips. The kiss lasted only a few seconds but it was tender and passionate. Both opened their eyes before sitting back. Ryan looked at her, his eyes filled with sorrow. **_

"_**I'm dying Pam." **_


	26. Chapter 26

"Oh my God, I feel horrible…"

Pam groaned as she sat beside Ryan on the small hospital bed in the chemotherapy room. It was the week of Valentine's day and both were spending their morning together as snow gently fell from the gray skies outside.

In this small amount of time, there had been lots of changes in Pam and Ryan's life's. Pam admitted that she did have feelings for Ryan and that she was just terrified now knowing how sick she was and that she had decided on keeping the baby. There really wasn't a lot that could be done other then just hoping. It was so much pressure on the two that after Pam had ran into Ryan's arms she invited him inside her parent's house where they just sat together talking for hours. Both admitted they were scared, and truly had no idea what they were going to do. It seemed as though it was some unspoken thing that both now knew how they truly felt about each other. Sitting there on Pam's parent's couch, Ryan held Pam in his arms and promised her everything was going to be all right. That's when Pam wiped her tear filled eyes and made a promise herself. He wasn't going to do this alone, much like the same promise he told her in the coffee shop when they decided they were going to raise this baby together. She told him if his family didn't care then her and this baby would be his family. That she would take care of him and make damn sure he would beat this thing and watch their baby grow up. Ryan smiled listening to her, thinking how funny a few life changing events could change two people. He knew he loved her now and that all these promises would in time be broken. But until then…he would fight beside her.

Pam's parents were very supportive and even offered for the two of them to stay with them. Instead Ryan said he wanted to go on with a normal lifestyle as long as he could. Both weren't fully sure on where their relationship was now, only that both were having this baby together and were going through Ryan's illness together. They now held hands, and each other. They kissed here and there in the beginning, still awkward and slightly shy about the entire thing. Both would nervously laugh whenever Ryan would visit her and walk to his car, saying goodbye they would kiss once on the cheek and then once quickly on the lips. Both holding back from blushing as their hearts pounded in their chests.

Pam told her mother that she really did think now that she was falling in love with him.

Ryan's family were supportive, but knowing that Pam was still continuing with the pregnancy caused some arguments. Ryan told his mother that this was what they wanted and if she didn't like it then it was her fault for not caring. His brothers called him a few times a week and tried to help out, both were very friendly to Pam and seemed happy for him. Ryan most nights would lay awake worrying, he felt perfectly fine…why was this happening to them? Pam meanwhile would go into crying fits in private. She prayed that all of this would be one big nightmare. She was ready to have this baby with Ryan…but to loose him? She couldn't grasp her mind around it just when she started opening her heart again.

Both informed Toby shortly after their first doctor's visit. The entire time Ryan squeezed Pam's hand as the doctor looked her over and let them listen to the heartbeat. They couldn't see the baby just yet on the fuzzy little screen, but the doctor informed them the baby seemed perfectly healthy and everything was going fine. Ryan seemed almost more excited then Pam when they left. Pam kept smiling as they drove back, looking at his eyes sparkle as he talked about the baby and it's heartbeat.

That's when they decided to go to Toby and break the news of Pam's pregnancy. They would wait, Pam was only three months so far, and Ryan thought maybe waiting another month wouldn't be that bad of an idea. He wanted to be safe about this. Instead Pam told him word got around the office so quickly that as nervous as they were, it would be better to just break the news right away. Of course everything went as Ryan saw it. Kelly was listening as Pam and Ryan told Toby who looked completely stunned. Right away in just a few minutes Pam's pregnancy was known all around the office. Both were very embarrassed since mostly everyone had the same reaction.

"You two? We never knew you guys were together?"

Angela and Dwight of course met them with disapproving looks, Kelly cried, and Michael came out smiling ear to ear before touching Pam's stomach.

"Well I know one thing! This baby is going to be hot!"

Pam felt uncomfortable as she stood back, Ryan stood right by her side. Both could of died just then, but knew it was best to let everyone know.

Both Pam and Ryan decided to keep his illness under wraps, it wasn't anyone's business and Ryan wanted to keep working until he couldn't. Pam was his cheerleader and told him he would be fine, maybe if the treatments worked they wouldn't have to tell anyone at all. Ryan just smiled and told them sure. He knew this was a lot for her and the gossip in the office still hadn't died down. Everyone always stared at them and asked questions.

"Are you two together?" "Are you getting married?" "When did this happen? Was it a one night stand?" "How are you guys going to do this? Are you raising it together?" "How long have you known?" "How far along are you?" "Are you two seeing each other?"

It was so much, but anytime Pam felt overwhelmed she would just look over at Ryan at his desk and he would wink at her, making her smile and making her forget about her worries for just a moment. It had only been less then a month but both were doing this together.

A week after they had told everyone in the office, Pam and Ryan went to Ryan's first doctor's appointment dealing with what was going on. They discussed what the tumors would do, what would start happening within a timeline, and of course treatment. Inside Ryan knew the treatment really wouldn't do anything, much like how he was informed the first time. Dr. Marks told him treatment would slow things down, but more then likely make things much more painful for him. But for Pam treatment was all this wanted to talk about. Ryan knew now, she was in love with him.

Pam seemed very on edge, but put together as she talked with the doctor, listening closely and looking over all the different options, whenever Ryan tried talking about how it might not work she wouldn't hear any of it.

"Of course it's going to work…it has to."

He saw how desperate she was, so he just went along for the ride.

The chemotherapy was an off option for these tumors, but Dr. Marks told them in several cases certain types of treatment would get into the bloodstream and begin to shrink the tumors. That was all Pam needed to hear.

The two still lived at their separate places, and came to work in their own cars. Everyone was still talking behind their backs and it seemed now at every possible moment Michael was saying something to Ryan and winking at Pam. But the two had began trying to find a balance in their now crazy life. They saw each other every night at their own places. They would have dinner, talk, watch TV and try to make each other laugh. All Pam seemed to want to talk about was how he was feeling and when the next hospital visit would be. Ryan just wanted to talk about the baby.

Now the two sat together as everyone else, sickly cancer ridden patients surrounding them as nurses made their rounds. Pam was dressed in pink sweats and a long sleeve T-shirt, her hair tied back in a ponytail. Ryan meanwhile more a hoddie and jeans, both looked exhausted and drained. Pam groaned, shutting her eyes before Ryan grabbed the small plastic bucket that was on the counter beside them and held it in front of her. The morning sickness had gotten really bad lately. Dry heaving at first, Pam threw up a little as Ryan held the bucket and rubbed her back. Seconds later his own face turned pale and the second Pam brought her head up he put his face in front of it and threw himself. Pam reached her arms around his waist for comfort as he threw up again, straining with all his muscles. After a minute he spit, wiped his mouth and grabbed a tissue and handed one to Pam while he used the other himself. Just then one of the nurses came over with ice chips and smiled.

"You two are really amazing."

Both Ryan and Pam looked up, they were exhausted.

Setting down the ice chips, the nurse explained she had never seen a couple so close before. Telling them to yell if they needed anything, she gave them a new bucket and walked away. Ryan laid back, bringing Pam with him, Both laid together as Pam put her head on his chest.

"You hear that? We're a couple."

Ryan smirked.

"Yeah…I guess so."

Pam sighed looking around the room before looking back at him.

"What if we really were?"

"Huh?"

"A couple…like maybe really be together."

"Is that what you want?"

"Is it what you want?"'

"Of course it is…but Pam, I'm sick and…"

"Shhhh…don't."

"But I have to."

Pam shook her head.

"No…I want you Ryan, just like how I want you to get better and raise this baby with me."

Ryan stared down at her, feeling his heart dully ache. He never felt so tired before in his life. Finally he nodded.

"Okay."

Pam smiled.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

Pam snuggled beside Ryan as he stared up at the ceiling, he all ready sensed things were falling apart.

A few hours later Pam drove him back to her place. It was a Saturday and they didn't have work. Helping him on the couch, she covered him with one of her blankets and told him she was fixing lunch.

"I'm really not that hungry…"

Pam looked at him.

"You're starting these new meds, you need to eat."

Ryan rubbed the side of his temple, his head was pounding.

"No it's okay…I'll eat later, you eat."

"No."

Ryan looked up.

"What?"

Pam put her hands on her hips.

"If you're not going to eat then I'm not going to eat."

"Pam come on…"

"No, I'll starve myself and our baby if you keep this up. We agreed I was going to help you right?"

Ryan looked up at her.

"Right."

"Then you're having something."

Watching her storm into the tiny kitchen Ryan couldn't help but laugh. She had so much energy and was so feisty. A few minutes later they ate together even though Ryan felt sick to his stomach. He held back from throwing up.

"Pam…I think I should let Toby know what's going on."

"With what?"

"This. The doctor's said these treatments are going to make things worse…I'll be weaker and I'm going to start feeling the effects soon."

Pam shot him a look.

"I think you're jumping the gun."

"Pam I feel horrible and this is just the beginning…I can't lie about this."

Pam stared at her plate that sat on the coffee table in front of him. She bit down on her bottom lip, her eyes worried.

Ryan knew once they said it out loud to other people it would be a reality. That so much was happening so fast that Pam could barley wrap her mind around it. Here she was barley four months pregnant and the man she was having this baby with was dying. That within eighteen months he would die or be bedridden. Ryan hated himself for this. They had planned on so many things and here it was crashing away. Before any of this had happened Pam's biggest problem was being bored at work, dreaming of going to art school, and missing Jim. Now here she was pregnant and the guy she was falling in love with was sick and would leave her within time.

"Okay, if that's what you want."

"I don't want this to upset you Pam. I know how people can be at work…I'll talk to them."

Pam snorted.

"Yeah good luck with that…"

Ryan then put his arm around her shoulders and brought her in closer.

"Hey, don't be sad…we're a couple now remember?"

Pam looked up at him and gave a soft smile, her eyes looked glassy like tears were coming. Ryan kissed the top of her head before looking serious into her eyes.

"Promise me something?"

"Anything."

"Don't do that again."

"What?"

"Use the baby was a threat. Pam I'm sick…don't take it out on the baby."

"Ryan…"

"No I'm serious…okay?"

Pam nodded.

"I'm just really scared."

"I know…"

Both stared at each other before Ryan opened his mouth again.

"Pam I…l-lov.."

"Shhhh, I know."

Pam then reached up and kissed him.


	27. Chapter 27

May

_**Ryan swore underneath his breath before focusing on Pam. Her beautiful gray eyes stared up at him, waiting and slightly uncomfortable. **_

"_**Listen Ryan you don't have…"**_

"_**Shhhh, hold on…"**_

_**Ryan tried again, sweat rolling down his face as he tried his hardest. Pam waited, laying down in their bed before really seeing how skinny he had gotten in the last couple of months. It seemed funny, he seemed to be growing frailer, while her body was growing. Her nine month pregnant stomach stuck out perfectly against her small frame. Ryan laid on top of her, trying again before Pam gently bit on her bottom lip.**_

"_**Listen Ryan, it's getting late. We're tried different positions…maybe tomorrow night."**_

_**Ryan looked down at her, his face very drawn and exhausted. Pam hated seeing him like this before she smiled. **_

"_**Anyways, she's kicking up a storm, might be better just to relax."**_

_**Ryan stare down at her before nodding, gently and carefully he lifted himself off her and settled down beside her. Grabbing the sheets to pull up on herself, Pam looked over at him and smiled. **_

"_**Hey, what's wrong?"**_

_**Ryan looked annoyed and sighed. **_

"_**I haven't been able to do it with you in almost two months…I mean I want to, but I can't…you know, I can't…"**_

_**Pam knew this was embarking for him. She knew very much what he meant, the doctors had informed her things like this would start happening as the illness went forward. Pam on the other hand blamed the treatment, deep in her heart she knew it was working and as horrible as Ryan looked now she knew within time it would be worth it. **_

"_**Hey it doesn't help I'm getting so huge."**_

_**Ryan smiled before kissing her, his hand slid against the curve of her stomach and the baby began moving just by his touch. **_

"_**Don't say that, you're beautiful."**_

_**Pam smiled through the kiss and thought back on the last couple of months and how much their life's had really changed. Just two weeks ago Jim had come back from Stamford. Pam who was still working sat behind her desk answering phones and had just emailed Ryan who was at the condo resting. The day before he had spent nearly the entire night at the hospital after waking up not being able to see out of his right eye. After a few hours his vision slowly came back but his fingertips felt numb and he also began to vomit what looked to be blood. The doctors kept a close eye on him before letting Pam take him home. By now Pam knew every single doctor and nurse who worked there. They were there at least three or five times out of the week between hospital visits, appointments, blood work, and treatment. Pam had now memorized all of Ryan's mediation. Knew which pill was what and when he should take it. She had bought at least two dozen books on his condition and knew exactly what to do now whenever something went wrong. She knew all the emergency numbers to call and still acted like a cheerleader never giving up hope. She hated the fact he was getting so sick so quickly. The doctor's had said eighteen months but they all hinted that Ryan might not even last that long. **_

_**Pam meanwhile didn't want to hear it. The thought of loosing Ryan now, before the baby terrified her. She was now in love with this man and wouldn't leave him for a second. She was always positive and always tried to keep his spirits lifted. She knew what always cheered him up…the baby. He loved talking about it, in fact he always seemed so excited whenever one of her appointments came up. It seemed as though Pam was very invested in Ryan's illness, while Ryan knew everything about Pam's pregnancy. While she bought books about tumors and how to care for sick patients, he bought books about the baby, the pregnancy, and name books. He always laughed and looked in complete wonder whenever they had an ultrasound done. He always made the nurse print out copies of the baby and show them off to everyone. His mother had shown her face only twice since, both Ryan and her had talked in private and she seemed very cold to Pam. She wanted to know exactly what was going on with her son's health and asked Pam before she left if she really did indeed plan on keeping the baby. Pam glared at her and said of course. Since then it was just the two of them.**_

_**Ryan had broke the news of his illness just like he told Pam he would. First he talked with Toby and then it spread across the office much like the news of Pam's pregnancy. People were completely stunned and Michael burst out crying before wrapping his arms around Ryan and telling him they were going to beat this thing. Mostly everyone didn't know what to say. They were all in shock. Kelly of course asked Pam a million questions, mostly what she was going to do raising the baby alone if something happened to Ryan. Pam couldn't believe this and snapped back.**_

"_**Nothing is going to happen to Ryan! Nothing!"**_

_**Everyone now treated Pam as though she was made out of glass. They knew both Ryan and her had a lot going on. Pam of course heard whisperers, but tried to ignore them. Ryan worked up until April when finally he became too sick. He was loosing weight and his visits to the hospital were messing up with his days at work. He next very exhausted most of the time and often threw up now before loosing feeling in one of his arms for a few hours. The doctors said it was best for him to take time off and spend it at home. But Ryan still tried to drive her to work every morning. The days he was too sick to get out of bed Pam would drive herself, always knowing Ryan hated this since he worried about her. He would usually as much as he could come by every day to have lunch with Pam. Everyone treated him different now, even Angela and Dwight. They knew they were looking at a dying man every time he walked in the front door.**_

_**On Pam's lunches, they would sit together, laughing, catching up on what was going on in the office, and just feeling good. Phyllis commented once to Meredith that they made a very sweet couple whenever she looked at the two of them, and that it was such a shame that this was happening to the two of them and that Pam would raise the baby alone. **_

_**Ryan sometimes came in using a cane, his right leg had been acting up lately and it felt funny whenever he moved. He also wore a baseball cap, the treatments were making his once rich dark thick hair now slowly thin and fall out. His cheekbones were showing now, and each time Pam looked at him her heart broke. She couldn't believe just a few months would do this to someone and change them so much. But Ryan's attitude was always good. He loved thinking about the baby and the second they found out they were having a girl he asked Pam if they could name it Ginger.**_

"_**Ginger why Ginger?"**_

_**Ryan looked off for a second before smiling, as if he was thinking of something.**_

"_**I don't know…I guess I just like the name."**_

_**So now they were going to have a little girl named Ginger. Pam would often lay awake most nights in Ryan's arms, feeling her stomach and hoping the baby would look more like Ryan. Most of all his big blue eyes. **_

_**But Ryan still stayed strong. In the beginning before things got so bad the two of them moved together into Pam's place. It was funny how quickly they adjusted and couldn't believe how comfortable they were with each other. Nearly every thing they did made each other think it was cute. Both also made love nearly every night before Ryan began to get weaker. This part killed Ryan and partly shamed him. In private he was embarrassed and also knew what the doctors were telling him.**_

_**The treatments weren't working, he was getting worse. He knew Pam wouldn't hear any of this and force him to keep fighting until the day he finally dropped. He knew this was her way of dealing with it and that she was only just scared because she loved him so much. Ryan was mostly scared of leaving her alone and maybe not being able to see his daughter be born.**_

_**But Jim did walk through the door that day. Of course gossip always traveled fast and Pam had heard that Kevin and him had stayed in contact over the last couple of months. She knew Kevin must of said something about her and Ryan. **_

_**She felt slightly nervous, yet couldn't really feel that worried about it. She knew for sure now she wasn't in love with Jim anymore. She loved Ryan now, and she was going to have his baby and prove everyone wrong in making sure he would be okay. **_

_**Right away Jim looked at her and smiled.**_

"_**Hey Beesly."**_

_**Pam smiled looking up at him.**_

"_**Hi Jim."**_

_**Getting up from her chair she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. A few seconds later he stood back looking a little awkward and suspired. **_

"_**Whoa…is there something different about you."**_

_**Pam smiled, putting her hands on her hips, her seven month stomach seemed very large under her blue sweater. **_

"_**Hummm, whatever do you mean?"**_

"_**It's your hair…yep your hair."**_

_**Both laughed before Jim looked at her, still in complete awe before shaking his head.**_

"_**I can't believe it…wow seems like I've been gone for years."**_

_**Pam smiled looking up at him.**_

"_**Yeah, a lot has been going on."**_

_**Jim kept looking at Pam's stomach.**_

"_**Wow…you and Ryan?"**_

_**Pam nodded.**_

"_**Yep."**_

"_**Sorry, I guess I'm in shock…I never thought…"**_

"_**Yeah neither did I."**_

"_**Are you two?…"**_

"_**We're together yes."**_

"_**How far along are you?"**_

"_**Seven months, we're having a girl."**_

_**Jim smiled still in shock.**_

"_**A girl? Wow Pam that's amazing!"**_

"_**I know…"**_

_**Both locked eyes for a second and Pam could see a tiny hint of sadness in his eyes before he sighed.**_

"_**I just can't believe it."**_

_**Pam looked at him.**_

_**Before she could say anything Michael jumped out of the office. **_

_**That day when the two of them finally got a chance to talk Pam learned Jim was dating the new girl Karen. Both sat together in the kitchen slightly catching up. Jim talked about Stamford, and asked questions of the baby. Before they could really get into things Karen came in and re-introduced herself again. Pam sensed she was a nice girl and very right for Jim.**_

"_**So where is Ryan? I didn't see him at all today…is he running errands for Michael?"**_

_**Pam went to open her mouth to say something when Ryan walked in, using his cane and wearing a baseball cap. He had Pam's lunch with him. Walking in, Pam saw Jim's eyes.**_

"_**Hey guys."**_

"_**R-Ryan?"**_

_**Ryan smiled, his lips now looked an ash gray.**_

"_**Hey man what's up good to see you."**_

_**Jim eyed Pam and then looked back at Ryan.**_

"_**Hey…"**_

"_**So how was Stamford?"**_

_**Jim fumbled with his words before Pam introduced him to Karen as her 'boyfriend' Ryan joked around a little and seemed in a good mood before giving Pam her lunch.**_

"_**Listen my brother is coming over in a little bit…"**_

"_**Go, I'm fine. I have plenty to catch up on."**_

_**Ryan looked at Jim for a second and noticed he was avoiding eye contact. Smiling he kissed Pam.**_

"_**Yeah I think you're right. Listen I'll be here at six."**_

"_**Okay, thanks hon."**_

_**They kissed again before he left. Pam saw Jim was watching Ryan as he walked out. Just then Karen's phone rang and she left, leaving the two of them alone. **_

_**Jim was speechless. Pam looked at him.**_

"_**I guess we do have a lot to talk about."**_

_**For the rest of their lunch break they sat in the back room and talked. Pam went over the last couple of months, dealing with how she found out she was pregnant, how great Ryan had been, his accident, and then how he found out about the tumors. She told him about how both had agreed that they were going to raise this baby before and after they found out how sick Ryan was. That both were living together and how much she had grown to really care for him. She told him about the treatments, and how things were going.**_

"_**So the doctor said eighteen months?"**_

"_**That's just what they said. He's been doing his treatments and started new medication. He seems to be responding very well to them."**_

_**Jim just stared helplessly at his friend, the girl he was once and maybe still in love with. **_

"_**You love him don't you?"**_

_**Pam looked at Jim before nodding.**_

"_**I do."**_

_**Since then things had stayed the same. The Stamford branch were adjusting to Michael's style of the office, while Pam sat behind her desk answering phones. She was always thinking about Ryan and lit up whenever he came over for lunch. From afar Jim would watch the two of them and see how horrible Ryan looked. It broke his heart. **_

_**Pam and Jim were still the same as friends, as awkward as it was. Pam saw how much Karen cared about him and still laughed whenever he played the same old tricks on Dwight. **_

_**Ryan was still going to the hospitals, getting those horrible syringes, and treatments. He was sick most of the time now and his vision was getting worse. Pam knew within time he would have to stop driving. Most nights he would wake up in a cold sweat. Pam would get damp facecloths and rub his thin body down with him while he shook. Whenever he started vomiting real bad she would call an ambulance. He had been taken to the hospital three times all ready in the last few months. But he still always smiled for Pam, he hated that all Pam could talk about was the illness. He wanted to talk about the baby. Behind her back he even went into his savings and made sure what little he had it would all go straight to Pam and his unborn daughter. **_

_**So that night as Ryan and her laid side by side, Pam smiled gently leaning down and kissing him. Her hands went up and slowly began clutching onto him as their mouths opened and closed. That's when she pulled her hand back and a huge chunk of Ryan's hair was in it. Pam looked stunned while Ryan laughed and ran his own hand through his hair, more hair fell out before he sighed. **_

"_**I should really just shave it."**_

_**Pam made a face before shaking her head.**_

"_**Don't, I love your hair."**_

"_**You mean what's left of it."**_

"_**Ryan…"**_

_**Ryan grinned.**_

"_**Sorry."**_

_**The rest of the night they sat up in bed watching TV. Pam brought in a huge glass of milk and was in the middle of breaking up graham crackers in it before eating the mush with a spoon. Ryan, who was chewing on ice chips eyed her and made a face.**_

"_**That's disgusting."**_

_**Pam started laughing, nearly choking.**_

"_**It's good!"**_

"_**You have the weirdest cravings…"**_

"_**It's good I swear! Try some."**_

_**Pam held out a spoon with the brown mush on it. Ryan eyed it for a second before tasting it. Pam smiled.**_

"_**Well?"**_

_**Ryan looked at her before shrugging.**_

"_**You're going to make our baby fat."**_

_**Pam started cracking up before hitting him with a pillow. Both started laughing before Pam quickly put her glass and spoon on the nightstand. Both began a pillow fight before Pam rolled over on top of Ryan and started ticking him.**_

"_**Be careful the baby!"**_

_**Ryan laughed as Pam's beautiful red hair hung in her face. Laughing she tickled him even more.**_

"_**Oh no! You're not using that on me!"**_

_**Ryan kept laughing before both settled down, Pam sat on Ryan as he looked up at her from their bed now with all it's pillows on the ground. Both caught their breaths before Pam smiled down at him.**_

"_**Marry me?"**_

_**Ryan looked as though he hadn't heard right. He raised an eyebrow.**_

"_**What?"**_

"_**Marry me."**_

"_**Are you serious?"**_

_**Pam smiled before gently touching his chest.**_

"_**Of course I am. I love you."**_

"_**Pam I'm…"**_

"_**Don't…come on, look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me."**_

_**Ryan smiled up at her before Pam leaned down and kissed him. **_

_**The next day while Pam slept in bed, Ryan got his coat on and snuck out before eight. Driving, Ryan looked at all the beautiful full blossom trees and clear blue sky. Smiling, he thought back at last night and how Pam had proposed. He loved her so much it hurt, somehow he knew this was the way their life's were supposed to go. Yet, Ryan didn't really know how to feel about it. He didn't want to put Pam's hopes up. He knew he was dying, he could feel it. Marrying her and then making her a widow wasn't exactly what he wanted to do. He just wanted to make sure her and his baby would be okay.**_

_**So he found the right house, parked and rang the bell.**_

_**A few minutes later a very sleepy looking Jim answered the door.**_

"_**Ryan?"**_

_**Ryan looked at him, hands stuffed in his pockets and a baseball cap covering his falling out hair.**_

"_**Jim can I talk to you? It's important."**_

_**Jim looked at him, now fully awake.**_

"_**Yeah sure…is anything wrong?"**_

"_**No…but I have to have you make me a promise." **_

_**With that Jim let Ryan inside. **_


	28. Chapter 28

By the time Ryan finished, Jim sat across from him completely speechless. It was still early and Jim's roommate was upstairs sleeping. Both sat together in the living room having coffee as Ryan told him everything that was on his mind. Now the two of them sat in silence. Jim took a few seconds before rubbing the back of his neck, it was a lot.

"Wow, Ryan I…"

"You still love her don't you?"

Ryan cut off. Jim sat there looking at Ryan as if he was crazy before letting out a nervous laugh.

"What?"

"You still love her, I can tell."

"Ryan, no. I mean…I tried before, twice…and each time I was shut down. We've both moved on…Pam is in love with you. I haven't ever seen her this happy before."

"Yeah well I'm not going to be around much longer, it's the truth. I know, you know it, and all of my doctors know it. Pam just won't let go…I need to make sure her and the baby are okay."

Jim sat there for a second before looking at Ryan's thin and sickly face. Sighing, he sat back on the couch and looked down at his hands.

"I promise."

"You do?"

Jim nodded.

"Yeah…I do."

Ryan nodded, there was nothing else to say after that. Standing up, he grabbed his cane and looked down at Jim.

"Thanks Jim."

Jim looked up at him, a little confused.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure."

"Why? Why me?"

Ryan thought about this for a second before looking down at him, his eyes seemed slightly bloodshot and tired. He looked weaker by the second.

"I guess because, I know if things had been different…no matter what you two would of found each other. Also I trust you Jim, I know you're someone who will make sure their okay."

Without another word Ryan left Jim's place and got into his car. Right away his head began to pound and his right eye was getting blurry. Taking a deep breath he started the engine and drove back to Pam's place. On the drive back Ryan felt for sure this had been the right thing. He didn't exactly know what kind of vision or dream he had saw six months ago, but deep inside he knew he should listen to it. He knew that the second they found out they were having a little girl. He tried for the longest time to brush it off as simply just him being nervous and overwhelmed of Pam's pregnancy. Now as he drove alone in his car that beautiful warm spring morning, he knew it was a chance to see how fate really was.

In that life he had seen in the beginning things had been wonderful. Then he let his career get the best of him and distanced himself from Pam as she tried to adjust to her new life in the city. He wanted so badly to show her how much he could support her and the baby that he got caught up with all the success. That resulted in Pam falling out of love with him. She missed the person he once was and attached herself back with Jim. After the miscarriage of their son, and a horrible drug problem things just fell apart. He saw the rest of his life raising his daughter, and sharing her with Pam. Both were never the same again and both could never look each other in the eye.

Until…

That final part, of her staying the night. He remembered vaguely how their beautiful teenage daughter was upstairs sleeping when this happened. Pam had told him Jim and her had split up. That's when he knew at that exact moment they still loved each other.

And now?

Well fate had indeed taken care of that. Things had been different since he found out he was sick. Yet now, he knew for sure that Pam really did love him, and that he was trying his best. He hated the fact he was dying, and hated himself for doing this to Pam. But he just prayed he would be able to see the baby, just once…and then make sure Pam would be okay. He didn't know if fate would work the same way, but for the time being he knew Jim would take care of her. After that, he knew Pam was strong…she would be okay.

Gripping the steering wheel he stared up at the beautiful blue sky.

"Please God, just let me be able to see my baby once, just once. I'm trying to make things right."

When he arrived back at the apartment Pam was dressed in slacks and a shawl. She looked beautiful as she greeted him at the door.

"Hi, where were you?"

Ryan smiled putting down his car keys.

"I was over at my brother's, just spent the morning with him."

"Oh, I was worried when I didn't see you this morning."

Ryan smiled as the two kissed, right away his head started to throb worse then ever.

"How's our girl doing?"

Ryan asked, putting both hands on her stomach. The baby began kicking. Pam smiled looking up at him.

"Say, do you feel up to a drive?"

"Yeah sure."

"Great, come on."

An hour later Pam turned off down an old dirt road. Ryan had sat in the passenger seat slightly amused after seeing Pam could barley fit behind the wheel. Both listened the music and had the windows rolled down. There was a light breeze that made everything perfect. Ryan sat there watching the town slowly unfold into the countryside. Finally Pam parked.

They were by a lake.

"Where are we?"

"Come on…"

Pam got out of the car as Ryan followed. Under Pam's arm was a blanket. They were at a small lake off a farm road. Pam explained to him as they walked down the hill of lush green grass that her father took her fishing here before. Both laid out the blanket by the water and laid together, watching the clouds. Pam gently rubbed her stomach as she laid her head on Ryan's chest.

Finally she turned and looked down at him.

"So do I have an answer?"

Ryan looked at her, an eyebrow raised.

"To what?"

"If you'll be my husband?"

Ryan smiled, slipping his hand into hers.

"Pam…I know you don't want to hear this but…"

"Please don't."

Pam's eyes pleaded. She stared down at him before looking at their hands locked together. Bringing his over to her, she gently kissed his fingers.

"I just wanna hear the words."

"No big wedding?"

Pam tried to smile, he saw tears building in her eyes.

"No, just you and me."

"Okay then…how do we do it?"

Pam smiled, resting her chin on his chest.

"Well I would say…I take you as my husband, to love and to cherish…through sickness and in health…till…"

"Death do us part."

Ryan finished, Pam stared down at him before he took her hand this time and kissed it.

"I take you as my wife, to love and to cherish…though sickness and in health till…"

Before he could say it Pam tightly pressed her lips against his, kissing him deeply. Ryan laughed through the kiss before he held onto her. Moments later she broke the kiss, her hair hanging in her eyes.

"I guess I pronounce us man and wife?"

"And I guess I can kiss the bride again?"

Pam laughed.

"Of course you can."

Both kissed again before Ryan smiled up at her.

"How about I take you out for some milk and graham crackers as our reception?"

Pam laughed again.

"Sounds good."

That day the two of them spent together, laughing, kissing, and for once really not worrying. That night as Pam slept peacefully beside him, Ryan laid awake watching her, hoping God had listened to him earlier.

The new few weeks were good ones.

Spring had really come and the weather was becoming beautiful. Pam said in just a few more weeks she was taking early maternity leave. Ryan's vision was getting worse and during one of his last treatments he had past out. The doctors had taken Pam aside telling her if they kept up they would have to commit him to the hospital. Pam threw a fit, screaming at the doctor's that they were doing fine and that Ryan would continue his course of treatment since they weren't about to give up hope. Ryan meanwhile had dropped another fifteen pounds and his hair was so thin even by putting his hand through it chunks would fall out. Now he wore a baseball cap around all the time or a bandana. The drugs were making him sick and his leg was giving him a hard time he had to stop driving all together. He hated this since he couldn't see Pam at work anymore. But now she got out an hour early and was always by his side. Making sure he was taking his pills, and felt all right.

Angela threw a baby shower at the office for Pam, who was suspired at how nice she was being. Pam had wanted Ryan to come but that morning he couldn't stop throwing up. His brother had swung by and told Pam that he would watch him.

"No, I should stay…"

Ryan sat up in bed, throwing up again before looking at her.

"No Pam go! I want you to I'm fine!"

"Maybe we should call the hospital…"

"Please Pam, please go and enjoy yourself. I'm fine."

Pam looked at him for a moment before he winked at her. Pam felt as though she was being torn apart. Sniffling in some tears she nodded and promised not to be long before giving Ryan's brother a mile long list of numbers and things to do in case he got worse. Leaving, Ryan waited until he heard the front door close before throwing up again. His brother sat on the bed with him, rubbing his back and telling him everything was going to be okay.

Pam felt horrible on her way in, until she bumped into Jim in the parking-lot. Lately Karen and him had been having some problems.

"Hey you, ready for upstairs? I think Michael got your baby an I-pod."

Pam tried to smile before she started crying, right away Jim looked concerned.

"Hey what's wrong?"

Pam wiped her eyes before shaking her head.

"Nothing, I'm just being stupid."

Jim gently put his arm around her shoulder.

"No what is it?"

Pam looked at him helpless.

"Ryan, he's doing worse. The doctors are telling me the tumors are shutting down the right side of his body, he can barley see out of one eye and the doctor's told me last night that if he keeps up with the treatment he'll be dead within a week…I just don't know what to do!"

Jim put his arms around her and let her cry against him. Pam sobbed as Jim held her, telling her softly everything was going to be okay.

Pam looked up at him, tears rolling down her face.

"I really love him Jim! I really do! And between all of this, and the pregnancy I'm so tried! I just want to wake up tomorrow and have everything be okay! I can't do this without him!"

Jim held her tighter as she cried.

"Shhhh, it's okay…"

Finally Pam got herself under control, wiping her eyes she looked up at him.

"I'm a mess."

"No, you're just someone who loves someone very much."

Pam sniffled in before he smiled down at her.

"Come on, let's see that Beesly million dollar smile."

Pam laughed through some of her tears before nodding. Jim reached down wiping one of them away.

"Come on, let's try to enjoy ourselves. I'm sure that's what Ryan wants."

Nodding, Pam let Jim lead her inside.

At the shower, everyone wanted to know how Ryan was doing. Pam held a strong face and told everyone he wasn't feeling very well this morning and wanted to say how sorry he was for not coming. But he seemed to be doing fine. There she sat around Angela's pink and white decorations and balloons as she opened gifts, ate cake, and laughed with her friends.

At home Ryan couldn't feel his arm.

His mother and brother were now there. His mother had come by nearly an hour ago, her face set like stone before asking to come in. Ryan's brother, a little stunned to see her said sure and let her in. She walked in seeing the frail shell of her son laying in bed and throwing up what appeared to be blood. Without saying a word she set down her purse and sat beside him, holding the bucket he was vomiting in and then got a cool cloth out and set it on his forehead.

"Mom?"

Ryan's voice was muttered.

Ryan's mother nodded. His brother stood in the doorway watching.

"Do you remember how I used to sit with you whenever you had a fever as a boy?"

Ryan nodded, his arm was twitching.

"Shhhh, just rest."

Ryan's mother eyes one of the sonogram photos laying on the nightstand that were surrounded by millions of Ryan's different pill bottles.

She picked it up and smiled.

"This my granddaughter?"

Ryan nodded, he looked half dazed.

So for the rest of the afternoon she sat with him, Before leaving she gently kissed the side of his feverish head and promised him she would check in on her granddaughter from time to time.

"Ryan, you've always made me proud."

She said, then she left. His brother stayed by his side before Pam came home. Jim had brought all the gifts. Walking in, still laughing as Jim carried in the third tower of gifts, both saw Ryan's brother standing in the doorway.

"Hey, how's he doing?"

"Fine, had a rough patch but he's settled down."

Pam was completely unaware that his mother had been here earlier. Nodding, she set down her stuff before turning around, she knew Ryan wouldn't of wanted Jim to see him like this.

"Well thanks again Jim, I had fun."

"I'm glad you did."

"And thanks again for the music box and photo, I'll make sure I put them in the nursery."

Pam and Ryan had been working on and off with the spare room in turning it into a nursery. So far with Ryan being so weak it was half finished.

Jim smiled.

"Well remember if you need anything call me."

Pam nodded.

"Okay, thanks again."

Both pecked on the cheek before Jim left. Turning, Pam looked at Ryan's brother.

"Okay, how bad is he?"

"Bad."

Pam nodded before rolling up her sleeves and going down the hall. Before nightfall she had called the doctor's and they told her if he got any worse then to call an ambulance. He didn't seem to have a high fever just set, but she could feel him shaking underneath the blankets. Hoping the God she wouldn't have to bring him to the hospital, she sat beside him, gently rubbing his side and telling him all about the baby shower.

"Ryan you would of loved it, just wait until I show you everything. Michael got us an I-pod."

She grinned before feeling it fade away. Ryan's nose was bleeding.

"Ryan?"

She shook him, opening his cloudy colored eyes he went to say something and Pam saw blood come out.

"Jesus!"

She said before grabbing a tissue and catching the blood that was traveling down his chin. Ryan looked at her before blinking.

"Pam?"

She called an ambulance.

That night Ryan laid in his hospital bed, hooked up to and machines. He looked peaceful now, yet so frail and thin. Pam stood outside of his room speaking with Dr. Marks.

"Eighteen months, you told me eighteen months!"

"Pam it's the treatment. I warned you this could speed it up."

"No you said it could buy time."

"I warned you of the effects it could have, his body is shutting down…it's just too weak. I was afraid this would happen."

"Then what can we do?"

"Pam there's nothing we can do, we've tried everything."

Pam shot him a look.

"I don't think we've tried everything."

Dr. Marks sighed.

"At this rate he might become paralyzed on his entire right side, that if the tumors don't stop bleeding…he might start seizing, that could result in more damage."

Pam shook her head, she knew she was crying.

"Jesus! You're telling me there's nothing!"

"Pam just let him be. It's time to throw in the towel and just let him be comfortable. You have a baby on the way, you shouldn't worry yourself this bad anymore."

"Listen I tell you when…ah!"

Dr. Marks jumped back.

"What is it?"

Pam hunched over before putting her hands between her legs, pain spread across her face.

"Ah!"

Pam cried before bringing up her hand, blood was dripping from it.

All the while Ryan slept just a few feet away.


	29. Chapter 29

Ryan's eyes fluttered open. Right away he saw the ceiling of the hospital room and the soft beeping of the machines around him. He was hooked up to oxygen and he couldn't see out of his right eye at all. His slim fingers twitched for a second and he knew he couldn't move his right arm. Dully he felt pinpricks as though it had gone to sleep. Trying to lift it, his arm felt as though it weighed thirty pounds. Looking around another horrible ache filled his head. He tried to open his mouth but no words came out.

What happened?

He remembered earlier Pam had gone off to her baby shower at the office. Ryan's younger brother Steve had come over and decided to stay with him. Steve and him hadn't been that close since things feel apart with his mother, but lately he had been a huge help. He remembered not feeling very well, but forced Pam to go. He wanted her to take her mind off things even if it was just for an hour. He wanted her to enjoy her day and for once think about the baby before him.

He remembered mostly laying in bed, Steve sitting up in the chair beside him as they watched hockey on TV. He remembered faintly thinking about how badly he just wanted to feel better. To just wake up one day and feel perfectly normal. To speed on down to the office, burst through the front door and scoop Pam up in his arms and leave. He wanted to really marry her, the only reason he had decided to make her happy that day in the park and say he would was because deep in the back of his heart he really wanted to. He knew with him dying that would never be a reality. He would never widow her and set her hopes up. Pam deserved a big wedding. A day in which everyone fussed over her and her groom didn't have to come down the ail walking with a cane or a wheelchair. He wanted to see his daughter be born, the baby he had dreamed of and watched within the blink of an eye grow. He wanted to have more children with Pam, make her happy and do whatever it took to make sure they would be together. He dreamed just the night before of them living low to middle class but happy. Ryan had given up his dreams of New York and stayed at Dunder Mifflin. That Pam had finally fought her way to a sales position beside him and both were happy. In this dream he saw their baby, them both juggling work and parenthood. He dreamed of seeing her beautiful face always giggling up at him. Right before he awoke from this dream an odd image came into his head. He saw himself with lighter hair sitting beside Pam and Michael in what appeared to be a small room. Both were wearing wedding bands and laughing with their boss.

But instead he woke up feeling horrible, and now he was here.

He knew his mother had came over, and he felt grateful for that. Their relationship hadn't been the best since his father had died and for so many years he had tried to make her proud. He hoped she would be supportive with Pam and maybe someday tell his daughter a little bit about himself.

He knew something was wrong, the pain was getting worse.

They lied…they said eighteen months.

He had done the chemotherapy, he had done the radiation, the drugs, the needles, and testing. He had suffered through it all while Pam stayed by his side telling him not to give up. He went through the last couple of months slowly becoming a faint image of the young man he once was. He had began to loose his vision and his ability to walk. He had felt sick and terrible, embarrassed and depressed. He wished the last couple of months he could have been there for Pam. This pregnancy was supposed to be all about her. He had wanted to take lamaze class with her. Instead she took them with her mother while every other woman there had boyfriends and husbands helping them. He had wanted to hold her hair back whenever she had morning sickness, but instead she was rubbing his shoulders while he threw up. He remembered laying in bed and looking at the tiny print up of the baby. Staring at it and wishing to God he could just see her…just once.

That's when his eyes drifted over to the glasses in window that faced the nurse's desk and corridor. He saw Pam and Dr. Marks talking. He couldn't hear anything. Pam looked upset and was waving her hands around…then she stopped.

Ryan's heart skipped a beat as Pam's face before she hunched over and then brought up her hands. He tried to focus on what it was, his good eye strained to see before it widened.

Blood.

Right away two nurses rushed behind the desk and ran towards Pam helping her. Ryan began to struggle, hating himself for the heavy numb feeling that kept him from jumping out of bed.

"PAM!"

He yelled in his weak and cracked voice.

Right away Pam turned, her face pale and scared. Two of the nurses were leading her away. She stared at Ryan as he screamed for her.

"PAM!"

Dr. Marks ran in.

"Ryan please calm down!"

Ryan shook his head side to side, struggling to lift himself up. There were so many things connected to his arms and chest. He gritted his teeth and tried to move but his right arm and leg were dead. Dr. Marks came over, leaning over and pressing him back in the bed.

"Ryan please you're upsetting yourself!"

Ryan tried to look again and saw Pam was gone now, his voice sounded squeaked and uneven as he yelled.

"Where did you take her! What's happening?! PAM! PAM!"

That's when he began to seize, his body jerked up and down as his eyes began rolling back in his head. Blood gurgled up in his throat.

Right away a nurse came in with a syringe, Dr. Marks held him down.

"Shhhh, it's all right Ryan just rest."

Ryan tried to fight, but the needle was injected and seconds later blackness.

At that exact time Pam now dressed in a hospital gown sat on a hospital blood screaming. Two nurses were helping her and all ready the bed's sheet's were soaked with blood.

"She's miscarrying! Page Dr. Andrews!"

Pam threw her head back as the horrible cramps came again, she felt as if she couldn't breath.

"NO!"

A young looking doctor then burst in, snapping gloves on before running over to her.

"We need an emergency C-section stat! Get her prepped now!"

Pam snapped her eyes shut as she screamed out in pain. Seconds later, much like Ryan she past out.

When she opened her eyes she was in the delivery room. She felt completely numb from the waist down and she heard beeping. Laying there her scared eyes shifted back and forth before she saw her mother's face. It was masked slightly by the scrubs she was wearing.

"Mom?"

She said weakly.

Her mother's eyes smiled as she squeezed her hand.

"It's all right honey, you're doing just fine."

Pam tried to look, but saw a small screen dividing her upper half from her lower half. She saw the young doctor in his scrubs with three other nurses working, she also saw a lot of blood.

"Mom?"

Pam's voice was filled with panic.

"It's okay honey, everything is going to be okay."

Pam overheard the doctor saying something about internal bleeding. Right away her heart began to race.

"Is my baby okay?"

"You're baby is fine, their just getting it early."

"No, too soon! It's too soon!"

"It's fine honey, this is the only way okay?"

Pam just laid there, her hair behind a hairnet. A silent tear rolled down her face. She honestly didn't know what she would do if anything happen to her baby. This along with Ryan were the two things that had kept her going. Then it filled her head…Ryan?

"Where's Ryan mom?"

"He's downstairs honey, the doctors are with him."

He should be here, he wanted to be here.

Pam thought, another tear rolled down her face. She felt so cold now, in fact freezing.

That's when an off suction noise filled the room. Pam froze, her mouth opened but no words came out. That's when the doctor lifted her tiny baby up. It looked lifeless and blue. Pam saw it for just a second before one of the nurses quickly took it and rushed out of the room. Pam tried to lift her head, her voice filled with panic.

"Where are you taking her?"

The doctor looked down.

"She's just having a little trouble breathing, we're just helping her.

Pam laid back as a silent tear rolled down her eye.

A few hours later she was stitched up and looked over. The delivery had been a success even though they were forced to take the baby early. As Pam got settled in her room they explained to her that the baby's lungs weren't fully developed and that Ginger wasn't breathing right. They told her that happened most of the time with babies who came early and that they would keep her upstairs until she seemed all right. Pam sat there not being able to say a word. She prayed to God her baby was okay, she didn't think she could take if anything was wrong with her.

Injecting her with something to make her rest, Pam slowly drifted off to sleep before muttering for Ryan.

The next day she woke up to her mother sitting beside her. Holding her hand she kept smiling telling her how proud she was of her. Asking for Ryan, Pam noticed an odd and worried look across her eyes before she quickly changed the subject.

"I've seen the baby, she's so beautiful. They have her in an incubator. She's just four pounds but the doctors said she seems fine."

Pam smiled, she couldn't believe she was a mother.

"Really?"

"The doctor's said she might have to stay here for a couple of weeks, just to be safe…but other then that she seems fine."

"Can I see her?"

"Of course you can, I have a nursing coming right now."

"Dad here?"

"He's home making calls, you wouldn't believe how proud he is."

"How's Ryan? Does he know? Has he seen her?"

Pam's mother stared at her and before she could speak one of the nurses came in with a wheelchair. Minutes later Pam was wheeled over to the nursery with her mother. There she got to see her daughter. Her mother was right, she was tiny. Sitting there, feeling tears blur her vision she smiled just staring down at her. She was perfect.

"She's okay?"

"In a couple of weeks I'm sure she'll be breathing on her own."

Pam touched the plastic that divided her from her and her daughter and smiled. Sliding her hand in the small hole opening she touched her baby's little arm and laughed.

Ryan and her were parents now…there had to be hope.

She kept asking for Ryan but they told her he was asleep and that she needed her rest. After getting settled back in her room, the doctor promised her she could see Ginger again. By then her father had come by, smiling ear to ear.

Kissing her on the head, her father smiled before Pam looked up at them.

"I want to go see Ryan, he hasn't see the baby yet has he?"

Pam's parent's exchanged a look.

That's when she knew something was wrong on her parent's faces. They stood at the edge of her bed while Pam felt slightly out of sorts and sore.

"Pam honey…something happened last night."

Pam froze, looking at the two of them. Right away her heart leaped into her throat.

"What?"

Her father looked down at his feet before shuffling them and sighing.

"Ryan had a really bad seizer, the doctors tried everything they could but he slipped into a coma. The doctor's said his brain waves aren't responding…and…"

Pam felt as though a bucket of cold water had been thrown on her. Sitting up in bed, still too sore to move she saw the spring sunshine wash against her parent's faces who now looked ten times older.

"What?"

Pam's mother seemed on the verge of tears.

"His family was downstairs with him earlier. Their more then likely talking to the doctors…they wanted to see you and the baby but we told them you needed your rest."

"What are you guys telling me?"

Pam felt as though she was in a dream, none of this could be real.

"He's not waking up honey, the tumors were making his body shut down. He was bleeding from the brain and that made him go into the coma. He's brain-dead honey…only a machine is keeping him alive."

Pam opened her mouth and a faint helpless moan escaped. No, this couldn't be happening. Ryan said he would be around to see their baby be born. The doctors said eighteen months…she wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready for any of it. Sitting there, her face crumpled before she looked over at her parents.

"HE'LL WAKE UP! HE HAS TO! I KNOW HE WILL! STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!"

Pam cried, covering her face with her hands she began to sob. Pam's mother went to her side to comfort her.

"I'm so sorry honey, I know how much he wanted to see the baby…but you have to understand, the doctors are talking to his family about the life-support."

Pam blinked a few of her tears away.

"What?"

Pam's father stepped forward, almost ashamed.

"Pam honey…the only thing keeping Ryan alive right now is a machine. His father doesn't want him to suffer if there's no change of him waking up."

Pam right away knew what they meant and was outraged.

"NO! They can't do that! His family doesn't care about him! They weren't there for him this entire time! I'm his family! That fucking bitch of a mother of his can't kill him! NO!"

"Pam honey…

"NO! Not Ryan! He'll wake up! He has to!"

"Honey, even if he did wakeup…which he won't. Would you really want him like that? Like a vegetable? Being blind? Not being able to hear or speak? Or move? That's not how you want him to live do you?"

Pam was crying now against her mother.

"He was fine yesterday!"

"I know honey, but maybe it was just his time. Maybe he sent Ginger here early for you because he knew this would happen?"

Pam shook her head crying against her mother.

"Please no mom! Please don't let them kill him!"

A few hours later she was wheeled down in a wheelchair to his room. His mother sat in a chair beside him. The first things that stuck Pam was now odd it all seemed. Ryan had barley any hair left, he looked like a corpse and so very thin. Tubes and wires were sticking out of him and some thing going into his mouth and hooked up to a machine kept him breathing.

Ryan's mother looked very tried, she sat beside him drinking a coffee. Her eyes blank.

Pam thanked the nurse softly before she left them alone. Pam wheeled over, her stomach still killing her. Ryan's mother looked up.

"So I heard I have a granddaughter?"

Pam slowly nodded.

"Ginger."

Ryan's mother faintly smiled before looking at her son.

"That's a good name."

"How is she?"

"She's in the nursery, the doctor's said she had trouble breathing but their keeping a close eye on her."

Pam stared at Ryan and felt tears coming again, her inside shook just looking at him.

"I'm sorry"

Pam was caught off guard by this and turned.

"What?"

"I'm sorry, for everything…I should of known how much you two cared about each other."

Pam just sat there, not being able to say anything.

"We're going to see in a few weeks…then we're taking him off. I know you don't want to hear this but…the doctor's have said…

Pam shook her head, her heart hurt.

"I know."

It stuck Pam, legally Ryan and Pam weren't nothing at all. She really didn't have any say at all. Looking at him her heart ached. She just wanted him to open his eyes, just once.

She wanted him to look at her so she could tell him how much she loved him. She wanted him to see their little girl who she beyond worried about and feared being so early might have harmed her. She wanted him to put his arms around her, kiss her lips and tell her everything would be okay. She wanted to take him home and fix everything.

Instead the morning after their daughter's birth she learned in just a few weeks his family would take him off life support.

Wheeling her chair over, Pam lifted Ryan's hand, still so warm and pressed it up against her cheek, remembering that overcast and gray morning after the clinic that he ran after her in the parking-lot. Her face crumpling she watched the tubes and machines breath for Ryan, tears running down her face.

"Please Ryan, you have to wake up…please…"

Three days later Pam was released from the hospital. The day before a few of her friends and mostly everyone from the office came with flowers. It was suspiring and nice to see everyone, but behind all of their eyes Pam saw pity. The only person who wasn't there was Jim.

Michael right away wanted to see the baby but Pam explained that with Ginger being so early she was being taken care of upstairs and nobody would be able to see her until she started breathing the right away. Meredith made a face.

"You haven't even held her yet?"

Pam tried to keep her smile before shaking her head.

"I have photos through, my photo took these last night…"

Passing them around everyone smiled and commented on how cute she was. Of course Dwight said she looked like an alien before Angela elbowed him in the side. Michael gazed at the photo with proud eyes before smiling.

"She's going to be a little hottie."

Before everyone left Pam was a little caught off guard when Kelly and Michael both hugged her tight from the hospital bed. Both looked as though they were holding back tears.

"Hang in there."

Leaving, she was all alone with Toby who shuffled his feet for a second and tried to smile.

"They all know about Ryan, you're mother called the office the other day. I'm so sorry."

Pam held back from crying and nodded.

"Yeah, thanks."

"Is there anything any of us can do?"

"No, but thanks Toby."

Toby walked closer, hands in his pockets.

"Do you know Sasha was early?"

"Really?"

"Yeah by six weeks…I'm sure you know how terrifying it was."

Pam smiled before sniffling in her tears.

"Yeah."

"But look at her now, she's a healthy happy little girl."

"She's lucky to have you as a dad."

"Yeah well…it's tough not doing it completely with someone else, but trust me…Ginger is going to be the best thing for you."

Pam nodded before sighing.

"Thanks Toby."

Toby smiled before patting her leg.

"Take care Pam."

Leaving, Pam sat there alone and silently cried.

Now discharged from the hospital Pam had called Toby and explained she needed time off from work, he told her of course and that Michael would just get someone to fill in until she was ready.

That night when she arrived back to her apartment it seemed so empty. She saw her baby shower gifts were still stacked around the living room. Sitting down on the couch, Pam reached over and took the framed photograph Jim had gotten her of Ryan and her during the basketball game when he first started working at the office. Sighing, Pam's fingertips danced across the glass before there was a knock on the door.

Answering it she saw it was Jim, his face was serious and hurt.

Both stared at each other for a second before Pam broke down completely and Jim held her in his arms.

"I'm so sorry."

He whispered against her. Pam cried as hard as she could, knowing that her life was falling apart.

So for the next three weeks Pam did the only thing she could do.

She kept going forward. She spent nearly ten hours a day at the hospital. Half of it up in the nursery with Ginger. Just sitting there watching her sleep and wiggle before crying with Jim sitting beside her. The doctor's said things were looking up and all ready Ginger was gaining weight. Pam looked at Ginger as though she was glass, she was scared to death she was going to fall apart.

Still Jim cheered her up, always making her laugh whenever he pointed out something cute Ginger did, which really was mostly nothing. Both would watch her in complete awe as Jim would mention how much the baby looked like Ryan. Pam would sit there, watching her baby and day dreaming of taking her home completely healthy with Ryan. Both carrying her into their apartment and into a finished beautiful nursery.

The other half of the day Pam would spend downstairs with Ryan. He still wasn't responding and brain-dead. Yet, Pam would sit with him for hours as exhausted as she was. Sometimes her mother or brothers would be there, mostly just her. Jim knew she needed to be alone for this part and always told her to call him if she needed anything.

Pam would often sit beside him, saying nothing and just thinking. She would watch the nurses feed him through a tube and bend back and forth his limbs. She would often gently stroke his face while softly humming. She would read to him, and often just hold his hand. Nearly every night she would beg him to just wake up and look at her.

But he stayed the same.

Time past and Pam began to see she was barley ever leaving the hospital at all. The times she was home her parents were there helping out. Her father was trying to finish the nursery while her mother forced her to get some sleep and have a little something to eat. Both knew their daughter was pushing herself too hard, but hoped in the back of their minds it would soon be all over.

Finally Pam was able to hold her daughter.

It was almost three weeks later and the doctor's told her the baby was responding well and breathing on her own. Pam nearly cried when she sat down holding her and touching her tiny little hands. Crying, she bent down and kissed her.

"Hi Ginger, I'm your mommy."

The doctor's said in another week she could take her home.

Pam feared this, because that's when she knew reality would set in. She was a mother, and now she knew Ryan would never wake up. She was alone.

One morning Ryan's mother came and spoke to her. Pam felt as though a billion bricks were crashing down on her heart. Taking a deep breath she nodded.

Enough was enough, it was time to let go.

So that morning Pam was able to bring the baby downstairs for the first time. Entering the room, the blinds were drawn taking away most of the sunlight. Ryan laid in the bed as the machines went up and down and kept beeping. Sighing, Pam sat on the edge of the bed as Ginger faintly cried and wiggled in her arms.

"Ryan?"

She stared down at him before smiling back in the bundle that was wrapped in the blanket.

"Ryan I wanted you to meet our daughter. I named her Ginger just like you wanted."

Pam felt tears slipping down her face as she went on, looking at his sleeping face.

"I know you can't see her, but believe me…she's beautiful."

Pam sat there for a few minutes more before getting up and leaving, she knew this was the hardest thing she would ever have to do.

An hour later Ryan's brothers, a few cousins, and his mother stood outside of the room. Some were crying, some like his mother had no emotion left in their eyes at all. Pam was allowed to be the one to be with him when it happened. Sitting beside him, holding his hand she watched as the nurses removed his breathing tubes slowly and clicked off the machines. Pam waited watching the screens as his heart rate slowly began to drop. Squeezing his hand she fought back the tears, really not knowing how on earth she was going to do this. Scared, she felt herself tremble before getting up and sliding in beside him on the bed. By then his heart rate was gone, the screen flat. Pam wrapped her arms around his thin body, still so warm and closed her eyes as she nuzzled up against him.

She knew he had fought as much as he could, she knew how strong he had tried to be, and she knew there was a reason he wanted this baby so much. Maybe he just wanted her to be happy…maybe he wanted her to live.

"I love you Ryan…"

She whispered.

And Ryan, who had been floating somewhere in some abyss found himself back to where he was before he woke up. He was back in his tutor style home, sitting on his sofa alone. The fireplace was cracking and he heard birds chirp outside in the trees. Sitting there he looked around and found himself for once without any pain. Sitting there he looked up at the old grandfather clock and decided to wait.

He would wait until he would see Pam again.

Sitting back, he smiled.

He knew he had made things right this time. She would be okay, and their baby would be happy.


	30. Chapter 30

**Four days later was the funeral.**

**Friends, family, and co-workers gathered at Ryan's mother's house and all mostly stood around in their black dresses and suits as drinks were past around. A few were crying, others were drawn back in tiny little crowds. Earlier Michael had come by and broke down nearly causing a scene. Jim made Dwight drive him home, hoping Pam hadn't seen any of it.**

**Instead Pam sat on the back desk wearing oversized sunglasses and being silent. A good number of people had come by greeting her, most of them strangers. Some family, some friends, most of them people he knew from business school. They all asked if she had been his girlfriend and how they had heard she just had a little girl. They asked how she was and Pam would always pretend to smile before telling them she was taking her home at the end of the week. They all wished her their best and moved on. **

**Pam knew what everyone was saying. It seemed so tragic. Ryan was just in his early twenties and died so young. He had just had a baby and never even got to see her. And of course poor Pam, all alone forced to raise the baby alone. **

**Pam sat there watching Ryan's mother from afar. She still felt so numb and couldn't believe he was gone. When Jim sat beside her with his tie loosened she began to weep. Jim gathered her up in his arms and held her as she cried.**

**It seemed as though it was the only thing she could do.**

**That weekend she brought Ginger home.**

**Ginger now had her eyes opened and was breathing completely normal. The doctors said she was fine and that Pam had nothing to worry about. Her parents had decided to spend a couple of months with her until she got settled. They understood their daughter was very depressed now and beyond overwhelmed with a newborn baby. Pam's father had finished the nursery and both had carefully been helping Pam as she began learning the first steps in motherhood. At one point she completely broke down in her mother's arms, telling her she honestly didn't know if she could do this. But as Jim began coming over more and more she sensed she was really trying her best and doing exactly what Ryan wanted her to do. **

**Ginger had been fussy, but she still couldn't help but feel better whenever she looked at her baby. She knew Ryan had wanted her so much, and just knowing she was a part of him made her heart dance lightly in her chest. Most nights when she woke up from a dream, for a brief moment she would always think Ryan was there laying beside her. Instead she always woke up to just an empty side of the bed and pillows. That's when she would break down and cry. It wasn't fair…it wasn't fair at all. **

**She missed him, she missed very part of him. His laugh, his smile, his big blue eyes. She missed just holding him. **

**One evening while her mother was in the kitchen making dinner, Jim and her stood together in the nursery. Jim had been coming over a lot lately and had been helping. He really seemed to love Ginger and cheered Pam up whenever things were bad. **

**Both looked down at Ginger who was laying in her crib, staring up at her mobile of birds. **

"**She's got beautiful big eyes…"**

"**Yeah they are aren't they?"**

"**I bet their going to be like yours…"**

**Pam looked down at her daughter before smiling. **

"**No…I think their going to be a mix of me and Ryan. Gray and blue…"**

**Jim smiled at Pam before slipping his hand into hers.**

**That night Pam finally slept. **

**In her dream…she finally remembered that fateful Halloween night. **

**Ryan and Pam had left the office Halloween party and went to Poor Richard's for a few after drinks. By then it was late and both were very drunk. They went back to his place, laughing as they stumbled up the stairs and hanging onto each other. Pam had been upset earlier about Jim and the more she had drank the more it seemed like the furthest thing from her mind. Laughing, the two of them dropped their coats and Ryan threw down his keys. His dog, which had been sleeping on the floor lifted his head. This dog would later be given to Ryan's brother. Both began kissing each other, laughing through them before they seemed almost in a frenzy. They slammed into the hallway walls as Pam wrapped her arms around him and began making out with him like a madwoman. His hands were firmly placed on her hips as both began breathing heavy, their hearts racing in their chests. **

**That's when they stumbled to the bedroom. **

**Both undressed quickly in the dark, helping each other. Ryan tore open her blouse while she yanked his belt off. In-between kisses as Pam began undoing his slacks she asked in a breathless voice if he had something. Ryan nodded before pushing her on the bed.**

**Moments later Pam laid there in the big empty strange bed feeling the room spin. Sweat was covering her body and her heart was pounding. Slipping off the rest of her clothes she never felt this way before in her life. She needed Ryan, she yarned for him. Seconds later he was on top of her, rolling around kissing until both began laughing again.**

**Then…**

**Pam couldn't explain it. She remembered laying there with her eyes snapped shut as she held onto him grasping for air. He laid on her, his eyes serious and direct before he began kissing her down her neck.**

**That's when she heard the condom snap, and after that…well fate took care of the rest. She remembered him swearing and snapping it off before throwing it away. She remembered kissing him before they both fell asleep together. She remembered waking up with a horrible hangover and before reality really did set in about what happened, she remembered for just a brief moment waking up and smiling as she watched Ryan sleep beside her. **

**That's when she woke up to Ginger's cries. Blinking the sleep out of her eyes she quickly got up before her parents did and went down the hall to the nursery. There she scooped Pam up and kissed the side of her baby's head.**

"**What's wrong honey? You hungry?" **

**She began walking to the kitchen before looking at Ginger and smiled.**

**She thought she might be right, her baby's eyes did look like the two of theirs. **

**Gray…and blue.**

**The end.**

_**- Thanks for all the reviews! You guys were great! Hope you enjoyed. I'll be doing another Ryan/Pam story soon. **_


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